joke of the day

Joke of the Day

Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

Kid: “Mamma, when the fire goes out where does it go?”
Mom: “My dear son, I don’t know. You might just as well ask me where your father goes when he goes out.”

A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”
He replied, “I study astronomy.”
“Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”

Little Bobbie, while at a neighbor’s, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said “Thank you.”

“That’s right, Bobbie,” said the lady. “I like to hear little boys say ‘thank you’.”

“Well,” rejoined Bobbie. “If you want to hear me say it again you might put some jam on it.”

Mother took Willie to his first concert. The conductor was leading the orchestra and directing the soprano soloist as well. Willie was greatly interested.

“Mother, why is that man shaking his stick at the lady?” he asked.

“Hush; he is not shaking his stick at her.”

“Then what is she screaming for?”

Joke of the Day

The Blonde and the Final Exam

A blonde reported for her university final examination which consists
of “yes/no” type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and
marking the answer sheet “Yes” for Heads and “No” for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating
it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

The blonde replies, “I finished the exam in half an hour, but I’m rechecking
the answers”.

Old Man McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

“S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

Paddy O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

An Irishman and his wife entered the dentist’s office.
“I want a tooth pulled, ” the man said. “We are in a big hurry to get to the pub, so don’t fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff.”
“You are a very brave man,” remarked the dentist. “Which tooth is it?”
“Show him your bad tooth, honey,” said the man to his wife.

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“Well, she spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Irishman.

Two Irishmen are walking up a hill and they see a head roll by them. The first Irishman says “Wasn’t that old Paddy O’Tool? The second Irishman says “I thought he was taller than that!”

Joke of the Day

Heaven’s Entrance Exam

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points
to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I
give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good
it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years
and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported
its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St. Peter. “That’s certainly worth a point.”

“One point?!!” “I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter
for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.

“Two points!?!!” Exasperated, the man cries. “At this rate
the only way I’ll get into heaven is by the grace of God.”

“Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!”

 

Gorgeous

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they
have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before
they enter Paradise.

They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. “I
want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.”

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line,
the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says……

“Make ’em all ugly again”

The Good Deed

A guy just died and he’s at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted,
while St. Peter is leafin’ through this Big Book to see if the guy is
worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says
to the guy, ‘You know, I can’t see that you ever did anything really bad
in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can
point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED– you’re in.’

The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Yeah, there was this one time
when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs
assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on
and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of ’em harassing this
terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire
iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge
guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to
his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around
me. So, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over
the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at
the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You’re all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a
lesson in pain!”

St. Peter, impressed, says, ‘Really? When did this happen?’
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”

How Do You Spell…?

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it
is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?”

To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do
to pass through the gates.

“Spell a word,” St. Peter replied.

“What word?” she asked.

“Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.”

The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love.
L-o-v-e.”

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,
and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few
minutes while he went to the bathroom. “I’d be honored,” she said, “but
what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?” St. Peter
reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers
to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful
angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the
gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so upset when I
left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make
it to Heaven?”

To which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word
first.”

“What word?” he asked.

The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”


‘

15 Dog Breeds That Didn’t Catch On

ugly dog 

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end
*
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
*
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
*
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
*
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
*
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
*
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
*
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
*
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
*
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
*
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway
*
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work with you
*
Bloodhound + Borzoi
Bloody Bore, a dog that’s not much fun
*
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
*
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Joke of the Day

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the man, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Flowers.” “That’s right,” the boy said, but how did you know “Oh, just a wild guess,” she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.” “That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl. “Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?” With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!” SURPRISE!
 
Haven’t verified this on Snopes but it sounds legit.
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Joke of the Day

A gorgeous blonde walked up to the roulette table, slapped down twenty-thousand dollars . Turned to the attendants and said, “I hope you don’t’ mind if I strip down.  I have better luck when I’m nude.”  She stripped down, to the guys eye-dropping amazement.  “Seventeen!” She said and spun.

They stared, slack-jawed.

“I won!  I won!”  She shouted, jumping up and down in an incredible show! She picked  up all the chips and her clothes, and walked off, hips swinging.

When they regained their composure, one guy asked the other, “Did she really roll seventeen?”

“I don’t know,” said the first.  “I thought you were watching.”

Joke of the Day

Crawling Home
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, “I have to go home or the wife will be mad”.
(at this point he was loaded drunk)

He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said “I can’t walk and I didn’t have that much to drink?”.

He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says “I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don’t get home soon”!

He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.

The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said “you were out drinking again last night weren’t you!”

The man replied with “NO WAY!”
And the wife said “YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night”!

SOTALLY TOBER
starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I’m not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I’m just a little slort of sheep
I’m not drunk like tinkle peep
I don’t know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
‘cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up

Joke of the Day

Give Me the Bill
Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.” The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender can’t believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.”

In disgust the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?’

The drunk replies, “No, you get violent when you drink.”

Panda in a Bar
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said “I’d like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please” so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said “Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!”
the panda calmly replied “Do you know what I am?”
“Why yes,” the barman answered. “Your a panda.”
“Good,” the panda nodded “Now go home and look up ‘panda’ in the dictionary.” And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend’s murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found ‘panda’ and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

Joke of the Day

What time does the bar open?
At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

“It opens at noon” answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

“What time does the bar open?” he asks.

“Same time as before… Noon.” replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”

The Golden Toilet
There was this guy, let’s call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, “wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!” Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, “do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?” and the bartender said to another person that was there, “hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!”

BAR TROUBLESHOOTING CHART
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.