When I was a kid, nothing would have shocked me more than the thought of hurting my mother. Despite this, when I was about ten, my brother and I came upon my mother rocking the baby, one of her few opportunities to take a break out of her impossible day. She had very little lap for the baby, since she was hugely pregnant with another.. Most often, she drifted off for a little nap herself. We thought it would be fun to surprise her by pulling on the back of the rocker, tipping her back. She must have been shocked or extremely good-natured, because she laughed out loud. Foolishly inferring we’d pleased her, we rocked her even further back, with her continued shrieks of, “Stop! Stop! You’re going to drop me!” Because she seemed to be having so much fun, we kept it up till the chair tipped backwards, leaving her stranded, lying with the rocker back on the floor, swollen feet high in the air, under the weight of two babies, one on top of her belly, the other inside nearly ready to pop out.
We were horrified, thinking we’d killed her. The baby was howling at being upside down on her incapacitated Mama. Of course, Mother could do nothing to help herself, except shout, “Help, get me up! Get me up!” I thought we’d killed her, and probably the squalling baby, as well as the one on the way. The two of us struggled to get the chair up, learning a valuable lesson in physics at the same time. It’s a lot easier to tip a pregnant woman over than to get to her upright. Everybody did survive, despite our idiocy. The miracle was, the whole situation struck Mother as funny. Since then, I’ve never tempted to tip another pregnant woman over.
humor
Healing……No!
My children took advantage of one of my fatal discipline flaws. Should their behavior cross the line and require discipline, activating my funny bone rendered me useless. The pastor in our small Methodist Church offered healing by laying on of hands at the end of the regular Sunday Service. I suspect that was one of the few times John, age ten, had ever listened. He made a move as though he was heading to the front. I was totally surprised, and caught his arm, thinking he’d misunderstood.
”What’s going on?” I asked.
”I’ve got a heat rash!” He giggled.
”Sit down.” He got me.
Louisiana Blonde Joke
The couple started discussing pronunciation as they were approaching Natchitoches, Louisiana in their travels. The wife asked a blonde girl in the restaurant, “Can you tell me the name of this place and please pronounce it slowly for me? I’m not from around here.
“Sure, it’s Burger King. Burrr……Gerrr…….King!”
Connie said, “Damn!”
My sister Connie is seventeen months older than Marilyn. She was protective of Marilyn from the start, always giving over to “the baby,”. She wasn’t encouraged to do it, that’s just how she was. Mother awas careful not make a difference or favor Marilyn. In fact, she was felt bad at seeing Connie knocked out of the baby spot, so bent over backwards trying to be fair.
Marilyn had no problem asserting herself. Since Connie didn’t want Marilyn to get in trouble, she rarely hit Marilyn back or tattled on her. I infer this worked well for Marilyn.. As country children often do, one day Connie didn’t want to take time to go in and wee wee. She simply darted behind a tree to do the job. Finding an abandoned hubcap that served as a dog-feeding dish, she squatted and filled it. As she stood, Marilyn slipped up behind her and kicked it, splashing Connie liberally. Instead of smacking Marilyn like a normal kid would have, Connie just exclaimed, “Damn!” Marilyn was off like a shot, looking for Mother, Connie ,right behind her as soon as she got her wet clothes pulled up.
””Mama, Mama! Connie said “Damn!” This was big trouble. Mother wouldn’t tolerate trashytalk.
Mother whirled around, shocked, expecting Connie to deny the evil deed. “Connie, did you say, “Damn?”
”Yes.” Connie whimpered. Had she told Mother what Marilyn had done, they would both have been swatted.
”Get me the fly swat.” Mother kept a plastic fly swat hanging by the back door ready for just such a occasion. She gave Connie two or three quick swats and dismissed her, while Marilyn stood by self-righteously. It was years before Connie told the whole story.
I wonder if the dogs thought “Damn” later that day when they smelled pee in their dish.
My family: I am in the back row Left, holding Connie’s hands, Billy Center, Phyllis holding Marilyn Right.
Croc and the Doc
I Don’t Wanna Work!
The kids met Bud at the door with their complaint. “Mama’s making us do work?”Abuse was written al over their tragic faces. Bud was all sympathy. “Oh no! Why in the world would she do such thing?
They poured their collective hearts out between sniffles. “Mama told us to go out and play. Then we got in a fight. I have to vacuum the living room and Sister has to fold washcloths. She won’t let us go play till we get through.”
” We’ll, everybody has to work. I work. Mama works. You need to help out.” Bud explained. Hurry up and get through then ask Mama if you can go out.”
”But I don’t like to work.” They wailed.
The Doctor’s Office, Lady, Pig, and Cow
The time in our doctor’s waiting room became unexpectedly enjoyable as we sat with an elderly lady and her family. No one had said much beyond “Good morning” till the elderly lady asked her daughter to push her closer so she could admire the ornaments on the tree Dr. Irby had so generously decorated for her patients’ pleasure. She laughed and said, “I am eighty-three years old. I’ve come all the way from chopping wood to people walking on the moon. Oh, I’ve chopped lots of wood.” As she talked on, she cackled as she told this one. “I’ve milked many a cow in my time, many a cow. I remember one time, I was ‘a milking two titties and a pig was ‘a sucking on the other side.” She had us all laughing along with her. We would have loved to spend the rest of the day with her. What a wonderful visit we had!
