joke

Joke

A hiker falling off a cliff a grabbed a tree on his way down but was unable to climb back up.  He dangled hundreds of feet above the canyon floor below.  As the tree roots started to pull away from the wall of the cliff, he screamed.  “Help! Is there anyone up there?  Somebody help me, please!”

A loud voice boomed, ” Do not be afraid! Turn loose my son, I will save you!”

Timidly, the hiker asked, “Who is that?”

“It’s the Lord!”

“Help! Help!  Is anyone else up there?”

Joke

Joe walked into a bar and saw a tiny little man sitting on the end of the bar playing his heart out on a perfectly scaled miniature grand  piano.  “Barkeeper, where did he come from?”

The barkeeper pointed toward a lamp sitting on the bar.  ” I rubbed this lamp.  A genii came out and gave him to me.”

“Let me give it a try!”  Joe rubbed the lamp and a genii appeared before him.

“What is your desire? You get one and only one wish”

Without hesitation, Joe asked for a million bucks.  The genii disappeared back into the lamp as the room filled with ducks.  They overflowed out into the street as far as the eye could see.

Horrified, Joe said, “What the Hell?  I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not a million ducks.  Is that genii deaf?”

“Yep,” replied the bartender.  “How else do you think I would have gotten stuck with this 12 inch pianist?”

Joke

A young lady came into the bank to deposit a huge bag of quarters.

“Oh my! Have you been hoarding quarters?” asked the cashier.

“I whored about half, I guess.  My sister whored the rest,”

Joke!

The guide dog led his blind master directly through a green light out into the traffic of a busy intersection.  Horns honked.  Cars crashed into each other all around him.  A good Samaritan ran out into traffic and snatched him to safety.  The blind gentleman reached into his pocket for a treat.  “Good boy.  Good boy.  Here’s a treat!”  He patted the air, feeling for his dog’s head. Continue reading →

Talking Dog (Joke)

A guy walks past a pet store. There is a sign in the window that says TALKING DOG FOR SALE.

The guy doesn’t believe it, but is curious, so he goes into the store and walks up the the talking dog and says “Hello”. The dog says “Hey. How you doin’?”

The guy says “Wow! You can really talk!” The dog says “Yep. That’s right” The guy says “What is it like being a talking dog?”

The dog says “Well, I’ve lived a very full life. I rescued Avalanche victims in The Alps. I worked as a drug sniffing dog for the FBI, and now I read to people in an old folks home five days a week.”

The guy is just blown away. He turns to the owner of the pet shop and says “Why in the world would you sell a dog like this???”

The pet show owner says “Because he’s a damn liar! He never did ANY of those things.”

Joke

The new preacher was making his way through the community visiting prospects. Stopping by a beautifully groomed farm, he admired the immaculate fences, freshly painted barn, and pastoral fields.

“Well sir!  You and the Good Lord certainly have done a wonderful job with this farm!”

“Thanks, but you you should have seen it when the Good Lord had it by himself.”

Happy Anniversary! (Joke)

John had his head down on his crossed arms and was crying his eyes out when Mary came down on the morning of their twenty-fifth anniversary.

“What’s the matter, dear?”

“I was just thinking.  Do you remember, twenty-five years ago today, when we were going  together, how young and beautiful you were, and how madly in love we were?”

“Of course.”  She smiled at the sweet memory.

“Do you remember how your daddy came down and caught us on the couch and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter tonight, or you’re going to jail?’ ”

“How could I ever forget that?”

“Well, I’d have gotten out tomorrow!”

Rough Day (Joke)

The funeral procession was making its way down the icy street when it hit a bad patch, spun in circles, hit a curb, and the back door flew open.  The coffin came flying out, crashed through the front of a drug store, and slid along the counter where it stopped right in front of the poor horrified soda jerk who was struggling through his Continue reading →

I’m Cold, I’m Cold (Joke)

Two old friends were spending their evening idling their time away, drinking in the graveyard, as they were fond of doing.

One of them drifted off to sleep as the other stumbled and fell into an open grave.  All was well for a while till the fellow in the grave sobered up a little and called out to his sleeping friend above.  Continue reading →