John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.”

Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”

So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired.”

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “Jessica, shut your mouth!” pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”

Jessica replied, “only when he’s drunk.”

Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man, “Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town.” The old man says, “We’re from Nebraska.” Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, “What did he say, papa?” The old man answers her, “He asked us where we are from.” “Oh,” replies the old woman. The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that’s all done, the attendant tells the old man, “You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska.” The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, “What did he say, papa?” The husband replies, “He thinks he knows you, mama.”

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn’t eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge’s closing statement he asked the man, “I would like Continue reading →

A drunk staggers into the confessional in the Catholic Church. sits down and goes to sleep.  The priest on the other side of the screen waits a minute knocks, waits, then knocks again.

“There ain’t no point knocking no more,” said the drunk. “there still ain’t no toilet paper”

Don’t read this one if you are sensitive!

The old fart went to the doctor.  “I’m afraid I have bad news for you.  You don’t have too long to live.”

“Well, give it to me straight, Doc.  I can take it!”

“Ten.”

“Ten. Ten what?  Ten years?  Ten months?”

“Nine.”

The young fella walked in fom the country wearing only one shoe.

“Oh, I see you lost a shoe.”  Said the first guy he met.

“No, I found one!” said the country boy.