joke

Rules for a Happy Marriage

Once X asked Y, “What is the secret behind your happy married life?”

Y said, “You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems.”

X asked, “Can you explain?”

Y said, “In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other’s decisions.”

Still not convinced, X asked Y “Give me some examples”

Y said, “Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it”

X asked, “Then what is your role?”

Y said, “My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these”.

Life’s Achievements

Life’s Achievements!
Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:

At age 4, success is not peeing your pants
At age 16, success is “gettin’ a little”
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding

At age 35, success is about career and family

At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings
At age 65, success is “gettin’ a little”
At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!

Give Us This Day

imageColonel Sanders called the Pope up one day and said, “You’ve got to help me out.  Chicken sales are way down.  I’ll pay you $10 million to change the Lord’s Prayer  to give us this day our Daily Chicken.”

The Pope said,”I can’t do that.  We can’t just change the Lord’s Prayer!”

The Colonel let it go but was back begging a few days later, “Your imminence, please help!  I’ll donate $50 million to the church!”

“Absolutely not!” Answered the Pope.  “The Lord’s Word is not for sale!”

A month or two later the Colonel was back.” Your imminence.  Please help!  All you have to do is change the Lord’s Prayer to give us our Daily Chicken.  It’s not that big of a deal.  Can’t you help me out for a $100 Million donation to the church?

“Well,” said the Pope.” That’s too great a donation for me to turn down without speaking to my advisors.  Let me speak to them and get back to you.”

When he spoke to the Cardinals, he said, “We’ve been offered a huge donation, but it’s not all good news.  It’s going to cost us the Wonder Bread Account.”

Joke of the Day

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers

. “Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

Swinging in a Waterfall

Joke

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

‘We’re going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we’ll hire.’

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

‘Well,’ said he, ‘you’ve both got nine out of ten, but I’m giving Mick the job.’

‘Why’s that?’ asked Pat.

‘Well,’ said the manager, ‘you both got the same question wrong but he had

‘I don’t know this’ and you had ‘Neither do I!’.

joke of the day

Best Bar in The World
The first says: “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The second then starts: “That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink.”

Then the third pipes up. “You think that’s good? Where I come from, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” say the other two. “That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?” “No,” replies their friend, “but it happened to my sister!”

Evening Chuckle

Following the death of Quasimodo, the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post. The Bishop declared,

” My Son, you have no arms!”

” No matter” replied the man.

He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one in the crowd asked

” Bishop, who was this man?”

..wait for it…

wait for it…..

..” I don’t know his name” replied the Bishop sadly,

” But his face rings a bell.”

WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer. The first man to approach addressed him, “Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless man who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace my brother.” The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs……

“What has happened? Who is this man? ” they cried.

” I don’t know his name” exclaimed the distraught Bishop,………

wait for it…….

wait for it…….

wait for it ………

” I don’t know his name…………but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

Joke of the Day

A man at the bar picked up a ringing cell phone.  “Honey, I want to put an offer on that house.  They’ve just reduced it to $600,000 and I think we can get it if we make an offer now.”

He answered. “Sure, go ahead.”

“And that Range Rover I’ve been wanting?”

“It’s yours.  Call the man!  And while you’re out, stop by the jewelry store and get yourself something really nice.  How about that bracelet you’ve been wanting?”

“Oh Honey!  You’re the best!”

He hung up the phone and turned around.  “Does anybody know whose phone this is?”

Dewin Nefol’s Joke

To leave you with a smile… an acquaintance was present at the local church the other Sunday morning on a bright and sunny day, and had opportunity to chat with the clergyman who remarked on the number of new faces in the congregation. Unsure of who was who, he asked my friend, ‘Was that Fanny Green sitting in the front pew?’ To which my friend cheekily replied, ‘No vicar, it was just the way light was shining through the stained glass window’ :D