humor

Familyisms

Like all families we employ time-honored phrases that seem nonsense to others:

“Don’t go crazy, Sue!” My cousin’s husband, a real doofus, employed this when he really messed up, intending to temper her reaction. example: He backed over the dog after she’d told him it had slipped out. It didn’t calm her down a bit.

“I don’t like what I wanted.” My three year-old-niece had a quarter. She’d been hounding her mom all morning to take her to the store. Finally, the time came. Chelsea ran up to the vending machine outside the store , popping her quarter in before Mom could stop her. Out popped a tacky little plastic car. Furious with disappointment , smashed it to the ground. Mom chided her. “I thought you wanted a prize out of the machine!”

Chelsea spouted back, “I don’t LIKE what I wanted.”

That phrase is perfect for so many of our choices in life!

“It couldn’t be helped.” Mother is a ditz, scatterbrained and chronically behind in whatever she had to do. When the beans burned, she forgot to pick a kid up at basketball practice, forgot to stub a check, or messed up in any way, she justified it by saying, “It couldn’t be helped.”. This was rarely true.

“It’s starting to get some better.”. Daddy was a hypochondriac.  When he managed a malady, he clung to it tenaciously. About two weeks after wasps stings, Mother facetiously asked how it was.  Mistaking her sarcasm for concern, he replied, “It’s starting to get some better.”

“The head’s as dangerous as the rest of it!”. My sister was warning us to stay away from a decapitated snake.  “Stay away from that snake head!  It’s as dangerous as the rest of it!” Duh!

“Only fools f___s with snakes.”. A guy Bud worked with coined this wisdom.  Since we had little kids at the time we had to amend it.

” I salted it, but not enough.”. Mother was the master of confusion.  Putting a plates of eggs on the table one morning, she advised us, ” I salted them, but not enough.”. Where do you go from there?  Salt or don’t salt.  By the time you decide, your egg’s half gone.

Drinking Jokes


A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the drunk man and says, ”I’m sorry sir, but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink.” The guy swears and walks out of the bar.

Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer. Again the bartender says, ”I’m sorry, sir…but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink!”

Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer. Again, the bartender says to the man… ”I’m really sorry, sir, but you’ve had too much to drink…you’re going to have to leave!”  The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, “My God, man… How many bars do you work at?!”

My girlfriend told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

 I thought, That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.

sake of it

The past, present, and future walk into a bar…It was tense.

Free Drink

A neutron walks into a bar and asks “How much for a whisky ?”
And the Bartender replies, “For you, No charge!”

A blind man….

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.

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Two guys were fishing from a boat in a pond.  One of them saw a floating bottle and picked it up.  When he pulled out the cork a genie emerged from the bottle.

“Oh, thank you, thank you,” said the genie.  “I’ve been trapped in that bottle for years.  I’m going to grant you one wish as a reward for releasing me.”

One of the men said, “Can you change all the water in this pond to Beer?”

“You’ve got it.”  said the genie as he vanished.

Both of the men dipped their cups into the pond for a taste.  Sure enough, it was an excellent Belgian style lager.

The second man said, “Way to go, big guy!  You realize that from now on we have to pee into the boat?”

Best Dog Jokes of the Day

A Boxer, a German Shepherd and a Rottweiler are sitting in the grass having a conversation when the Boxer pipes up “I think we can all agree that I am the best dog ever!”
The German Shepherd smiled and said “Well my friend, last night God came to me in a dream and told me that it was me that was the best dog ever!”
The Rottweiler turned around with a horrified expression and said “I said what?”

A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. When the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child’s classroom with him before a teacher noticed him and shooed him back outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down outside the door, whimpering and staring at the closed doors and not understanding in the least as to why he was refused entry. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted him on the head to comfort him and said, “Don’t feel bad fella’…they won’t let ME in there either.”

My Favorite Joke

The crowds had been packing the traveling “tent revival” every night that week, grateful offerings filling the pockets of the evangelist. Cure after cure was enacted in the sweltering heat of those July evenings. Emotions were at an all time high on the last night as the last two afflicted souls reached the evangelist at the front of the tent..

Struggling up the steps on her crutches poor Mrs. Smith hobbled up to the evangelist. “Heal me! I haven’t been able to walk without crutches in twenty years.”

“Yes, Sister! You will be healed! Go behind the screen and wait with the others sinners. I’ll get to you all at one time.

Johnny Jones was the last in line. “I have a lifth. It hath made my life awful. Pleath heal me of my lifth!”

“Yes, Brother!  You will be healed!  Go behind the curtain with all the others and you will all be healed at once.”

The evangelist offered up a long, heartfelt prayer for healing.  Weeping could be heard all over the tent.  Finally, he concluded, calling out dramatically.  “Mrs. Smith, you haven’t been able to walk without crutches for twenty years, have you?”to

“No, Lord!” she replied from behind the curtain.

“You are healed! Throw your right crutch over the curtain.” Her right crutch clattered over the curtain. “Now throw your left crutch over the curtain.” The left crutch followed.

Thunderous “Amens!” echoed all over the tent.

“Johnny Jones, you are healed of your lisp.  Call out to us in a loud, clear voice so all can hear!” demanded the evangelist!

“Mithuth Thmith just fell on her ath!”

Here boy!

Paddy is extremely upset when his dog runs away. 

His wife says to him “Paddy, why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”

Paddy thinks that this is a great idea so he proceeds to do so.

Paddy hasn’t heard anything back from the ad in weeks when his wife asks him “What did you you put in the ad for our missing dog Paddy?”

“Here boy!”

Nursing Slip Up

I was reporting back to a doctor on his agitated emergency room patient I had just been caring for.  Meaning to say, “He was really bucking and fighting.” I got tangled up and said “f–cking and biting.”  Trying to recover before the doc reacted, I snapped back,” but fortunately I didn’t get bit!”

Perfect Timing

Life presents us some perfect moments it would be a sin to ignore.  Bud, my husband of fifty-four years, and I were walking across a parking lot on a drizzly day when Bud noticed my boot lace was flopping.  “Tie your shoe!”

“I’ll tie it when I get inside.  I’m not standing in the rain to tie it,” I spouted.

“Stop!  You’re gonna break your dang neck!  I’ll tie it!”. He dropped to his knee on the wet pavement to tie it just as two men walked by.

“No,” I protested.  “I won’t marry you! Now get up.”

They burst into laughter as they passed us.

Cat Cartoons Today

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'I can too show gratitude. I'm just saving it for the right moment.'

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Doctor Jokes

“Doctor, doctor!  Come quick. Little Johnny just swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”

“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me!  I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Uh oh!  Do you drink a lot?”
“I try, but I spill most of it!”

“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are five minutes apart!”
“Calm down.  Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”