A piece of yarn enters a bar all alone and tries to order a drink. The bartender snarls, “We don’t serve your kind here!”. The yarn is forced to leave. While sitting outside the bar and feeling all alone, the yarn suddenly comes up with a brilliant idea. Working quickly, he ties himself into a knot and unravels the ends. Taking a deep breath, the yarn boldly walks back into the bar and orders a beer instead. “Hey!” says the bartender. “Ain’t you that piece of yarn I just threw outta here?” “Nope,” replies the yarn, “I’m a frayed knot.”
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window…… “Pullover”!! “No,” she shouts back, “a pair of socks!”
The doctor told me to get more fiber, so I went to the local yarn store after work.
An old lady walked into a butcher’s shop and shouted at the butcher. “That leg of lamb you sold me last week, shrunk by six inches when I cooked it” “That’s funny” said the butcher “My missis knitted me a jumper, and when she washed it, it shrunk by six inches” “Must have been from the same sheep”
Local police hunting the ‘knitting-needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
A grandmother sat on her porch knitting three socks when someone walked by and asked, Why are you knitting three socks? The grandmother replied: Because my grandson said hes grown a foot since joining the Army.
A woman walks into a yarn store and asks for a length of wool yarn. The shopkeeper asks,”How long do you need it?” The lady, new to the hobby of crochet, thought it over, then responded, “I guess I’ll need it for a pretty long time. I’m going to make a sweater!”
How can you tell when you’ve had too much coffee? When you’ve just finished knitting your third sweater in a week, and you don’t even know *how* to knit!
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, Mommy, I have to pee. The mother said to the little boy, Its not appropriate to say the word pee in church. So, from now on whenever you have to pee just tell me that you have to whisper. The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, Daddy, I have to whisper. The father looked at him and said, Okay, just whisper in my ear.
Bob was a very keen angler, but he eventually found time to meet a lovely girl and they were married. After the honeymoon, Bob was in his garage sorting out reels when his new wife came in to watch him.
After a long period of silence she finally said: “Darling, I’ve just been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don’t need to spend so much of your time out here in your garage and you could think about selling some of your fishing stuff … like do you need all those rods, lures, old reel parts and smelly nets. You could sell that tatty boat and with the money we could have a new bathroom.”
A horrified look crept over Bob’s face and silently stared at her. She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
He replied, “Nothing … but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!?” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”
Bob replied, “I wasn’t…”
Two fishing mates
Bill and Pete are fishing together. Pete is unusually quiet and lost in thought.
“What’s up Pete” asks Bill.
“The wife and I had a row about how much time I spent fishing. She hasn’t spoken to me for days since. I’m thinking of getting a divorce.”
“Don’t be too hasty,” replied Bill. “Women like that are hard to find.”
Heavenly Fishing
Two buddies were fishing together.
“Do you think you can go fishing in Heaven?” asked Bill.
“I don’t know” said Joe, “but here’s an idea – the first of us that gets there should let the other one know.”
A few months passed and Bill dropped dead with a sudden heart attack. Joe carried on going fishing on his own and one day he heard a voice,
“Helloooooo Joe.”
“Who’s that?”
“It’s Bill. You can’t see me, but I can see you.”
“Bill, tell me” said Joe, “can you go fishing in heaven?”
“Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we can fish every day if we like. The bad news is that you are fishing in our competition tomorrow.”
Who can relate to this?
One Liners from the Edinburgh Fringe
“Our mate Dave was drowned. For the funeral we have a wreath made in the shape of a lifebelt. It’s what he would have wanted.”
“Have you heard about the French existentialist seagull? It flies around and says (squeaky voice) “pourquoi?”
Bad Weather Fishing
Very early one Saturday morning a man gets up early, dresses quietly so as not to wake his wife, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the 4×4. Coming out of his garage he finds the rain is pouring down: it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it is going to be very bad weather all day long, so he puts his 4×4 back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible”. To which she sleepily replies, “Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?”
The Fishing Priest
Father Michael was an avid fisherman, and whenever he was not fulfilling his priestly duties he would be out on the lough. One summer (2008) there had been weeks of stormy weather and he hadn’t been able to go fishing at all. He was desperate. One morning, the day dawned calm and mild: he could go. But – it was Sunday! He was supposed to be taking Mass in the church. “I know”, he thought. “I’ll pretend I have the ‘flu and Father O’Leary can take Mass for me. I’ll drive 50 miles to a river where I am not known, and have my day’s fishing.”
