joke of the day

Joke of the Day

Mike met his badly battered friend Bryan at the bar one Saturday night.

“Faith and Begorrah, man.  What happened to you? ”

“Mike McGarrity came at me with a baseball bat and caught me with no way to defend myself.”

image“Good heavens, Bryan.  Don’t you know better than to let yourself get caught with nothing in your hand!”

“Well, I did have Mrs. McGarrity’s breast in me hand, and a thing of beauty it is, but not of much use in a fight!”

Joke of the Day

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”

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Best of Best Afternoon Dog Funnies

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My Favorite Joke

The crowds had been packing the traveling “tent revival” every night that week, grateful offerings filling the pockets of the evangelist. Cure after cure was enacted in the sweltering heat of those July evenings. Emotions were at an all time high on the last night as the last two afflicted souls reached the evangelist at the front of the tent..

Struggling up the steps on her crutches poor Mrs. Smith hobbled up to the evangelist. “Heal me! I haven’t been able to walk without crutches in twenty years.”

“Yes, Sister! You will be healed! Go behind the screen and wait with the others sinners. I’ll get to you all at one time.

Johnny Jones was the last in line. “I have a lifth. It hath made my life awful. Pleath heal me of my lifth!”

“Yes, Brother!  You will be healed!  Go behind the curtain with all the others and you will all be healed at once.”

The evangelist offered up a long, heartfelt prayer for healing.  Weeping could be heard all over the tent.  Finally, he concluded, calling out dramatically.  “Mrs. Smith, you haven’t been able to walk without crutches for twenty years, have you?”to

“No, Lord!” she replied from behind the curtain.

“You are healed! Throw your right crutch over the curtain.” Her right crutch clattered over the curtain. “Now throw your left crutch over the curtain.” The left crutch followed.

Thunderous “Amens!” echoed all over the tent.

“Johnny Jones, you are healed of your lisp.  Call out to us in a loud, clear voice so all can hear!” demanded the evangelist!

“Mithuth Thmith just fell on her ath!”

Including link: https://letstalkguild.com/

“Favorite Church Bulletin Bloopers 

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery down stairs.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Evening massage – 6 p.m.

Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

A song fest was hell at the church on Wednesday.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his private study.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Missionary from Africa Bertha Belch speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa”.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals”.

Our church youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. After communion, we will sing “Crown Him With Many Crows.”” https://letstalkguild.com/ltg/index.php?threads/church-bulletin-bloopers.212004/#:~:text=Favorite%20Church%20Bulletin,With%20Many%20Crows.%E2%80%9D

Liar! Liar!

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him “Hey-come over hear buddy”. The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks”Were you talking to me”? The horse replies”Sure was, man I’ve got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I’m sick of it. Why don’t you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I’ll make you some money cause I can still run.” The jogger thought to himself,”boy a talking horse” Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer”Hey man I’ll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you’ve got in the field”. The farmer replies”Son you can’t believe anything that horse says-He’s never even been to Kentucky.

THE GOAT

Two guys were hiking in the woods and decided to have lunch at one of the picnic grounds along trail. They discovered a big hole at the edge of the picnic area and wondered how deep it was. So they decided to drop in a pebble and listen for it to hit bottom. They dropped in a pebble and nothing happened. No noise. They dropped in a boulder and there was still no noise. They decided to scout around for something really big to drop in the hole and came across a railroad tie. They pushed and pulled it over to the hole and dropped it in. Still no noise.

Suddenly a goat ran out of the woods and jumped into the hole. 

As they were packing up their lunch, a farmer came by and asked if they had seen his goat. They said the only goat they had seen that day had been running in the woods and had come out and jumped into the hole.

The farmer said, ‘It couldn’t have been my goat. He was tied to a railroad tie!’

Traffic Joke Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? “Ma’am,” the officer replies, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour! “The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time, “the officer asks. Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Paint Job

A woman calls a Contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house. She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green. The contractor writes something down on his notepad, goes over to the window and yells down “green side up”. The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored. The contractor again notes it on his note pad, goes over to the window and opens it. He then yells down “green side up”. The woman was curious, but continued to show him the rest of the house. In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window “green side up”. When the homeowner had completed the tour, she asked the contractor why he always yelled “green side up” when she told him her color choice, when the colors were all different. He laughed and replied I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod.