An industrious farmer was always experimenting with breeding, his mission was to produce the perfect turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.
After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store. ‘Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!’ They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
‘I don’t know, ‘said the farmer, ‘I never could catch one!”
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
… She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, “When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’
And then the fight started…
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
That’s how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started.
50 Terrible, Short Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh On Demand
1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Read this: 50 Terrible Children’s Jokes Guaranteed To Crack You Up
23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.
27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.
49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it. TC mark
Jane saw a long, thin stick hanging among the vines. “Can I try swinging from that?” she asked Tarzan.
“You can try,” replied Tarzan. “But trust me, it won’t work.”
So Jane grabbed the stick. Then, much to Tarzan’s amazement, Jane was swinging from the stick just as well as he had ever swung from a vine!
When Jane came back, Tarzan was shocked. “I’ve tried to swing from that thing my whole life!” he said. “But it’s impossible! And you managed it on the first try! How did you do it?”
Jane rolled her eyes. “Typical. I start dating a guy I like, and it turns out he can’t drive a stick.”
He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.
The man asked his son, “Son, what did you do after school today?”
The son replied, “Oh, I just did some homework” and the robot slapped the son.
The son said, “Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends”.
The father asked, “What was the movie?”
The son said, “Star Wars, Episode 5”. The robot slapped the son. The son stammered “Okay it was Showgirls”.
The father laughed, “Ugh, I would never watch movies like that”. The robot slapped the dad.
The mom laughed, “He certainly is your son”. The robot slapped the mom.
Man gets pulled over by the police.
“Sir have you been drinking?”
“Yes. 7 beers, 5 shots of tequila and about 4 glasses of wine.”
“I’m going to ask you to take this breathalizer test.”
“What! You don’t believe me?”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s really good – I haven’t got any kids!”
A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!
Friend: “How did she marry you?”
Billionaire: “I lied about my age!”
Friend: “You said 45?”
Billionaire: “No! I told her I was 90”
The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!”
No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!”
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a ‘drop dead’ gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.”
One day, a black bear walks into a bar…
The bear begins to get some strange looks, but he was use to this being a black bear and all.
Everyone in the bar was acting a little strange around him, but then he sat at the bar and the bartender began to serve him.
Bartender: Ummm…So what can I get you?
Bear: Let me get a shot of………………….. whiskey.
Bartender: Sure, but what’s up with the big pause?
Bear: I get them from my dad.
Two friends are out hiking, and they see a black bear on the trail in front of them
One guy takes off his pack, takes off his hiking boots, and puts on running shoes.
His friend says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun that bear!”
The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!”
So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others
“I’m the greatest bear hunter there ever was,” immediately 2 of the 3 friends disagree and say in unison,
“No way I am!!”
They continue arguing until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says,
“I have never been bear hunting, maybe we should all go to see whose best at it?”
The friends agree, go home for the night and the next day they all get in a truck and drive deep into the forest.
While they are driving one friend turns to the bear hunting novice and says,
“When hunting a bear be very quiet. If it sees you, you have two options.” he said,
“You either draw yourself up and get big and tall to scare it or you run. If you run, it will chase you until you get to safety or
until it catches you, whichever comes first.” his friend concluded.
The man noted this and they got to the cabin they had rented for the hunting trip, they set up and search around for hours scouting for bears, but they find none.
Disappointed they head back to camp and fell asleep. When the men awoke they noticed that the bear hunting novice was gone so they get up to look for him outside. They start to call his name but no answer, they grab their guns and walk a little till they hear the sound of running feet.
The novice is running at full speed towards the cabin with a giant black bear behind him, the other 3 friends pull him into the cabin and shoot the bear dead,
the friends all curious and angry with the novice hunter asked,
“What the hell were you doing?”
And finally after the novice catches his breath he says,
“Hunting! Now stay here, I’m gonna have a drink of water, and I’ll go get us another one!”
An ancient prospector came down from the hills and tied his scruffy old donkey in front of the saloon.
A smart alek young cowboy came bursting out the door, waving his six gun, firing at the old guy’s feet, shouting, “Dance! Dance!”
The old man danced and dodged shots till he counted six shots. Then he went over to his donkey, got his shotgun , pointed it at the cowboy and asked, ” Have you ever kissed a donkey right square in the ass?”
“No sir” said the cowboy. “But I always wanted to!”
Gary was out and about one day doing errands or some such and drove past a Amish store. Everyone knows the Amish make good cheese and Gary decided to go back and get some good Amish cheese. When he drove in there were a few horse and buggy rigs tied up here and there. Gary gets out of his truck and starts into the store. There is an Amish man with a shovel scooping up horse poop and putting it in a bucket. Gary says to the man “what are you going to do with that…” and the Amish man answers him that he is going to put it on his strawberries. Gary says ” put it on your strawberries…!!!” and the Amish man says ” yah… put it on my strawberries… it is very good on strawberries, what do you put on your strawberries” and Gary says… ” we put whipped cream on our strawberries.
Gary loads up a couple of cows to take to the sale barn one morning and gets hit by a Semi truck on the way to the sale barn…the Highway Patrol officer arrives on the scene of the accident and hollers… “hey! this cow over here is badly hurt”…”BOOOM” shoots the cow and states… “I put the poor thing out of it’s misery”… the officer then hurries on over to Gary and asks Gary…”Are you hurt?” Gary says…”no,no! I’m just fine,not hurt at all”….
It has been 10 months since we shared a Friday Funny, due to a lack of good material. Special thanks to Ed Jowers, Emeritus Jackson County Extension Director for sending this funny story to share:
Photo Credit: Scott Sommerdorf
Scientists at NASA built a special cannon to launch standard 6-pound, whole dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
Engineers working on the Bullet Train project heard about the cannon and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a cannon was sent to the Bullet Train engineers.
The engineers were excited to see the results of years of hard work and planning. They set up the experiment and even invited several government officials to attend that had championed the funding of this project. They had a grand ceremony with a countdown. The speedy bullet train roared down the test track at over 200 mph and the engineers fired the chicken cannon.
After the canon was fired, the engineers stood in shock as they viewed in horror at the damage. The shatterproof glass was smashed to smithereens, there was a huge hole in the control console, the driver’s seat had the head rest blown off, and the chicken embedded into the back wall of the train engine’s cabin.
Luckily this was an unmanned test, so no one was hurt except for the pride of the engineers. It was as if they were little boys who broke their prize Christmas present. That chicken trashed their modern marvel.
Immediately the engineers began assessing the damages, took numerous photos and measurements and sent a full report, along with their pages of scientific designs to engineers at NASA. The desperate engineers were totally dumbfounded and asked for an explanation of what could have possibly gone wrong? Their email to the head engineer at NASA said, “Please help us understand how to resolve this issue. We followed all standard protocols and double checked every safety precaution prior to the test with the chicken cannon!”
In just a few minutes, the Bullet Train engineers were shocked by the rapid response. The head engineer at NASA responded with just one short line in bold, all capital letters:
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
“Daddy,” a little boy asked his father. “How much does it cost to get married?”
“I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”
Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
I do what I get paid to do.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
“What men know about women.”
What do you call a womanwho works as hard as a man?
Lazy.
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I can’t reach my licenseunless you hold my beer.
What is the differencebetween a sofa and a manwatching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.
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Wayzom3.wordpress.com
Stories from a cemetery researcher, pipeline wife, amateur farmer & mom!
Empowering our People
having fun since 1995.
"Creative Insights for Designers & Digital Artists
Emmitt Owens
Let’s fix it
Finding Meaning in Modern Life
Real motherhood. Real fun. Real life with two wild boys.
Exploring biblical promises and their fulfillment in Israel and the Middle East.
Online hookup services
POETRY RANDOM THOUGHTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT...
Nutsrok 