joke

Stupid Alcohol One-Liners Found on the Internet

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1. Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can’t get the straw in the hole you’ve had enough.
2. Alcohol doesn’t turn people into somebody they’re not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.
3. Life and beer are very similar …..chill for best results.
4. I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
5. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
6. If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
7. I don’t recycle because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.
8. I’m not an alcoholic alcoholics go to meetings, I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
9. Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean…… on tables, chairs & random people.
10. My body is not a temple…..it’s a distillery with legs.
11. No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
12. You say alcoholic, I’ll say alcohol enthusiast.
13. Take me drunk I’m home.
14. Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it.
15. When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt!
16. Dont drink and drive, it will spill everywhere
17. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
18. I’ve been told I’ve got A.D.H.D (Alcohol Drinking and Hangover Disorder)
19. It’s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
20. Alcohol is never the answer… But it does make you forget the question.
21 c A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
22. My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.
23. “Relationship” has 12 letters but then again so does “Time For Shots”
24. Confucious says, “Man who drink beer all day, have Wet Dreams all night”.

Joke of the Day

image50 Terrible, Short Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh On Demand

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.

17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.

22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

Read this: 50 Terrible Children’s Jokes Guaranteed To Crack You Up

23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.

25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.

26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.

27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”

30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.

34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.

44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.

45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.

47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.

49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it. TC mark

 

 

Start Your Day With the Best Fireman Jokes

Hunting

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was miserable and they hadn’t seen any deer all day. Finally they came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker.

After loosing a couple of hands, the probie threw down his cards and said “That does it! I am going out to get me a deer.”

Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and the chief asked, “How did you get that?”

The rookie replied, “I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck.” The captain then said, “I’ve had enough of this I am going to get my deer.” He came back a half hour later with a 6 point buck.

The chief asked, “How did you get that?” The captain then replied, I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck.

The chief not wanting to be out done said, “I’m out of here, I’m going to bag the biggest buck of the day.” He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and the captain asked, “What happened to you?”

The chief replied, “I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a TRAIN!

 

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says “Hey little boy. What are you doing?” The little boy says “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!” The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says.

“Thanks mister”, says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

“Little boy”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.”

The little boy says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”

 

 

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone’s amazement the little fire engine raced through the Chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old-timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!”

 

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back, “said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

The boss of a large company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the computer servers.

He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered on the first ring, “Hello?”

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”. “Yes.”, whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?”, the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”. “Yes.”, came the answer. “May I talk with her?”.

Again the small voice whispered, “No.” Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?”, the boss asked the child. “Yes”, whispered the child, “A policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”.

“No, he’s busy.”, whispered the child. “Busy doing what?”, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.”, came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”.

“A hello-copper.”, answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?” Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, “They’re looking for me!”

Accident Jokes

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident….

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer himup. While at the bar, he’s still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar. 

“No, she’ll never go for a man with a wooden eye,” the man says.

“Okay, how about that girl over there?” His friend responds. “She has a really big nose”.

The man walks over to the girl and asks, “Would you like to dance?”

Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses “Would, I?! Would I?!”

To which the man quickly responds “Big nose! Big nose!”

A woman is pregnant with twins when she gets into a car accident…

…she wakes up in the hospital and the doctor says her twins have already been delivered, a boy and a girl. But since she wasn’t around to name them, they had to ask her brother to give them legal names.

The woman was worried, because her brother was a bit of an idiot. “What did he name them?” she asked.

“He named the girl Denise,” the doctor said.

“Oh, that’s a nice name,” she said in relief. “What did he name the boy?”

“Denephew.”

A man and his wife die in a car accident

The man is greeted by Death. “Choose your game”, says Death, “win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die”.

As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man.

As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.

As the next hand is drawn, the man is starting to feel nervous. He notices deaths scythe propped against the wall and as death lifts his cards to look, he can see their full reflection in the scythe.

He starts winning, hand by hand, folding some, winning others, losing a few in between so death doesn’t cotton on to his method.

Slowly, but surely, he’s got death by the balls, a couple more hands and he’s won.

