Mr. Henry was the one admitted as a patient, but the nurses took care of Miss Alice, too. Mr. Henry had to have been in his late forties when he married simple-minded little Miss Alice, a girl of fourteen. Nowadays, that would have been a case for the courts, but when it happened back in the sixties, there was no one to speak for Miss Alice. They’d been married more than thirty years when I knew them and appeared to dote on each other. Miss Alice never voluntarily left his side, except to go down to the courtyard to bum cigarettes from patients and staff smoking in the long ago days when hospitals had smoking areas. Sometimes she even talked folks out of a little money. After a successful run, she’d bring a couple back up to him to smoke in the room. Miss Alice ended almost every conversation with, “I love Mr. Henry
Knowing Miss Alice didn’t have money to eat in the cafeteria, the staff always slipped her the “extra tray.” She also knew her way around the kitchen and dipped into the popsicles, ice cream, juice, and milk for herself and Mr. Henry. Over the three or four years I cared for Mr. Henry, I saw him get sicker and sicker. Though he loved Miss Alice, he was a horny old-goat. Staff had to dance to keep from being patted and pinched, but he was savvy enough not to do it in front of Miss Alice. She told us she’d whipped a couple of women over Mr. Henry. I, for one, didn’t want to get patted and “whipped.” One day, he had a seizure. We initiated resuscitation and worked to get him back. The first sign of success was when he squeezed a nurse’s breast while she was trying to get his blood pressure. We felt pretty sure he was back to normal, then.
Even though he was an unapologetic, old lecher, we were fond of Mr. Henry, probably because we loved Miss Alice. One day, I heard Mr. Henry had died. I’ve wondered so many times how Miss Alice fared after his death.
Mother was showing her septuagenarian visitors around town when they made a late afternoon stop at the museum garden. One of her visitors had a bad foot and was on a cane, so she thought a gentle stroll would be just what they needed while they killed time waiting to go to Cracker Barrel, the designated old folks watering hole.
Mother led them from one unique corner in the garden after another. She is an enthusiastic host, if nothing else. Eventually, Cracker Barrel’s siren song wooed them. They made for the tall wrought-iron gates, only to find them locked. They’d overstayed visitor’s hours and were incarcerated.
There was nothing to do but call 911. The ladder truck showed up to hoist the seventy-somethings over the fence. It took some maneuvering but the firemen eventually even liberated the lady with the cane and the bum foot. A good time was had by all! The firemen had a good laugh at their expense. They’d certainly worked up a good appetite by the time they finally got to Cracker Barrel.
One beautiful June afternoon, Mother found herself at loose ends. A bit miffed that everyone else had plans that didn’t include her she decided to take the high road and visit The American Rose Center. She strolled around for a while, thinking how cute she must look in her floppy garden hat with its silk roses, neat denim shorts and socks dyed to match her shirt. She thought she must be about the cutest thing around with no one there to see her.
Happily, she noticed a quaint little chapel with welcoming doors thrown wide open. Lush roses bloomed on either side of the doors. “Oh ! They’re having some kind of program. How nice.”. She took a seat on the left front pew, hoping there would be good music. After a while, the speaker wandered to the front. In rapid succession, Well-dressed people started taking their seats. As proud as she’d been of her outfit earlier, she started to feel a bit underdressed in her shorts and sneakers. It finally occurred to her when the mother of the bride was escorted down the aisle by an usher. The lady gave Mother a hard look as she was seated behind the interloper. Mother scurried toward the back of the chapel as the organist began the Wedding March. She tried to be invisible in the corner till the bridal party took their places at the altar
Mother said they were the most unfriendly family she’d ever seen!
Johnny was my first crush in first grade. I wanted to play with him but he preferred Nona, his neighbor. I couldn’t blame him. She wore cowboy boots, flannel shirts, and brown corduroy pants. Not only that, she could spit through the gap between her front teeth and was the fastest runner in the first grade. She also had beautiful thick-lensed eyeglasses with red plaid frames. I might have had a chance with Johnny if I hadn’t told the teacher he stole my milk nickel. He hadn’t. The teacher made me clean out my desk. There it was plain as day, just under my rough paper tablet.
Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past ninety-six and “not tall.” In fact, she got busted by the nurse at her last exam. “How tall are you?” asked the nurse.
Mother looked her in the eye and said, “5’2,” bold as brass.
The nurse stared her down. “Let’s measure you.” They came back in a minute and the nurse said. “I’ll give you 4’ 9 3/4 .”
1. She asked a nice young police officer to “jack her off.”
2. She once crashed a formal wedding in cut off blue jeans.
3. She was once locked in a museum garden and had to be rescued by the fire department.
4. She was locked in Windsor Castle. More on that later.
5. She rolled up a car window up on a camel’s lip. These things happen.
6. She made change in the offering plate at church and came out twenty dollars ahead
7. She lost her bra at church one Sunday. She never could explain that!
8. When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe and refused to give them more than eleven dollars. Go figure.
