Roy Rogers bought himself a new pair of boots. They were a little tight, so he rubbed them up with snake oil to soften them up a little. They smelled so bad, Dale wouldn’t have them in the house. Roy put them out on the back porch overnight to air out a little. The next morning when he went out to get them, he found them all chewed up and ripped to shreds. Then he noticed mountain lion tracks all around the place. He went back in the house to get his gun and vowed not to come back without the mountain lion that had ruined his new boots. In a few hours he came back home with the mountain lion draped over Trigger’s back behind him. Dale saw him coming up with the lion hanging over his horse and starting singing, “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your two shoes?”
joke
Woman Joke
Wanted to give equal time so I put in a woman Joke
Cats
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They’re totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They’re moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They’re tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
Men!
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn’t come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
Joke
A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, “Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?” The wife replies, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.” With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
Joke
Joe, a one-armed guy strolled in to the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but Bill the Barber told him, “Joe, I’ve got several in line ahead of you, but I’ve got Johnny, a new barber startin’ iffen your willin’ to give’em a try.”
“Well, I reckon that’d be alright,” Joe grumbled.
Johnny got to work on Joe, but since it was his first day, he was a little nervous. He nicked Joe a few times and snipped his ear with the scissors. Trying a little conversation to cover his nerves, he asked Joe, “Do you come in here often?”
“Naw, I lost this arm in a saw-mill accident, twenty years ago,” snapped Joe.
Gipsika’s Jokes
Paddy has had a glass eye for ages. One day, his best friend, who is a neurosurgeon, tells him of a new procedure of transplanting eyes. Paddy is very excited about this; and the wait for a donor begins, but the list is long.
One day Paddy is driving along the winding country road when a red Ferrari zooms past him at breakneck speed. Paddy, a bit unnerved, hits the brakes but recovers quite quickly and continues on his way. Two turns further he comes across the same Ferrari totalled against a tree. He stops and gets out to take a closer look, and realizes the driver is dead.
After recovering from his initial shock, Paddy remembers his friend the surgeon and the procedure. He looks around, but it is Sunday and the road is really deserted, so he quickly takes out his pocket knife, carefully removes the guy’s eye, wraps it in his clean hanky, and for good measure, takes out his glass eye and pops it into the dead man’s eyesocket. Even the shade corresponds – they won’t know. He pockets the live eye and makes off to hospital as fast as he dares to drive, alerting his friend en route.
The neurosurgeon is waiting for him at the door, and he is instantly wheeled in and prepared for theatre. Two hours later he comes too but his eyes have been blindfolded. His friend the doctor informs him that the blindfold will come off the next morning, but that the eye must rest for now.
The next morning comes, and they remove the blindfold. It’s like magic! The eye works! Paddy for the first time in many years enjoys binocular vision. He easily completes the exercises his surgeon friend gives him to test the eye’s functionality, and everything is operational. The doctor tells him that he needs to read something to check if he gets migraines, and hands him that morning’s paper. Paddy browses through it until he finds this headline:
“Police flummoxed. Driver with two glass eyes dies crashing his car.”
Little boy goes to school for his first time. The teacher asks the child in front of him: “What’s your name, little girl?”
“Jenny.”
“Welcome, Jenny! And you, little boy?” (the kid on Jenny’s right.)
“Paul.”
“Welcome, Paul! And what about you?”
The little boy answers, “Wagonwheel.”
The teacher is not amused. “You know, if an adult asks you a decent question, you should give a decent answer! Now, what is your name?”
“Wagonwheel,” repeats Wagonwheel bravely.
The teacher is very angry. He gives Wagonwheel a spanking. “See, children, what you get for disrespect?” And he sends Wagonwheel home.
Wagonwheel’s little brother comes running the moment he comes home.
“How was school? How was school?”
Wagonwheel shakes his head sadly.
“Ooh, you’re gonna be in for it, Chickenshit.”
Another Joke
Two tough boys came to stay with their uncle who was going to “straighten them out. The first night at supper, Uncle Joe asked, “Johnny, what would you like?”
“Gimme some o’ that there G– D— chicken.”
Whomp! Uncle Joe knocked him up beside the head.
“Now, what do you want, George?”
George looked at him big-eyed. “Well, you can bet your sweet ass I don’t want none o’ that G– D— chicken!”
Joke
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Response from Gipsika
Poor ol’ Paddy o’Brien was found lying in the meadows out cold, with a broken bronze statuette next to him that had clearly been used to bash his lights out.
The local paper reported the first known case of a knick-knack Paddy whack.
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