Grandpa J was a mighty man. Though of average height, a lifetime of farming and good genes he was barrel-chested with the arms of a blacksmith. A man to be reckoned with, he didn’t tolerate fools lightly. It was unlikely any of his neighbors would have wanted to tangle with him, so he was mystified to find someone had been slipping in and stealing corn from his corncrib at night, but it was the depression and times were hard.
Determined to put a stop to the theft, Grandpa and his son,Frank, made their way to the shed well before daylight, Frank carrying a shuttered lantern. Grandpa whispered, “When I open the door, open the shutter.”
Sure enough, when Grandpa flung open the door, the lantern revealed the thief. A half-grown white-face yearling stared blindly at them. Reacting instinctively, Grandpa hit the surprised bovine between the eyes, knocking him out.
Grandpa jumped back, cursing and cradling the fist he’d just pounded into the unconscious yearling’s bony head. Enjoying the story later, one of the family asked Frank, “Did you laugh?”
“Hell no!” He replied. “ He still had one good fist.!”
John Smith is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather’s death at 90. In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired in 1955. Out of curiosity, he checks online and is amazed to see that the shoe shop is still in business at the same location. John enters the shop and starts talking to the owner who explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life. John gives the ticket to the shop owner who heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there. After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims “Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday.”
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Sunday School
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her class. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat, a six-year-old boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to take his money with him when he died.
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally came up with a plan to hang on to his money when he died.
He had his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
On the ride out to our old neighbor’s funeral, Billy told me about “a friend” of his who had embarrassed himself in the drive-through line of a hamburger joint earlier that week. The “friend” had gotten stuck in line, right next to the speaker. He called out several times with no response. He was wedged in. It was hot. He was hotter! He couldn’t order, go backward or forward, so did the only reasonable thing. He cursed loudly about waiting in the heat, abusing the reputation of the restaurant, the employees, their forbears, and hamburgers joints in general, pounding his steering wheel to make a point!
After a bit of this infantile behavior, the speaker clicked on. “May I take your order, please?” Relieved, he gave his order and pulled up. When he got to the window, he found a sea of faces waiting to see the idiot they’d heard throwing the fit. The speaker had been on the whole time.
He finished his story just as we squeaked into the churchyard. We filed in with the mourners, taking a seat. As the services started, it was pretty warm. Before long, it was hot as Hades. Obviously the air conditioner was on the blink. Billy grinned and whispered to me, “It’s hot.” Remembering his ‘friend’, I stifled a giggle. As the eulogy continued and mourners sniffled, I struggled to maintain my composure, not daring to look at him. We were both shaking silently, as though overcome by grief. The blazing heat miraculously unstopped my sinuses. Suddenly, a river of snot cascaded from my nose as I burst into maniacal laughter. Vainly, I instituted an ineffective snot management manuever while futilely trying to give the impression of being overcome by grief, not insane laughter. It might have been more convincing had brother, Bozo the Clown, not been beside me in the same state. We fled without trying to console the family, figuring we’d done enough.
Nutsrok 