9. She threatened a rapist.
10. She won’t say “Bull.” That sounds crude. She substitutes “male cow.” God knows she tried to raise me right!
Carrying on #1:
Mother parked her car at the mall, got her sweater and purse and went in to shop and enjoy a leisurely lunch with friends. More than two hours later, she came out and discovered her car wouldn’t start. She’d left her lights on! She didn’t want to call her kids for help, so she flagged down a young police officer, planning to buffalo him with her sweet old grandmother act. “ Officer, my battery’s down. Can you please jack me off?” Luckily, she was neither arrested nor jacked off.
1. What do beans say to their Valentines? You keep me grounded. 2. How does an IT guy drink coffee? He installs Java. 3. What’s a coffee’s favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With Your Best Shot. 4. What’s the opposite of coffee? Sneezy. 5. What do you call two coffee mugs sitting next together? A happy cupple. 6. What’s a coffee’s favorite Wham! song? Wake Be up Before You Cocoa! 7. I didn’t choose the mug life, the mug life chose me. 8. How do coffee cups greet each other? With mugs and kisses.
The old farmer just got married and as he was driving home with his new wife the mule stopped and wouldn’t pull the wagon. The farmer smacked him over the head with a 2×4…..and said, “That’s One! ….. …The second time the mule refused to move the farmer went over and hit him with the 2×4 and said…”That’s Two!……… ……The third time the mule refused the farmer took his gun and shot him……. The new wife started to criticize the old farmer for shooting his mule and he says;
That’s one…………….
A cardiologist who was nearing the end of his career to leave the spotlight and stress of leading the cardiologist staff of the Mayo Clinic, and moved to a small, rural hospital in the Florida Panhandle. He told the staff at the Mayo Clinic, “I am tired of dealing with CEO’s and millionaires who are too busy to take care of their hearts, and look forward to the simple country lifestyle of patching up farmers and their bankers who have simply worn their hearts out.”
Sadly, after only four short years of simpler life, the Cardiologist died of cancer. When his comrades from the Mayo Clinic heard the sad news they told the family that they wanted to help them plan a very elaborate funeral, to pay their respects for this great man who had so much influence on doctors all over the world. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service at the church, and all in attendance were in awe, having never seen such an event. Following the eulogy, as harp music played, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
All of a sudden, one of the mourners in the back of the church burst out in laughter. Every head turned to see the source of this disrespectful laughter. It was one of the country doctors from the small town hospital. With the whole crowd glaring at him in disgust, the doctor held up his hand and said, “I am so sorry folks, I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, he was a great friend. I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a proctologist.
Harold was a farmer, who had stayed healthy and happy out on the farm for over 60 years. As the years slipped by, however, his wife worried about him out in the summer heat for long hours each day. She had been right to worry as one summer, while out fixing fence, the heat got the best of Harold. He got dehydrated and had to be hospitalized. Harold hated it there, because he kept wanting to get home to check on his crops and cattle. The doctor warned him that he needed to spend at least 4 days in the hospital, so they could run a series of tests on his heart and other systems. Plus he just wanted to make sure Harold’s strength had returned, because he knew he would be right back out farming again in the heat.
There was one young nurse that just drove Harold absolutely crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry today?” Old Harold had had about all he could stand of this particular nurse, and just had to get out of that hospital. He was more sick of people poking, prodding, testing and talking to him like an helpless old man, than he was from the heat stroke.
One day at breakfast, he came up with a plan. The nurse came to his room and left him a urine bottle to fill for testing. After she had left his room, Harold got a twinkle in his eye as he spied the apple juice on the breakfast tray on his bed side stand. Well you know where the juice went, right into the urine sample vial.
A little while later when the patronizing nurse returned, she picked up the vile and said, “My oh my, it seems we are a little cloudy today?” At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it right down, saying, “Well, let’s run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”
The nurse fainted! Harold boomed out, “This nurse needs help!” Within seconds 4 nurses and two doctors were fussing all around her. Harold just smiled and said to himself, “Now’s my chance to get the heck out of this place.” He snatched his clothes out of the closet, got dressed in the restroom down the hall, headed to the elevator, and was out the door before anyone knew what happened!
This is my cute little ninety-six yea-old-mother. She still lives in her home with a good bit of support. She’s as good-natured as she looks. Quite a few men in her neighborhood have shown interest in her. She says there’s nothing wrong with men, except the keep breathing in and breathing out.
Mr. Henry was the one admitted as a patient, but the nurses took care of Miss Alice, too. Mr. Henry had to have been in his late forties when he married simple-minded little Miss Alice, a girl of fourteen. Nowadays, that would have been a case for the courts, but when it happened back in the sixties, there was no one to speak for Miss Alice. They’d been married more than thirty years when I knew them and appeared to dote on each other. Miss Alice never voluntarily left his side, except to go down to the courtyard to bum cigarettes from patients and staff smoking in the long ago days when hospitals had smoking areas. Sometimes she even talked folks out of a little money. After a successful run, she’d bring a couple back up to him to smoke in the room. Miss Alice ended almost every conversation with, “I love Mr. Henry
Nutsrok 