So that is what he did. However, he could not hide from God. One of the angels spotted him, and immediately snitched on him to God. God peered through the clouds and frowned.
“Are you going to punish him?” asked the angel. God nodded. The angel watched, expecting Father Michael to step in a wasp’s nest or fall in the river. Suddenly, Father Michael struck into a massive fish, and after a lengthy struggle the fish was on the bank. It was a huge salmon, almost certainly a record.
“But…I thought you were going to punish him?” asked the angel.
“I did,” said God. “Now who can he tell?”
Obituary
Doreen’s husband Matt died suddenly one day. Doreen was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Matt’s obituary to read.
Doreen asked the undertaker, “How much does an obituary cost?” The undertaker replied, “One dollar per word.” Doreen then said, “I want the obituary to read – MATT IS DEAD.” The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt’s and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, “I’ll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I’ll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket.” Doreen’s face lit up and she replied, “Great. I want it to read – MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE.”
Looking for a laugh? Wrap you noodle around these tasteful Chinese food jokes!
🤣
Beano Jokes Team
Last Updated: August 19th 2024
Feeling peckish? Have a slurp of these soup-er Chinese food gags! If jokes about one of the world’s greatest cuisines isn’t your cup of tea, we’ve also got pasta jokes, bread jokes, fruit jokes, and even this epic unusual food quiz!
Ooh! And don’t forget to check out our main jokes page and have a go on the Great Joke Generator!
My cookie had no slip of paper on the inside…
It was unfortunate!
What did the cook say after making a stir fry at a playground?
It was a wok in a park!
Where do you buy noodle soup in bulk?
The stock market!
My sister bet me £1000 I couldn’t build a car out of noodles
You shoud’ve seen her face when I drove pasta!
Why did the block of tofu cross the road?
To prove it wasn’t chicken!
I suddenly realised tofu is overrated.
It just a curd to me!
Chinese food: £20. Delivery charge: £2
Forgetting part of the order? Riceless!
Saying no to dessert after a Chinese meal…
Will cost you a fortune!
How does Han Solo order Chinese food?
With an E-wok!
What do you call an easy lifestyle spent eating lots of Chinese food?
Lo Meintenance!
Elton John hates ordering Chinese food
Soy seems to be the hardest word!
A Chinese restaurant tried to charge me for 1000kg of food
They thought I’d ordered the one tonne soup!
Learing to cook Chinese food can be really difficult.
It takes a lot of wok!
What does the Easter Bunny order from the Chinese takeaway?
Hop Suey!
What do Italian chefs make in Chinese restaurants?
Ciao Mein!
Did you hear Kikkoman moved their factory to China?
They outsauced it!
What did the orange say on holiday?
Do you speak Mandarin?
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea?
Oolong time!
Did you hear about the man who burned down the dumpling factory?
A man says to his wife, “Grab your jacket I’m going to the pub.”
She asks, “Oh, are you taking me with you?”“No, I’m turning the heating off.”
Comic Sans, Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a pub. The landlord yells, “Get out! We don’t serve your type in here!”
I used to work in a pub next to a hospital and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins.I asked him how I could help and bizarrely he said, “Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 Jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila?It’s a free country so I start to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As I finished pouring all of the drinks he downed them in order and finished on the shots of tequila which he dispatched one at a time at a quick pace. He then looked at me really sad and said, “I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.” I said, “Why what have you got?” He said, “About £3.50.”
Bill BaileyPixie Pub
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, “Has my brother been in for a drink here today?”The barman looks at the penguin and says, “I’m not sure. What does he look like?”
I was in the pub when a guy called me a cheapskate. So I threw his drink in his face.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a cider and a mop, please.”
A polar bear walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, “£17, please.”The polar bear pays and takes a seat. Bemused, the barman approaches and says, “This is exciting, we don’t get many polar bears in here!” To which the polar bear replies, “I’m not surprised with beer at £17 a pint.”
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
Two German agents walk into a pub in London during WW2 and one of them said to the waiter, “Two martinis, please.”The barman asked, “Dry?” To which the customer replied, “Nein! Zwei!”
I tried to get a shipment of fire hydrants from the factory that makes ‘em, but I wasn’t allowed to stop anywhere near the place!
[Updated 12/29/19].
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, “I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?”
To which the trucker replied, “Sorry, can’t talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10-ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times.”
A genie comes out and says, “Thank you for releasing me, master. I will grant you one wish.”
The trucker thinks for a moment and says, “I would like my own personal, private, toll-free road from New York to California.”
