joke

Three of the Deadlies

Tragically, three pastors and their wives were killed in a crash on the way home from a conference.  They found themselves standing before Saint Peter.  Saint Peter addressed the first pastor as he looked in his book.

“Well, I see here you lived a pretty good life.  You worked hard for your church.  You were faithful, but there’s one thing I need to look into further.  Your love of money got in your way.  In fact, you loved money so much you even married a woman named Penny.  Just have a seat over there while I do a little more checking.”

The second pastor came forward.  Saint Peter addressed him.  “You were a faithful pastor.  You served well except for one flaw.  Your love of alcohol caused you some problems.  You loved alcohol so much, you even married a woman named Sherry.  Have a seat over there while I do some balancing.”

The third pastor turned to his wife.  “Come on Fanny.  There’s no use in us even getting in line.”

May I say a word?

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, “Plethora.” The widow smiles appreciatively. “Thank you,” she says. “That means a lot.” Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a word too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “Bargain.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that means a great deal.” Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Earth.” The widow replies, “Thank you, that means the world.” Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Being alive.” The widow replies, “Thank you, he would have liked that.” Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Infinity” . The widow replies, “Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine.” Like Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Fhqwhgads”. The widow replies: “Thanks, you don’t know what that means.” Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.” Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “water pit”. The widow replies: “Thanks, I know you mean well.”

Good Ones!

Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa…Little Johnny is at the breakfast bar trying, with great difficulty, to remove the foil lid from a little tub of yoghurt…“Stupid f……… lid !” he says…Mom looks to Dad and says “I wonder where he gets that from ?”…Dad replies “Well out of the f……….fridge of course ya stupid b……….

Another…Sean says to Paddy…“Ere, Paddy, how come them scuba divers always fall backwards off the boat ?”…Paddy replies…“Well if they fell off frontwards, they’d still be on the bloody boat !”…

Another…Little Johnny returns home from school early…Dad asks “Why are you home so early ?”…Johnny explains…”Well we were having ‘maths’ class and the teacher asked “Who can tell me what 2 ×3 is ?”, an’ I put up my hand and said 6″…“Yeah, well that’s right” says Dad…“And then she asked me “And can you tell me what 3×2 is ?” “Dad says “It’s the same f……….thing ! ““Thats what I said” says Johnny “and she sent me home !”…

Revenge Joke

Betty Smith called John Jones saying, “I have proof my husband and your wife are having an affair and I am good and mad.  We need to meet at a motel and get some revenge.”

He agreed.  They got a room and set about getting revenge.  He was about to catch a nap when she shook his shoulder and said, “I’m still mad.  Let’s get some more revenge.”

They got more revenge.  As he got ready to leave, she complained.  “I’m still mad.  I need more revenge.”

John Jones was a forgiving man.  “Good Lord, woman, I ain’t never seen no one to hold a grudge like you. Let it go.  I ain’t got no more hard feelings.”

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

  1. Fine – I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
  2. That’s Okay – One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you’ll pay for your mistake.
  3. Nothing – The calm before the storm. This means “Something” and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with “Nothing” usually end with “Fine” (See #1).
  4. Five Minutes – If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don’t be mad about this. It’s the same definition for you when it’s your turn to do some chores around the house.)
  5. Thanks – A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, “You’re welcome,” and let it go.
  6. Loud Sigh – Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about “Nothing.” (See #3)
  7. Go Ahead – This is a dare, not permission. (Don’t Do It!)
  8. Don’t worry about it, I got it – The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see #3.)

Differences Between Man and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara. If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back. When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs. A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.

Bathrooms

JOKES - Differences Between Men and Woman A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6. The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

Women love cats. Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Future

A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife. A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed. Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

Burglar Jokes

A burglar broke into our house last night…

I didn’t fight back, I just put the red laser dot on his forehead

The three cats di the rest.

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I’ve translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.

When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, 

“Please untie her, please, let her go!”

The thief responds with,

“No, I’m not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don’t worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration”

The man yet again pleads,

“Please, just untie her, I’ll do anything!”

The burglar once again explains his reasoning,

“I need to get away with this crime, I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything up to chance.”

The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,

“I’m begging you man, just let her go, she won’t call the cops, I promise!”

