joke of the day

Joke of the Day

As Joe left work, his wife called and asked him to bring home some salt.  He stopped by the store and asked the proprietor if he had any salt.

“Have I got salt?  I got iodized salt, plain table salt, rock salt, sea salt, seasoned salt,…..this whole back wall is covered with salt and I got salt stored down in the basement where I keep my stock.”

“Wow, you must sell a lot of salt!” remarked Joe.

“Naw, I can’t sell salt for shucks.  But that feller I get my salt from, now he can sell salt!”

Another Joke for You

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?” One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?” One male parrot said to the other, “Put the Bibles away! We’ve made it to heaven!”

Joke of the Day/Redneck Jokes

 

Emma Sue died during the night and Her husband Buddy called 911.  911 operator told Buddy that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?” asked the operator.

Buddy replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”

The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”

There was a long pause and finally Buddy said, “How ’bout if I just drag her over to Oak Street.”

 

Redneck Computer Terms

Hard drive –  Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard – Place to hang your truck keys.

Window – Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Modem –  How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: “We gonna modem dandelions”

ROM – Liquor often mixed with Coke

Byte – Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word “me” or “this”

Cursor – The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

Tab – What you owe the bartender

Shift – How you get to a different gear.

RAM – Great truck

Edit – Past tense of “eat” “Wher’d that leftover possum belly go?” ” You edit afore you passed out las nite.

Internet – Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).

Fonts – That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

Laptop – Where the stripper sits.

Joke of the Day

A blonde was waiting for her bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn’t!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him “How dare you touch me!! I don’t even know who you are!”

At this, the big guy drawled, “Well ma’am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!”

Life’s Achievements

Life’s Achievements!
Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:

At age 4, success is not peeing your pants
At age 16, success is “gettin’ a little”
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding

At age 35, success is about career and family

At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings
At age 65, success is “gettin’ a little”
At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!

Joke of the Day

Good News Bad News
 One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, “Please give me the good news first.”

Smiling, God explained, “I’ve created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.

Joke of the Day

Pays To Be Old

to be old

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. 
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had 
moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. 

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk 
they’d shared where Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally.’ 

On their way back ho me , a bag of money fell out of 
an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure 
what to do with it, they took it home. 
There, she counted the money:  
fifty-thousand dollars! 

Andy said, ‘We’ve got to give it back.’  

Sally said, ‘Finders keepers.’  

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood 
looking for the money and knocked on the door.

‘Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag 
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?’

Sally said, ‘No.’  

Andy said, ‘She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.’  

Sally said, ‘Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.’

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.  

One says:  ‘Tell us the story from the beginning’  


Andy said, ‘Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..’

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, ‘We’re outta here.’

Joke of the Day

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers

. “Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

Swinging in a Waterfall

joke of the day

Best Bar in The World
The first says: “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The second then starts: “That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink.”

Then the third pipes up. “You think that’s good? Where I come from, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” say the other two. “That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?” “No,” replies their friend, “but it happened to my sister!”