joke

Blonde Joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square – and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

“Here it is”, she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

A blonde driving down the road sees another blonde in the middle of a field rowing a boat. The blonde driver pulls over and rolls down her window. She asks the girl in the boat what she is doing. The blonde in the boat replies, “I’m rowing my boat.” The driver says, “You’re such an idiot! Rowing a boat in the middle of a field?! It’s blondes like you that give us a bad name. If I could swim, I’d go out there and kick you ass right now!”

A blonde and a brunette jump of a cliff at exactly the same time. Which one is first to die?

The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions…

Also as a bonus:
Whats brown and sticky?

Puke

As I walked in my first grade classroom in December 1956,  I  wondered what all the excitement in the back of the room was about. The kids were buzzing around a mushy, malodorous pile of paper towels on the floor.  “What happened?

“Belinda puked!”  Jody giggled and pointed.

“What’s puke?”  I was glad someone else asked because I didn’t know either. It sounded like a bad word and Mother had so far prevented me from hearing as many bad words as I would have liked..  Jamey Alston picked up the corner of the towel and revealing a puddle of puke, educating me and several others.  Nancy Pearson walked in just in time to puke when she saw it.

Everyone but Belinda and Nancy thought it was hilarious.  The teacher shooed us out so the janitor could clean it up before someone else wanted to know what puke was.  What a great day!  I learned a very useful word and the class got an extra recess.  I also learned I didn’t want to be a janitor, my first taste of career conseling.

Most days at school were all right.  I loved recess and lunch, but they didn’t last long enough.  Sometimes the classes got boring and I daydreamed.  Miss Angie said I was a scatterbrain, meaning that I didn’t pay attention, drew pictures in class, lost my homework, and chattered to my friends. She even said I could make straight A’s if I only tried. I was so pleased since it was certainly all true! I thought scatterbrained was good till she sent a note home.  Daddy and Mother didn’t agree that scatterbrained sounded good and explained it in a way I couldn’t confuse!

Trouble always seemed to be looking for me.  How was I supposed to know what I wasn’t supposed to say in class?  My teacher, Miss Angie’s face got red when I told her, “My mother said she wouldn’t take her dog to see Dr. Lewis!”

Putting her hand on her hip and snapped at me, “I’ll have you know my daddy is a very good doctor!”  Then she made me stand at the blackboard with my nose in a chalk ring.  I got in trouble again when I got home and told Mother how mean Miss Angie was to me.  After that, Mother called one of the other mothers and told her she wouldn’t be able to help with the class Christmas party the next day because the baby was sick.  The baby didn’t look sick to me, but it seemed like a good time to practice to keep my mouth shut.

Jokes

A Guy is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

“Oi. You can’t do that! I saw what you have there. You’ve got a mudcrab in the boot. It isn’t mudcrab season. I’ll fine you!!”

Paddy says, “No way mate. It isn’t what it looks like. This mudcrab is my pet. His name is Marty. Everyday I take him down here for a swim. I’ll show you.”

So he took the mudcrab and put it in the water. The mudcrab scuttled away and disappeared.

“Well, where is he?” asked the ranger.

“Where’s what?”

A woman who is feeling very ill goes to the doctor. 
After a long examination, the doctor says “You seem to have a very serious disease, and I don’t think I can do anything to save you. I give you no more than one week to live” 
The woman, desperate, begs him “Are you really sure there isn’t any drug that can help me ?” 
The doctor thinks for a minute and says “Well, ok, you can try taking mud baths 5 times a day” 
The woman, with a big smile and a new hope says “Ok, that seems feasible. Are you sure that can cure my disease ?” 
The doctor answers “Oh no, that won’t cure you, but at least you’ll get used to being in the earth.”

So Fred has accidentally cut off John’s ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John’s ear.

“Help me find it in all this mud,” said John. “If we find it they can sew it back on.”

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, “Here it is”, handing the ear to John.
“That’s not it,” said John, throwing the ear back in the muddy ditch. “Mine had a pencil behind it.”

There was a ventriloquist traveling in the countryside

He performed at county fairs and would go from town to town in his old van. One day while in the middle of nowhere, his car broke down miles away from the nearest town. He started walking to the town to see if he could get help with his car. 

Along the road came a farmer riding a buggy pulled by a horse. As he got close enough, the farmer says “hey there, where are you going?”

“I’m going to the town. My car broke down and I’m trying to get some help fixing it” says the ventriloquist. 

“I saw the car and figured its owner would be around here somewhere” says the farmer. “Get on, I’ll take you to my home as it’s getting late and we’re still miles away from the town. I’ll take you there tomorrow”

The ventriloquist gets on and they go on their way. As they ride, they start having a conversation. 

“I’m just a farmer, I live out here with my animals. My horse, pigs, chickens, goat. What do you do?” asks the farmer. 

“I’m a veterinarian” says the ventriloquist. “I have a special gift, I can talk to animals and that helps me understand what’s wrong with them.”

The farmer is in disbelief. “Ain’t no way you can talk to animals! Can you talk to my horse? What does he have to say about me?”

The ventriloquist says “Sure enough. Talk to me horse, let your owner hear what you have to say. What do you think about him?” The ventriloquist, using his ventriloquism, makes the horse talk. “He’s a good owner neighhh, he feeeds me and treats me well brrr”. 

The farmer is incredulous. He cannot believe what he just heard. They get to his house and immediately goes and grabs a pig. “What does this pig have to say?” asks the farmer. 

“My master is a good master oink, he makes sure my mud is always fresh oink”

The farmer is in shock! As he takes the pig away, he turns around and looks at the ventriloquist and says “Feel free to make yourself at home, and talk to the animals all you want. Except for the goat, she’s a liar, don’t believe a thing she says!”