The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.

“Wow,” he said “You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately”

“No,” The man replied, in a state of frenzy 

A masked burglar goes in to a bank

He goes to the teller, points a gun to her face and says “This is a robbery! If anybody moves or tries any funny business, they get shot!”
The teller then reaches over the counter and grabs the mask, revealing the face of the burglar.
The burglar says “you’ve seen my face!” and shoots her dead. He then says “has anyone else seen my face?!?”
A man with his head down yells out “I haven’t seen your face, but I think my wife, beside me here, may have gotten a glimpse”.

Three burglars are running from the police

They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes “meow”, “just cats” he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes ” meow” so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack and the burglar says “potatoes”.

Best of the Morning Funnies

one
one 2
one 3
one 4
one 5

money
money
money

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

“Daddy,” a little boy asked his father. “How much does it cost to get married?”

“I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”

Talent does what it can, genius what it must.

I do what I get paid to do.

girl,bikini:5

What is the thinnest book in the world?

“What men know about women.”

What do you call a womanwho works as hard as a man?

Lazy.

policeman,shield

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can’t reach my licenseunless you hold my beer.

What is the differencebetween a sofa and a manwatching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

Penguin jokes

What do penguins sing at their birthday parties?

Freeze a jolly good fellow.

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How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together.

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Where does a penguin keep all his money?

In the snow bank.

 

The other day a police officer pulls over a man driving a bus over and walks on up to the side windows and he sees 20 penguins in there.

The officer questions the man “sir, are these your penguins?”

The man replies “yep, they are my pet penguins”

The officer then says “sir, I am going to need you to take those penguins to the zoo immediately!”

The man says “ok” to the officer and he drives off towards the zoo.

The following day the officer pulls over the same bus and is shocked to see the same 20 penguins inside all wearing sunglasses.

The officer looks sternly at the driver and says “I thought I ordered you to take these penguins to the zoo?”

The man replies “I did, and today we are all going to the beach!”

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A local bartender was working late one friday night when a patron comes running through the door.

Patron: “HELP! I need to know how tall a penguin is!”

The bartender puts out his hand and says “probably this tall”

The patron looks terribly concerned and he says “Oh no! I think I just ran over a nun!” 

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A penguin walks into a chemist and requests to purchase a pack of condoms. 

The chemist asks him “Would you like me to put that on your bill?”

The penguin replies “I’m not that kind of penguin”

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What is black and white and goes around and around?

A penguin who is stuck in a revolving door.

 

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What is a penguins favourite food to have for dinner?

Iceburgers.

 

 

 

What do Penguins like to wear on the heads?

Ice caps.

 

 

 

Why do penguins always come first when they race other animals?

Because they are peng-wins!

 

 

 

Why is it so hard to write a book on penguins?

Because they always squirm, are kind of slippery and writing a book on paper is much easier.

 

 

 

Why is it best for 2 penguins who are stuck in a nest to always be nice and respectful to one another?

They don’t want to fall out.

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Who is every penguin’s favourite musical artists?

Seal. They also enjoy sole music.

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Navigating Life with Seniors: Lessons Learned

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imageI wonder if I do a lot of “old person” stuff? It’s probably one of those things your kid would have to tell you. Let me explain. After we went to the grocery store, I took Mother to Gateway to pick up her car. She took her small bag of groceries with her and went in to pay and get her keys while I waited in the lot off to the side, To be sure everything worked out okay. I knew I should have gone in with her. A few minutes later, she pulled behind me, blocking me and two other drivers. As the other drivers honked, Mother left her car in the drive and came over to talk to me.

“They just had to fix the front brakes. The back ones were fine! It only cost one hundred twenty-one dollars.” She was beaming.

“That’s great, but you need to move your car. People are honking!”

“Well they’re just gonna have to wait. I have to get my groceries.” She replied, huffily.

“Mother, you already put your bag in the car.”

“Oh, I forgot. Anyway, I had to tell you everything was okay.”

Annoyed at my nerve, she got in her car, pulled out and cut it too short, running over the curb as she pulled out.

About fifteen minutes after I got home, I got a call, “Could you see if I left my phone in your car. I can’t find it, anywhere.”

She had.