The genie shakes his head and says, “There are far too many federal, state, and local regulations involved, that would be too difficult. Is there anything else you’d rather have?”
The trucker thinks for another minute and says “I wish my wife would stop nagging me.” The genie replies, “All right, how many lanes do you want for that road?”
On the last day of truck driving school Charlie is taking his test, and the examiner is asking him all kinds of questions.
The examiner asks “What would you do if your headlights went out?” and Charlie says “I’d have old Joe, my co-driver, shine a flashlight out the window so we could keep going.”
The examiner says “OK, but you shouldn’t rely on your partner to help you with problems. What if you’re backing up and the trailer starts to jack-knife, what would you do?” and Charlie says “Well, I’d have old Joe, my co-driver, hop out and help direct me.”
The examiner says “I guess that would help but you shouldn’t rely on your co-driver all the time.”
For his last question the examiner decides he’s going to give a question that no co-driver in the world can help with!
“Okay, now what do you do if you’re on a steep downhill grade, the road is really icy, your brakes are locked up, and at the bottom of the hill is a narrow bridge with a hazardous materials truck coming the other way at you?”
Charlie thinks a minute, and he says “Well, I’d reach over and shake old Joe awake because he ain’t never seen a wreck like we’re about to have!”
A garda was patrolling down O’Connell Streetin Dublin when he sees two fellas pissing up against the window of a shop. He parks the car and runs over to them.
He asks the first fella for his name and address. The man replies, ‘I’m Paddy O’Toole of no fixed abode.’
The Garda turns to the second fella and asks the same question.
He replies, ‘I’m Ben Riordain, and I live in the flat above Paddy!’”
Delirrrrrah
“Anto’s missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child.
When they arrived, the nurse asked, ‘How dilated is she, sir?’.
Anto replied, ‘Delighted? She’s over the fu*king moon!‘”
Ordering a pint
“‘Sorry, love, can I have a pint of Guinnessand a packet of crisps where you’re ready there’.
‘Oh. You must be Irish‘, she replied. The man was evidently offended and responded, ‘The cheek, just because I order a pint of Guinness you assume I’m Irish.
If I ordered a bowl of pasta would you that make me Italian?!’
‘No’ she replied. ‘But this is a newsagents…‘”
Feeling himself
“Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. ‘What’s the story?’ Paddy asks when he sees the look on Sheamus’s face.
‘I haven’t been feeling myself lately‘, Sheamus replied. ‘That’s good’ says Paddy. ‘Sure you’d be arrested for less!’”
Flies in a pint
This is one of the many Irish stereotype jokes that’s flying around, but unlike many it isn’t exactly offensive.
“An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each man’s freshly poured pint.
The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out.
The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out you little b*stard.””
Legal advice
“An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. ‘Marty’ he sighed, ‘Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?’‘Bollocks. Who told you that?’ asked Marty.”
Death by Guinness
It’s been doing the rounds on WhatsApp for a while, but hopefully it’ll give you a laugh.
“It was a cold Friday evening when the doorbell rang is Mrs Molloy’s house. When she answered the door, Pat Glynn, her husband’s manager at the brewery, was stood on the doorstep.
‘Pat. Hello. Where’s my husband? He should have been home from work 3 hours ago?’ The man sighed. ‘I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mrs Molloy, but there was an accident over in the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned’.
Ten shots, please
‘Oh my God’ she replied. ‘Please tell me it was quick?!’ ‘Well… no. It wasn’t. He climbed out 4 times to take a p*ss‘.”
“Ben walked into the local bar all a fluster and ordered seven shots of Irish whiskeyand a pint of Smwithicks. When the barman arrived back with the pint, all of the shots of whiskey had been drunk.
‘Ah here, you drank those very quickly‘ said the barman. ‘Well’ says Ben, ‘If you had what I had you’d drink them quickly, too’.
‘Shite’ replied the barman ‘What do you have?’ ‘A tenner’ replied Ben.”
1. DON’T BE ALARMED Q: Did you hear about the kid napping in the woods?
A: It’s okay. He woke up.
2. THANKS PASTOR A deer hunter asked his Pastor if it was a sin to hunt on Sunday. “From what I hear about your aim,” said the Pastor, “It’s a sin for you to hunt any time.”
3. TENT VS TOAD Q: Can a frog jump higher than an average tent?
A: Of course, an average tent can’t jump!
4. NEXT TIME SEND A SMOKE SIGNAL Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances. “What if we get lost?” says one of them. “Fire three time up in the air, every hour on the hour” says the other. “I saw it on TV.” Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three times up into the air every hour on the hour.
