A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.” God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”
joke
Dodged a Bullet
Jasper wakes up with a killer hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Darling, breakfast is on the table. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He staggers to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Mike.”he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home pickled and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
Precious Memories
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park
bench crying his eyes out. I stopped to ask him what was wrong.
He sobbed, “I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every
morning ,then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee.’
I continued, ‘Well, then why in the world are you crying?’
He went on, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite
biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest
of the afternoon.’
“So why are you crying?’ I asked again.
He said, ‘For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favourite dessert and then we cuddle until I go to sleep.”
I inquired, ‘Well then, why in the world would you be crying?’
He wailed, ‘I can’t remember where I live.’
Bad, Good,better
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Alaskan man answered his door to find two long-faced Alaska State Troopers.
“We’re sorry Mr.Jones, but we have some information about your wife,” said one trooper.
“Tell me! Tell me! Did you find her?” Jones shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Dreading what was coming, an anxious Mr.Jones said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the Bay.”
“Oh my God!” exclaimed Jones. Stammering, he asked, “what’s the good news?”
The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her. In all fairness, you are entitled to a share in the catch.”
Outraged, Mr. Jones demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?”
The trooper said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
My Favorite Joke
The crowds had been packing the traveling “tent revival” every night that week, grateful offerings filling the pockets of the evangelist. Cure after cure was enacted in the sweltering heat of those July evenings. Emotions were at an all time high on the last night as the last two afflicted souls reached the evangelist at the front of the tent..
Struggling up the steps on her crutches poor Mrs. Smith hobbled up to the evangelist. “Heal me! I haven’t been able to walk without crutches in twenty years.”
“Yes, Sister! You will be healed! Go behind the screen and wait with the others sinners. I’ll get to you all at one time.
Johnny Jones was the last in line. “I have a lifth. It hath made my life awful. Pleath heal me of my lifth!”
“Yes, Brother! You will be healed! Go behind the curtain with all the others and you will all be healed at once.”
The evangelist offered up a long, heartfelt prayer for healing. Weeping could be heard all over the tent. Finally, he concluded, calling out dramatically. “Mrs. Smith, you haven’t been able to walk without crutches for twenty years, have you?”
“No, Lord!” she replied from behind the curtain.
“You are healed! Throw your right crutch over the curtain.” Her right crutch clattered over the curtain. “Now throw your left crutch over the curtain.” The left crutch followed.
Thunderous “Amens!” echoed all over the tent.
“Johnny Jones, you are healed of your lisp. Call out to us in a loud, clear voice so all can hear!” demanded the evangelist!
“Mithuth Thmith just fell on her ath!”
Terrible Dad Joke
A bear enters a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a………… pint of beer please.”
The bartender asks, impatiently, “Why the big pause?”
The bear replies, “Well, I’ve always had em!”
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was soda pressing.
What did the full glass say to the empty glass?
“You look drunk.What’s a potato’s favorite form of transportation?”
“Gravy train.”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, they just waved.
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
To them… love means NOTHING!
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C.
Joke of the Day
A blonde was waiting for her bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn’t!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him “How dare you touch me!! I don’t even know who you are!”
At this, the big guy drawled, “Well ma’am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!”
26 Responses Actually Given in Court
Actual Court Sayings! 
30 things people actually said in court
Question 1.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Question 2.
Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.
Question 3.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory1
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
Question 4.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years
Question 5.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A My name is Susan.
Question 6.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximatly milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Question 7.
Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Question 8.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Question 9.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.
Question 10.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes
Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Question 11.
Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?
Question 12.
Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?
Question 13.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Question 14.
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Question 15.
Q: Did he kill you?
Question 16.
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
Question 17.
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Question 18.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Question 19.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at the time?
Question 20.
Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: none.
Q: Were there any girls?
Question 21.
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Question 22.
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Question 23.
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Question 24.
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Question 25.
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?
Question 26.
Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Question 27.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral
Question 28.
Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Question 29.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Question 30.
Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Doctor Jokes
“Doctor, doctor! Come quick. Little Johnny just swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me! I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Uh oh! Do you drink a lot?”
“I try, but I spill most of it!”
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are five minutes apart!”
“Calm down. Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
Nutsrok 