“You know, I don’t know how you’ve done it”, says Death, “but you’re actually going to beat me”.

Not this hand, thinks the man. He’s seen Death has a pair of Kings and he’s going to have to fold and wait for the next one.

“Good news from above too, seems like your wife has pulled through, she’s going to be alright.”

The man takes a moment, then says…

“All in”

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the moment of the accident, ‘I’m fine.'” asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…”

“I did not ask you for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?'”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.” 

The lawyer interrupted again and said “Judge, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.

“Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, ‘how are you feeling?’

Now what the heck would you say?”

More Old People Jokes

A ninety-six year old man went to the doctor.

“What’s the problem?” asked the doctor.

“I’m having trouble with my sex life.” said the old man.

Somewhat taken aback, the doctor asked., “How long has this been going on?”

“ First last night and then again this morning.”

LOOKING GOOD

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.

AT THE BAR THE OTHER NIGHT

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

THE RETIREMENT HOME

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked. 

He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies lying in the sun on the front lawn.

The director said, “Yes” and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.

Pig Joke

A guy’s driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he’s doing is he’s taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, “Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?” And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says, “What’s time to a pig?” —DOUG STANHOPE

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, “Excuse me, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “that pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig, and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids.”

“That’s amazing!” said the man, but why does the pig only have three legs?”

“Well, there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn’t. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren’t for that pig we would all be dead.”

“But still, that doesn’t explain why the pig only has 3 legs.”

“And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up a tree, but I was too far away to hear his cries for help. The pig ran to me and led me to where he was.”

“Well, that is a miracle, but how come that pig only has 3 legs?” the man said quite annoyed at this point.

“Well,” said the farmer, “with a pig that special… you don’t want to eat him all at once

Old People Joke

A 98 year old man and his 96 year old wife are sitting in a lawyer’s office glowering at each other.

“Why are you here?” the attorney asks.

“We want a divorce,” she says.  “We’ve hated each other for years,” her husband adds.

“Well, how long have you been married?” the attorney asks.

The wife replies, “Eighty years in June.”

“Well after eighty years of marriage why, at this late stage of the game, would you want a divorce?” the attorney asks.

The two exchange guilty glances and the husband responds, “We decided to wait until the children were dead.”

An elderly couple goes to their doctor for a checkup.

The man goes in first.

“How are you doing?” the doctor asks.

“Pretty good,” the old man answers.

“I’m eating well, and I’m still in control of my bowel and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good lord turns the light on for me.”

The doctor decides not to comment on the last statement and goes into the next room to check on the man’s wife.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

“I’m doing well,” the old woman answers.

“I still have lots of energy and I’m not feeling any pain.”

“That’s nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well,” the doctor says.

“One thing though – your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?”

”Oh, damn.” She replied. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

#1 

A perfect and punny name for a pet pig is Chris P Bacon.Report

#2

I read a story about pig anatomy. It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tail

#3

What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

#4 

What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.

#5 

What do you call a Spanish pig? Porque.

Aunt Ader’s Place Part 9

A visit to Aunt Julie’s house was wild times.  There were no rules, except one.  She needed her afternoon nap, so we had to lie down from one to three till she was done.  I thought two hours of enforced bed time would kill me, but we spent the time wisely, playing semi-quietly, tussling with puppies, kittens, turtles, frogs, or  lizards,  giggling, and building forts.  Eventually we’d get around to jumping on the bed and she’d be forced to quiet us with an expletive, a reward in itself since I never got to hear cursing or filthy talk at home.

Aunt Julie’s kids were feral children, with no fashion concerns, styling about in their underwear, or step-ins, as Aunt Julie called them. I embraced this style and would have been a faithful follower, had Mother not shown up and stuck her big nose in my business.

“Don’t you EVER pull that stunt again. (EVER was spoken through clenched teeth for emphasis.). You KNOW better”

i always hated knowing better.  “But Aunt Julie….”  She cut me off.

“You heard me.  Get in the house and get some clothes on right now.”  The breeze on my flat chest was just a memory now.  Sadly, I went for clothes.  Mother was such a downer.