Many years ago a Texas oil man rented a room in one of the finest hotels in New Orleans.  He asked that the tallest, skinniest, red-headed, freckled-faced woman who could be found be sent up to his room.  When she showed up, he told her to strip to her underwear.  When she obliged, he opened the door to the adjoining room and called his little red-haired daughter in.  “Now looky here, Becky.  This is ‘zactly what yore gonna look like iffen you don’t drink yore milk!”

A monk took a vow of silence when he entered the monastery.  The monks were allowed to speak two word every ten years.  The first time his turn came around, he said, “”Food stinks.”  Ten years passed.  At his next opportunity, he said, “It’s cold.”  Ten years later, when he spoke for the third time, he said, “”I quit!”

“I’m not surprised.” said the Monsignor.  He’s been complaining ever since he got here!”

While a man was putting flowers on his Mother’s grave, he noticed a man nearby lying prostrate on a nearby grave, wailing, “”Why did you have to die?  Why did you have to die?”

He approached him.  “Sir, I’ve never seen such a display of grief.  Who are you mourning?”

“My wife’s first husband!”

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts” She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start.” This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer before it starts.” “That’s it!” She blows her top, “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?” The husband sighed. “Oh sh–, it started!”