Kathleen the Cutie

Kathleen Swain

This is my cute little ninety-six yea-old-mother. She still lives in her home with a good bit of support. She’s as good-natured as she looks. Quite a few men in her neighborhood have shown interest in her. She says there’s nothing wrong with men, except the keep breathing in and breathing out.

Drinking Jokes


A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the drunk man and says, ”I’m sorry sir, but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink.” The guy swears and walks out of the bar.

Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer. Again the bartender says, ”I’m sorry, sir…but I can’t serve you…you’ve already had too much to drink!”

Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer. Again, the bartender says to the man… ”I’m really sorry, sir, but you’ve had too much to drink…you’re going to have to leave!”  The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, “My God, man… How many bars do you work at?!”

My girlfriend told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

 I thought, That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.

sake of it

The past, present, and future walk into a bar…It was tense.

Free Drink

A neutron walks into a bar and asks “How much for a whisky ?”
And the Bartender replies, “For you, No charge!”

A blind man….

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.

Posted 

Two guys were fishing from a boat in a pond.  One of them saw a floating bottle and picked it up.  When he pulled out the cork a genie emerged from the bottle.

“Oh, thank you, thank you,” said the genie.  “I’ve been trapped in that bottle for years.  I’m going to grant you one wish as a reward for releasing me.”

One of the men said, “Can you change all the water in this pond to Beer?”

“You’ve got it.”  said the genie as he vanished.

Both of the men dipped their cups into the pond for a taste.  Sure enough, it was an excellent Belgian style lager.

The second man said, “Way to go, big guy!  You realize that from now on we have to pee into the boat?”

My Favorite Joke

The crowds had been packing the traveling “tent revival” every night that week, grateful offerings filling the pockets of the evangelist. Cure after cure was enacted in the sweltering heat of those July evenings. Emotions were at an all time high on the last night as the last two afflicted souls reached the evangelist at the front of the tent..

Struggling up the steps on her crutches poor Mrs. Smith hobbled up to the evangelist. “Heal me! I haven’t been able to walk without crutches in twenty years.”

“Yes, Sister! You will be healed! Go behind the screen and wait with the others sinners. I’ll get to you all at one time.

Johnny Jones was the last in line. “I have a lifth. It hath made my life awful. Pleath heal me of my lifth!”

“Yes, Brother!  You will be healed!  Go behind the curtain with all the others and you will all be healed at once.”

The evangelist offered up a long, heartfelt prayer for healing.  Weeping could be heard all over the tent.  Finally, he concluded, calling out dramatically.  “Mrs. Smith, you haven’t been able to walk without crutches for twenty years, have you?”to

“No, Lord!” she replied from behind the curtain.

“You are healed! Throw your right crutch over the curtain.” Her right crutch clattered over the curtain. “Now throw your left crutch over the curtain.” The left crutch followed.

Thunderous “Amens!” echoed all over the tent.

“Johnny Jones, you are healed of your lisp.  Call out to us in a loud, clear voice so all can hear!” demanded the evangelist!

“Mithuth Thmith just fell on her ath!”

Jokes

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“Give me the good news,” said the patient.

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on whether the light bulb has health insurance!

You might be a E.R. doctor if …

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You say to yourself “great veins” when looking at complete strangers.
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there!”
Your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front lawn.

A seven-year-old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor today.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother sighed nervously. “Tell me exactly what happened, darling.”

“Oh, not much. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

A man comes to the doctor desperate for relief from chronic migraine headaches. When the doctor takes a look at his medical history, he discovers that his poor patient has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. “Listen,” says the doctor. “I have migraines, too … and I’m going to give you some personal advice. There are no clinical studies to back this up, but this is what I do for my own migraines, and it works for me. When I feel a migraine coming on, I go home, take a nice hot bath and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand … especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex … and this almost always cures my headache. Give it a try and come back in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a huge grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a really nice house.”

An elderly woman walks into a plastic surgeon’s office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says “Well, we have three options. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years.”

The old lady says “Well tell me about the various procedures.”

The doctor says, “For $1000 I can take a few years off and smooth out your wrinkles, but you’ll need to have the procedure repeated year.”

“Forget that one,” she says. “What about the other options?”

“For $3000,” the surgeon explains, “I can do a much better job. I can take twenty years off your face, but you’ll still need a touch up every three years or so.”

“No, that’s no good either,” the woman complains. “What about the last option?”

“For $5000,” the doctor replies, “you are going to get the best facelift modern medicine has to offer, with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery technology. I’ll attach a screw to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, you can come back in and I’ll tighten the screw.”

The old lady is delighted and has the surgery, but about 6 months later she returns to the office very upset. “Doctor, I want my money back!” she cries. “I look horrible! Look at these bags under my eyes!”The doctor leans back in his chair and says, “Lady, you aren’t getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep turning that screw you’re gonna have a mustache.

Doctor Jokes

“Doctor, doctor!  Come quick. Little Johnny just swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”

“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me!  I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Uh oh!  Do you drink a lot?”
“I try, but I spill most of it!”

“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are five minutes apart!”
“Calm down.  Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

Including link: https://letstalkguild.com/

“Favorite Church Bulletin Bloopers 

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery down stairs.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Evening massage – 6 p.m.

Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

A song fest was hell at the church on Wednesday.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his private study.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Missionary from Africa Bertha Belch speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa”.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals”.

Our church youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. After communion, we will sing “Crown Him With Many Crows.”” https://letstalkguild.com/ltg/index.php?threads/church-bulletin-bloopers.212004/#:~:text=Favorite%20Church%20Bulletin,With%20Many%20Crows.%E2%80%9D