A young boy wandered away from his grandfather at the mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”

The cop asked, “What’s he like?”

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

“Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.”

 

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circleflies there, are ya?” The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said “Well, yeah, if that’s what they are, I never heard of circle flies”. So the farmer says- “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.” The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, ” Hey—wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?” The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.” The Trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, Hard to fool them flies though.”

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched

in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

 

Told to me by my Irish grandmother more than 30 years ago. (Best told in an Irish brogue.)

It was a hot, sticky summer morning and Paddy decided to go to early Mass before it gets too hot, so he tells his wife he will be back in an hour.

Sure enough, he comes back in an hour, but with 2 black eyes!

“Paddy,” she says, “You said you were going to church and here you been fightin!”

“No, Mother, I did go to church.”

“Well, what happened to you?”

“Well, you know it was so hot and Mrs. O’Leary was in the pew in front of me. When we got up from the sermon, I noticed that her dress was stuck up in her crack and I thought it looked terribly uncomfortable so I reached forward and pulled it out for her. She turned around and smacked me right in the eye.”

“Well, Paddy, that explains how you got one black eye, but what about the other?”

“Well, I thought, if that is the way she feels about it, I would put it back in.”

 

 

Bubba and Boudreau ( I am from Louisiana.  I can say this) Two young men from Louisiana were looking at a Sears catalog, admiring the models. Bubba says to  Boudreau ‘Have you seen the purty gals in this here catalog?’ Boudreau replies, ‘Yeah, they are purty as a speckled pup. And look at the price!’ Bubba says, with wide eyes, ‘Dang, they right cheap! At this price, I’m ‘on git me one.’ Boudreau grins and slaps him on the back. ‘Good idea! Order one and if she looks likes she does in ‘at catalog, I’m ‘on git me one, too.’ Three weeks later, Bubba asks Boudreau, ‘Did’ja ever git dat gal frum da Sears catalog?’ Boudreau replies, ‘Naw, but it ain’t gone be long now.  Her clothes come yesterday!’

How do you get a sweet little old lady to say the F-word? Get another sweet little old lady to yell “Bingo!”

I went to school with a plain looking girl who had three breasts. Two in front and an extra one in the middle of her back. She wasn’t much to look at but sure was fun to dance with.

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My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some “Nair” hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
The lady says: “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The druggist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.”
The lady says: “I’m not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer.”
The druggist says: “Stay off your bicycle for a week.”

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Mickey and Minnie were in divorce court. The judge says “So Mr. Mouse, if I understand your testimony, you claim that your wife is mentally deranged. Is that correct?” Mickey says, “No your honor, I said she was f*&%ing Goofy!”

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A man went into the lingerie department to buy his wife a bra.  “What kind do you want?”

“What kind?  Do you mean there are kinds?” he looked around at the sea of bras, feeling hopeless.

“Well yes.  There are many kinds, but they can actually be grouped into four classes.  First there’s the Catholic Bra.  It’s designed to lift the masses.  Then there’s the Salvation Army Bra.  It’s designed to lift the fallen.  Then comes the Presbyterian Bra.  It keeps them staunch and upright.  Finally we have the Baptist Bra.  It makes mountains out of molehills.

My grandpa complained he was so poor he didn’ have any clothes.  His pa went and got him a hat on his sixth birthday so he could look out the window.  They were poor, but they were’t trash. They went to see trash on Sunday.