Fine – I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
That’s Okay – One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you’ll pay for your mistake.
Nothing – The calm before the storm. This means “Something” and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with “Nothing” usually end with “Fine” (See #1).
Five Minutes – If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don’t be mad about this. It’s the same definition for you when it’s your turn to do some chores around the house.)
Thanks – A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, “You’re welcome,” and let it go.
Loud Sigh – Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about “Nothing.” (See #3)
Go Ahead – This is a dare, not permission. (Don’t Do It!)
Don’t worry about it, I got it – The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see #3.)
Differences Between Man and Women
Names
If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara. If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
Eating Out
When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back. When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Money
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs. A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.
Bathrooms
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6. The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
Arguments
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Cats
Women love cats. Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
Future
A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.
Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife. A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
Dressing Up
A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Natural
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed. Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
Children
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Thought for the Day
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet? Right now the cops have nothing to go on…
Q: How are bodybuilders and plumbers alike? A: They both love pumping iron.
Q: What’s the one thing professional poker players and plumbers can agree on? A: A royal flush is better than a full house.
A plumber is the only guy I know who can take a leak and fix one too!
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves………?
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”
A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .
There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn’t latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.
First, the wild rabbit takes the lab rabbit to a field of lettuce and the two munch on lettuce to their hearts’ content.
Wild rabbit then says “Let me take you to an even better field” and heads to a field of carrots where they munch contentedly on all the carrots they want.
Then wild rabbit says “Now let me take you to the best field of all” and takes lab rabbit to a field full of female rabbits. The rabbits enter the field and (you know what they say about rabbits) proceed to have sex all night long.
At dawn the rabbits are exhausted and content and lab rabbit announces “Well, I’m heading back to the lab”
Wild rabbit says “Why??!!? I showed you the field of lettuce, the field of carrots and the field where you can have as much sex as you want!”
Lab rabbit says “Yeah, that was all great, but I’m dying for a cigarette
The Rabbit
A man with a hunting dog lived next door to a woman with a rabbit hutch in her backyard.
One day, he came home to find his dog with the rabbit in its’ mouth, dead. The man was horrified but knew his dog would be sent away if the neighbors thought it was a danger to other pets. So he took the rabbits’ body, cleaned it off and placed it back in the hutch to make it appear as though the animal died of natural causes.
The next week, he saw the neighbors’ husband return home and started up a conversation. “How is everything?”
“Not good” said the neighbor- “My wife’s still in the hospital. She’s suffered a tremendous shock.”
“Oh no,” said the first man- “What happened?”
“Her rabbit passed away” said the husband.
“That’s terrible!” said the man. “I knew she loved him very much. She must’ve been heartbroken!”
“Well,” said the husband “at first I thought she was doing OK. But then a couple days after we buried the rabbit someone dug it back up and put it back in the damn cage!”
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
NUMBER THREE:
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
He asked the farmer, “what’s up with these chickens?”
The farmer said, “Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I’m going to be a millionaire.”
The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, “don’t know, haven’t caught one yet.”
NUMBER FIVE:
Psychiatrist: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: I think I’m a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I came out of my shell.
NUMBER SIX:
Q: What do you call a scary chicken?
A: A poultrygeist.
NUMBER SEVEN:
A man runs to the psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The psychiatrist asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the psychiatrist.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
NUMBER EIGHT:
NUMBER ONE:
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
A man runs to the psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The psychiatrist asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the psychiatrist.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
NUMBER EIGHT:
NUMBER ONE:
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
A man runs to the psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The psychiatrist asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the psychiatrist.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
NUMBER EIGHT:
NUMBER ONE:
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
A man runs to the psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The psychiatrist asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the psychiatrist.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
NUMBER EIGHT:
NUMBER ONE:
Q: Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
A: She was no spring chicken.
NUMBER TWO:
A librarian was very sad and alone in the library one day as there was no one around for her to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching “bouk bouk.” The librarian once again jumped up and gave each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then for the third time the chickens returned screeching “bouk bouk”, but this time being suspicious the librarian gave each chicken only one book and explained that they could only borrow more books once that had returned the others. As the chickens left the librarian slowly followed behind to see where all the chickens and the books were going. The chickens came to a stop by a pond and started throwing the books into the water. Appalled the librarian ran forward to tell them to stop but she suddenly noticed there were some frogs in the pond grabbing the books and throwing them back croaking behind “red-it… red-it”.
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
NUMBER FOUR:
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So, he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
An elderly couple were attending a church service. About halfway through the wife leans over to her husband and says, “I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
Job interview:
A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss. The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?” The man says, “I’m probably too honest.” The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.” The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”
There are three signs of old age. The first is loss of memory. I forget the other two.
Question: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night? Answer: It keeps them from rolling out of bed!
A father and his young son are walking deep in the woods at night with a lantern and a shovel. The son says, “Dad it’s creepy out here, I’m scared”. The father replies, “You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk back alone!”.
I used to love building sandcastles with my granny… But my parents thought it was creepy so they glued the urn shut.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral? Nothing.
I asked if I could leave work early the other day, and the boss said, “yes, if I made up the time.” I said, “sure, it’s twenty past fourteen.”
Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? He took a day off.
A man walks into a bar, and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.
He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.
“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.” He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?” The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!” *Nobody stands up*
Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students here!” *Little Johnny stands up* Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny, you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No, I just feel bad that you’re standing alone.”
Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!
Phil walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be honest with you. I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three companies after me, and I’d like to ask for a raise, respectfully.” After a few minutes of haggling, the boss finally agrees to give him a 5 percent raise, and he happily gets up to leave. “By the way,” the boss asks as Phil leaves his office, “which three companies are after you?” Phil replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”
Do you know what they say about a clean desk? It’s a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
I phoned a call center today, and it said all the advisors were engaged. I was delighted for them, but my fridge is still broken.
Why did you leave your last job? The company relocated and didn’t tell m
1. Snail with an attitude A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
2. A genie and an idiot Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’
3. True love lasts forever It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
4. Off to work A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’
5. Oooh Heaven is a place on earth Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’
6. The Devil’s in the details A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
7. Kid vs barber A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
8. You’re one in a million China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
9. Racing a bear Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’
10. All in a night’s work A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says, “Paint my house.”
(This was ranked #1): A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual” he replied.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6. The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
Nutsrok 