joke

Who keeps saying those things? Joke

Who keeps saying those things?

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say “You’re a handsome man!” The man looked around, but still couldn’t see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again “What a stud you are!” The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said “Oh, it’s the nuts–they’re complimentary.”

 

Nympho Joke

far side

A woman visited the psychiatrist.  “I think I’m a nymphomaniac.”

“Well,” said the psychiatrist.  “Before we start, I have to tell you my fee is eighty dollars an hour.”

“How much for all night?”  she asked.

Joke

A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… Continue reading →

Drive On

image

John was too lazy to work his farm.  His family would have starved if the neighbors hadn’t brought them something to eat.  Finally, a group of the neighboring farmers collected up and decided if John was too sorry to support his family, maybe they ought to just hang him.

They had him loaded up on a wagon to haul to the gallows when Charley felt guilty and spoke up. “We can’t just hang a man for being too sorry to work.  I’ll give him a wagon load of corn to get his family through the winter and he can make a fresh start next spring.  How about that John?”

“Is it shucked?” asked John.

“Well, no.”  said Charlie.

“Drive on.” said John.

Dumb Laws

 
 

Dumb California Laws

  • Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
  • Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
  • Bathhouses are against the law.
  • It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
  • Women may not drive in a house coat.
  • No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
  • Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
  • In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

    Arcadia

  • Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

    Alhambra

  • You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

    Baldwin Park

  • Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

    Belvedere

  • City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.”

    Blythe

  • You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

    Burlingame

  • It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

    Carmel

  • Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
  • Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

    Chico

  • Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

    Downey

  • It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

    Hollywood

  • It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

    Lafayette

  • You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

    Lodi

  • It is illegal to own or sell “Silly String”.

    Lompoc

  • It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

    Long Beach

  • Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
  • It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

    Los Angeles

  • It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
  • You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
  • You may not hunt moths under a street light.
  • It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
  • Toads may not be licked.
  • It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
  • Zoot suits are prohibited.

    Ontario

  • Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

    Pacific Grove

  • Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

    Palm Springs

  • It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

    Pasadena

  • It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

    Prunedale

  • Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

    Redlands

  • Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

    Riverside

  • One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.

    San Diego

  • It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
  • The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

    San Francisco

  • Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
  • It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.
  • Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street.
  • It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

    San Jose

  • It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

    Santa Monica

  • You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

    Temecula

  • Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

Uh Oh!

image

Mrs. Smith complained to her doctor that her husband had lost all interest in sex.  The doctor gave her an experimental pill, instructing her to crush it in his drink when they had dinner.  When she came back the next time. He asked her how it worked.

“Oh just great!  Before we even finished dinner, he swept all the dishes off the table breaking them, ripped my clothes off, and ravished me right there on the table.  It was amazing!”

“Oh no!” said the doctor.  “That’s way too strong.  The foundation will pay all the damages!”

“Don’t bother.” said Mrs. Smith.  “We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”

Let the Punishment Fit the Crime

CindyThree guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the Continue reading →

Joke

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, “God,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?”.

God replied, “Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell.”

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling “God, God, they’re gone, they’re gone!”

“Who, the New Yorkers?”.

“No, the Pearly Gates.”

Irish Drinking Joke

IrishAn Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”