The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger. “Why didn’t you do what I said?” asked the hunter. “I did! I fired three times up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows.”
5. DOUBLE ENTENDRE Clean Camping JokesQ: What’s another name for a sleeping bag?
A: A nap sack
6. NATURES COLORS Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.
7. I’LL HAVE A NUMBER 2 Q: What do bears call campers in sleeping bags?
A: Soft Tacos
8. IT’S SIMPLE MATH Teacher: “If I gave you 2 tents and another 2 tents and another 2, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two tents, and another two tents and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two tents, and another two tents and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven!” Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!” Johnny: “Because I’ve already own a tent!”
9. NEW FRIENDSHIPS A spider was in my tent and my girlfriend told me to take it out instead of squashing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Related: Best Backpacking Sleeping Bag Under 100 Dollars
10. AN EGGCELLENT TIME OF YEAR Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love camping autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.Funny Camping Jokes clean
11. AWE SHUCKS Q: Why did the fish blush? A: Because it saw the lakes’s bottom.
12. AMEN Two guys are walking through a national park & they come across a bear that has not eaten for days.
The bear sees the two men, and starts chasing them.
They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this bear into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the bear is still chasing and he sees the bear on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the bear.
As he comes closer to the bear, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
13. DIY HEATER If you ever get cold while camping, just stand in the corner of a tent for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.
14. A BIT ONE SIDED Did you hear about the camper who broke his left leg and left arm? He’s all right now.
15. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they had six deer.
“The plane won’t carry six deer, you’ll have to leave two of them,” said the pilot.
Unwilling to leave their deer, the hunters said “We got six on the plane last year.”
After going back and forth for a few minutes, the pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest.
Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, “Any idea where we are?”
The second hunter said, “Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year.”
camping jokes clean 16. PACKING LIGHT Q: If you have 5 tents in one hand and 3 sleeping bags in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
17. A HIKERS EGO How many hikers does it take to hike Mount Everest? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, “man, I could do that!”
18. ANTICLIMACTIC Bob: “Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft deer stand.”
Jim: “Oh my God, are you okay?”
Bob: “Yeah it’s a good thing I fell off the first step.”
19. SNIFF SNIFF Q: What do you call a camper without a nose or a body?
A: Nobodynose.
20. MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL SOMEONE ELSE A man walks out of his tent one day and sees a fox in the tree in front of his campsite. Unsure of what to do, he calls animal control. About an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a taser.
The animal control employee tells the man, “I’m here to get the fox out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the fox is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to attack anything that falls from the tree.”
The man says “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the taser for?”
The animal control employee says, “Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the fox, shoot the dog.”
Related: Best Hammock Underquilt
21. NEXT TIME JUST SAY HEY Q: How do you make a one armed man fall out of a tree?
A: Wave.
22. THANKS FOR THE SUGGESTION A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!” The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the movies.”
23. GON’ FISHING Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
24. PRECIPITATION Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?
A. They make it rain!
25. SHOULDA STUCK TO THE BOOK A child goes to his father and asks, “Father, how do parents think of names for their children?” The father answers, “Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night.
When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?”
26. GOOD SIGNALcampfire jokes Q: How do trees access the internet?
A: They log in.
27. A HARSH REALITY One time an adventurer paddling on a northern river got cold and lit a fire in his boat, only to discover that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
28. NOT YOUR AVERAGE BEAR Q. what do you call a bear with no teeth
A. A gummy bear
29. THE RELIGIOUS SKUNKS Two skunks observed a deer hunter sneaking through the woods with a bow. “I hope he’s not going to get at us,” said one skunk. The second skunk bowed his head and said, “Let us spray.”
30. BAIT AND SWITCH Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.
31. HIDE THE PICNIC BASKET Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.
32. ROUGHING IT Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute as he looked around, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. Source: Getty.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says: “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says: “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.”
And the ostrich says: “I’ll have the same.”
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man.
“Same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.”
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer: “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
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“That’s brilliant!”says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks: “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses, and answers: “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
A young woman went to the doctor
A young woman said to her doctor: “You have to help me, I hurt all over.”
“What do you mean?” said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled: “Ow, that hurts!”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled: “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe. “Ow, even that hurts!”
The doctor took a second to examine the woman before standing back and making his decision.
“Ah yes, I know what it is,” he said. “You have a sprained finger.”
Two elderly women were driving in their car
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said: “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said: “Oh, am I driving?”
Nutsrok 