Best Dog Jokes of the Day
#1 Mrs Green’s Dog & her neighbor
Mrs Green was walking to the post office when her neighbor came up to her and said “Hello Janis, How’s your dog? I saw her yesterday chasing an old man on a bike.”
“Oh” said Mrs Green “That could NOT have been my dog”
“Oh, why not?” replied her neighbor “I’m pretty sure it was her”
“Well” stated Mrs. Green smiling “my dog doesn’t ride a bike”
#2 Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. S
hocked, the manager runs over and says, “Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?” The blind man calmly replies, “No thanks – I’m just looking around.”
#3 – Q: What do dogs call frozen poop?
A: Poopsicles
#4 Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:
“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”
#5 Two Scottish nuns
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“That’s odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one.
The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’.
The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part… did you get…?”
#6 – Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?
A: Puppy dogs.
#7 Clever Dachshund
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.
The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says…
“Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”
#8 Talking Beagle
A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
‘So, what’s your story?’
The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.
He was in the Navy!’
#9 Q: How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?
A: Put it in your back yard!
#10 Seeing Eye Dogs
There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, “Sorry man, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pincher?”
He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”
The guy at the door says, “Come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua figures “What the hell,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, “Sorry pal, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”
He says, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
#11 Bad Dog?
It was the end of the day when a policeman was parking his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Spike, was barking, and he saw a little boy staring at him.
“Is that a dog you got back there?” the boy asked.
“It sure is,” the policeman replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the office and then towards the back of the van. Finally
the boy asked, “So… What’d he do?”
Family Talk
We all have “family talk” that outsiders don’t get. A much-used phrase in our family is, “I don’t like what I wanted.” was first uttered by my little niece, Chelsea. She had a quarter and spent the morning begging her mother to walk her to a nearby store to put the quarter in a vending machine for a prize. As soon as her afternoon nap was over, off they walked for her prize. Upon popping her quarter in, a capsule with a lizard dropped in her hand. She hated it and smashed it to the ground.
“Chelsea, you’ve been wanting a prize all morning. Why did you throw it down?”
”I don’t like what I wanted!”
That line comes in so handy. You can use it referring to a car, a man, a job, or the new shoes that cramp your toes. Thank you, Chelsea.
My cousin’s husband provided another great phrase. When he was frustrated with her, he’d pronounce, “Don’t go crazy, Sue!” We use that one on each other at least once at every family gathering.
“It couldn’t be helped.” This one never fails to rile Mother. She used it often, usually after a big goof-up. It entered “family talk” after Mother made a ghastly mess hemming my brother’s new suit pants. It’s best to read that story in its entirety. https://atomic-temporary-73629786.wpcomstaging.com/2014/10/08/it-couldnt-be-helped/
Another is “You’re gonna have to buy the coffee.” My dad worked with a gifted liar. The man’s reputation was so well-established that anyone who repeated one of his stories had to buy the next round of coffee. On one occasion he came rushing by and one of the fellows called out, “Sam, stop and tell us a big one.”
” I can’t,” he replied. A man just fell in Smokestack 9 and I have to call an ambulance.” They rushed behind him to discover it was all a lie. He was just headed to the cafeteria.
”I just spent my last two bucks on toilet paper and didn’t even get to dookey!” This one originated with my husband Bud. We awoke in the night to hear water spewing from a pipe under the bathroom sink. Sadly, over an inch of water was standing in the house. It was awful. We jumped into action, but floors and baseboards were ruined. It was obvious we’d be disfurnished for days till life was back to normal. After the initial water was syphoned and carpets removed we sat exhausted on bare concrete floors. Bud sadly pondered the mess and remarked, “I spent my last two bucks on toilet tissue and didn’t even get to dookey.” Since then, that phrase describes utter disappointment.
”You should have done it already.” My niece, Haley, kept straddling the new mailbox her father was trying to install, ignoring her fathe’s orders to stay off it. Finally exasperated, he warned her. “If you don’t stay off that mailbox, I’m going to have to paddle you.” That would have been a first.
She looked him straight in the eye, with all the wisdom of a four-year-old and said, “You should have done it already.”
”The head’s as dangerous as the rest of it.” said my sister as she warned us all away from the severed head of a rattlesnake. Very very people have been injured by the body and rattlers, for sure.
“You try to raise your kids right….. .” This is one of Mother’s favorites. When she met her mother-in-law for the first time, Mamaw gave her a chilly welcome. “You try to raise your kids right and then when the get old enough to help you out, they go off and get married.” Needless to say, it foretold a weak friendship. Since then, when Mother jokes about neglect by any of us, she dusts this phrase off.
“I didn’t want to be in the damn play, anyhow!” A young relative as coerced by his teacher to be in a school play by his teacher.
“Johnny, you have to be in the play. Your mama and daddy are coming. Your grandma’s coming. Everybody else is in the play.”
Finally, Johnny reluctantly agreed to a one-line part. All he had to say was, “Hark, I hear a pistol shot!”
“When his time came, he called out, “Hark! I hear a shistol pot!” He made a couple more attempts with no better luck.
Disgusted, he stomped his foot and proclaimed, “I didn’t want to be in the damned play, anyway!” This comes in handy when we’ve had enough.
Mamaw was partial to her two-year-old grandson, referring to him often as “Ma’s little man.” His three-year-old sister was sick of coming in last. Planting her fists on her little hips, she waggled her butt and mimicked, “Ma’s little man! Ma’s little man! All me ever hear. Ma’s little man!”
Mamaw early 1950s She loved Ma’s little man.
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Nutsrok 