joke

Painting Joke

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He’s a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later the appraiser calls him: “I’ve finished my analysis, and I’ve got some good news. There’s no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius.” The man is ecstatic: “I can sell these for millions!” The appraiser says “Well, you can sell them, and they’ll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn’t much of a painter… and Van Gogh made lousy violins.”

Humorous Tales from Nurses: A Lighthearted Look at Healthcare

St. Peter and the Three Nurses

Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner-city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.” “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates, she went.

To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.” “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”

“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days!”

Rectal Thermometer

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhaustedafter an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, “Well, that’s great…some asshole’s got my pen!”

Speaking of Rectal Thermometers…

Q: What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Ten Quarters

I had to take my son to the hospital after he swallowed ten quarters. He was rushed to surgery. After half an hour I saw a nurse so I asked her how he was. She said, “There’s no change yet.”

Three Wishes

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks, a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry. “I am Gina the Great,” stated the lady. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit, and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.

The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.

The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.” With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.

“Now, what is the last wish?” asked the lady.

The charge nurse said, “I want those two ambitious nurses back on the floor at the end of the lunch break!”

“WTH!”

Q: Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?

A: It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!

Big Jake

When I traveled in the Yukon Territory. I would often stop by this trading post/bar/restaurant and got to know the owner. One night he asked me if I could watch the place while he took food to a sick friend.

“Sure!”, I said.

Everything is humming along, suddenly a man burst through the door,

“Run for your lives! Big Jake’s coming!”.

Oh, crap. The place cleared out, I am hiding behind the bar when I hear the rumble of a Snowcat (big tank-like vehicle with bulldozer treads). The door slams open and a HUGE man covered in bearskins stomps into the place.

”Gimme a keg!!”.

I roll the keg from the walk-in refrigerator, he jams the tapper into it and sprays it into his face and mouth. When it was empty, I meekly asked him if he wanted another, he yells,

“You kiddin’ me? I’m outta here, Big Jake is coming!!”

Good Ones!

The nurse was talking to a hospitalized patient wearing an oxygen mask. “Are my testicles black?” the man asks. The nurse reassures him that everything is fine, but he is adamant “Are my testicles black?” The nurse again reassures him there are no problems, but a third time “are my testicles black??”. Finally she takes a look and tells the man the testicles are fine. The man tears off the oxygen mask, and repeats “Are my test result back?” OOPS

“Doctor doctor, what happened to that man who fell into the circular saw and had the whole left side of his body cut away?”

“He’s all right now.”

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.

“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.

“10…” says the doctor.

“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.

“10…9…8…7…”

A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, “Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.” “But, I don’t have the fingers!” “Why didn’t you bring the fingers?!” asks the incredulous doctor. “Doc, I couldn’t pick them up.”

A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I think I’m going deaf!”

And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms?” 

The man responds, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”

Funny Elf Jokes for Adults

An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf, all old friends, are sitting at a tavern,
talking about the night they had with their wives…

The Human smirks as he says “Damn, but I had fun last night. I banged my wife good last night, about seven times… When we woke up this morning, she told me she loved me and was going to make my favorite meals all day..”

The Elf looks at him, then smirks and responds “Well, I only made love four times to my wife last night, but each time was like a new ecstatic experience. When we awoke this morning, she said we’d spend the rest of our days together and would surprise me again tonight..”

The Dwarf looks at them both and snorts, drinking his beer silently.
After an uncomfortable of being stared at by the other two, he finally says “Fine, fine.. My wife and I had intercourse once last night.”

The other two blink, until the Elf smirks and asks “Pray, tell us what
she said to you this morning..”

This time, the Dwarf smirks and says “She said.. Please, Honey, don’t
stop now…”

Tough Teacher

The new teacher intended to brook no nonsense in his one room school. The students took their seats as he walked around slapping his hand with his strap.

He whirled and turned his attention to the first boy in the first row. “You boy! What’s your name, boy?”

“Sam.” answered the boy.

“Hold out your hand!” The teacher snapped. He strapped the palm of the boy’s hand. “Your name is Samuel! Don’t ever let me hear you say Sam, again!”

He turned to the next boy. “What’s your name?”

“Zeke.” said the boy.

“Hold out your hand!” When the boy extended his hand, the teacher strapped his palm smartly. “Your name is Ezekial! Don’t ever say Zeke again!”

He turned to the third boy. “Boy, what’s your name?”

Trembling the boy answered, “Bobual?”

Accounting Jokes


Top 45 Rib Cracking Accounting Jokes – The Lighter Side of Numbers

Author: Financial Cents

Financial Cents Hub» Articles» Top 45 Rib Cracking Accounting Jokes – The Lighter Side of Numbers

In this article 

Have you ever been in the middle of a demanding, high-pressure accounting task, and a colleague comes in to share a joke that immediately gets you laughing to the point of forgetting all the stress momentarily? That’s the power of accounting jokes — they are a great way to lighten the mood and bring much-needed balance into the world of numbers.

In this article, we’ve compiled a list of the top 45 rib-cracking accounting jokes that will make you smile or chuckle. From clever puns to witty one-liners, these jokes will tickle your funny bone. So put all debits and credits aside, sit back, relax, and prepare for a good laugh!

45 of the funniest accounting jokes you should hear

“Laughter is the best medicine,” they say. For accountants, that popular saying is doubly true. Laughter is the key to preserving your sanity in this demanding profession, and it’s the best remedy after a long day of crunching numbers.

We have plenty of accounting jokes, but they’re never appreciated 😉. However, we’re sure you’ll appreciate the ones below.

1. Welcome to the accounting department! You take the credit; we process the debit.

2. What do constipated accountants do? Work it out with a pencil.

3. How do you know your son is going to be a CPA?

When you read him the story of Cinderella and get to the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden carriage, he asks, “Daddy, is that ordinary income or a capital gain?”

 4. Who leads accountants to battle?

General Ledger.

5. How did the accountant propose to his girlfriend?

With an engagement letter.

accounting jokes: how did the accountant propose to his girlfriend?

6. Why are accountants so unhappy?

Because it’s accrual world.

7. What’s an accountant’s favorite exercise?

Balancing the books. It’s a great way to work out those numbers!

8. An accountant was having difficulty sleeping and went to see his doctor.

“Doctor, I just cannot get to sleep at night.”

“Have you tried counting sheep?”

“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then I spend three hours trying to find it.”

9. What do you call wet money?

Liquid asset.

10. “I’m in danger”

Source

11. What do partnerships and ghosts have in common? 

They’re both pass-through entities.

12. An accountant was leaving another accountant’s office and said, “Calc you later!”

13. Why did the accountant bring a ladder to the tax office?

To reach the highest tax bracket.

14. How do you catch an auditor lying?

You throw a net over them.

15. Have you heard about the accountant who was a great baker? 

Best Ever Rabbi and Priest joke

A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.”The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.”The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.Finally the rabbi quietly observed, “Beats the hell out of a bacon sandwich doesn’t it?”

Embarrassment

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, “NO, I DON ‘T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!” All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy ‘s table and said, “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT ‘S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy stood and whispered in her ear, “I study law, and I know how to screw people.”