joke

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And the More Sisters You Have….

Can’t Be Sure

Bob was driving home on a moonlit night. As he rounded the curve in the darkness on a quiet road, flashing lights, flares, and police officers came in view beside an overturned car. When he tried to pull over, the officer tried wave to wave him on.

“Move on, Buddy. No rubbernecking,” said the officer.

“But officer, that looks just like my my buddy Joe’s car.” answered Bob.

“”Oh yeah, “ said the officer. “

Then you might be able to help us out. We haven’t found an ID yet, but I have to warn you, the guy is dead. It’s actually worse than that. He’s decapitated. You need to think about it first. It might be too much for you.”

Bob was horrified, but didn’t want to look unmanly in front of the officers. “I can do this,” he thought.

Screwing up his courage, he replied. “I’m ready. Take me over.”

The officer led him a short distance away where a bloody body had been thrown from the car and piled into a tree. In the dark, some distance away lay a head. The officer asked, “ Is this your friend?”

Bob took a long look.”Well, that’s the way Joe had his hair cut.” Taking a closer look, he said, “and Joe’s got a gold tooth like that with a star in it, but I still can’t be sure.”

Picking up the head, he held it up in the moonlight to get a better look. “It sure looks like Joe, but I don’t remember him being this tall.”

One Small Thing

The snake had some questions for God about his latest creation.

“What’s this?” Snake.

“its a man.” God

“What are these two round things?” Snake

“Those are eyes, so they can see my other creations” God

“and these things?” Snake

“They’re called hands, so they can create things just like i did” God

“and these?” Snake

“Those are feet. The four toes will help man balace when he walks.” God

“”Can I add just one thing, big toe for the furniture?” Snake

“ what is furniture? God

“trust me, it will be hilarious” Snake

All’s Fair

A trucker stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to dig in, three bikers stomped in.

One stared him down, grabbed his cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker’s coffee, and the third gobbled down his pie. The truck driver didn’t say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?”

“He’s not much of a driver, either,” the waitress replied. “He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles.”

Nurse Jokes

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxver says, “No shots for me.”

The nurse told the new parents of a newborn. “You have a cute baby.” The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the parents.” “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband again asked, “So what do you say to the others?”

“He looks just like you.”

Looking for Jesus

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the River.

He staggered into the water and stood next to the Preacher.
The minister noticed the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher… I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not, Preacher?”
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God man,have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher… “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

Here boy!

Paddy is extremely upset when his dog runs away. 

His wife says to him “Paddy, why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”

Paddy thinks that this is a great idea so he proceeds to do so.

Paddy hasn’t heard anything back from the ad in weeks when his wife asks him “What did you you put in the ad for our missing dog Paddy?”

“Here boy!”

Here, Boy!!

A woman walks into a psychoanalyst’s office and says, “Doctor, my husband thinks he’s a dog! Please help.”

The doctor pats the couch., “Okay, Buddy, hop up here.”

The woman quickly snapped back, “Oh no, he’s not allowed on the couch!”

Cannibals Capture Three Men

Cannibals capture three men and tell them they will be skinned and eaten their skin used to make canoes. Each is given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and he is poisoned.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man’s turn. He asks for a fork.

The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.

As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, “To hell with your canoes!”