- A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says “Uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
- It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
- Why don’t ants get sick?Because they have little antybodies.
- What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?Aye matey
- What happened when the pirate attempted to recite the alphabet?He got lost at ‘c’.
- How do you tell the gender of an ant?Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s buoyant.
- What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?Outlaws are wanted.
- What do you do if you get the bird flu? Tweetment.
- What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
- Just re-watched Benjamin Button, again. Never gets old.
- Why was the scarecrow awarded a Nobel prize?Because he was outstanding in his field.
- Hey Europe, you look like you’ve lost some POUNDS.
- What do you call Batman and Robin after a steamroller went over them?Flatman and Ribbon.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes?Fsssshhhhhh!
- Did you hear about that actress that stabbed herself? Reece…Witherspoon?No, it was with her knife!
- My friend Phillip had his lip removed last weekNow we just call him Phil
- What do you call a lion who is feeling dandy?A Dandelion.
- Where do bad rainbows go?Prism, it’s a light sentence.
- What do you call a haunted chicken?A poultry-geist
- Now matter how much you push the envelope,…… it’ll still be stationery.
- A man rushed into a Doctor’s surgery, shouting “help me please, I’m shrinking” The Doctor calmly said, “now settle down a bit”…..”you’ll just have to learn to be a little patient.
joke
Bear Jokes
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One day, a black bear walks into a bar…
The bear begins to get some strange looks, but he was use to this being a black bear and all.
Everyone in the bar was acting a little strange around him, but then he sat at the bar and the bartender began to serve him.
Bartender: Ummm…So what can I get you?
Bear: Let me get a shot of………………….. whiskey.
Bartender: Sure, but what’s up with the big pause?
Bear: I get them from my dad.
Two friends are out hiking, and they see a black bear on the trail in front of them
One guy takes off his pack, takes off his hiking boots, and puts on running shoes.
His friend says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun that bear!”
The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!”
So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others
“I’m the greatest bear hunter there ever was,” immediately 2 of the 3 friends disagree and say in unison,
“No way I am!!”
They continue arguing until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says,
“I have never been bear hunting, maybe we should all go to see whose best at it?”
The friends agree, go home for the night and the next day they all get in a truck and drive deep into the forest.
While they are driving one friend turns to the bear hunting novice and says,
“When hunting a bear be very quiet. If it sees you, you have two options.” he said,
“You either draw yourself up and get big and tall to scare it or you run. If you run, it will chase you until you get to safety or
until it catches you, whichever comes first.” his friend concluded.
The man noted this and they got to the cabin they had rented for the hunting trip, they set up and search around for hours scouting for bears, but they find none.
Disappointed they head back to camp and fell asleep. When the men awoke they noticed that the bear hunting novice was gone so they get up to look for him outside. They start to call his name but no answer, they grab their guns and walk a little till they hear the sound of running feet.
The novice is running at full speed towards the cabin with a giant black bear behind him, the other 3 friends pull him into the cabin and shoot the bear dead,
the friends all curious and angry with the novice hunter asked,
“What the hell were you doing?”
And finally after the novice catches his breath he says,
“Hunting! Now stay here, I’m gonna have a drink of water, and I’ll go get us another one!”Got an amusing bear joke or story? Would love to hear you tell the tale!
An American lawyer and his Czech brother-in-law are on a hunting vacation in Canada.
As they exit their tent, they run into a male and female bear in the middle of an intimate moment. Enraged at the interruption, the male bear roars, rears up, and with a sudden pounce, swallows the lawyer’s brother-in-law whole!
The American runs for help, calling out for their Canadian ranger guide, who shows up with his hunting rifle. The American points at the male bear and says “Quick! Shoot him, but be careful, my brother-in-law’s inside him!”
The ranger levels his hunting rifle, takes aim, and shoots the female bear dead! Startled by the shot, the male bear runs off.
The American falls to his knees, looking at the Canadian and asking “Why did you shoot the wrong bear?”
The ranger scoffs and says “Did you really expect me to believe a lawyer who tells me the Czech is in the male?”
Family/Relationship Jokes
A woman awoke excitedly on her birthday and announced enthusiastically to her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for my birthday! What do you think it means?”
With certainty in his voice, the man said “You’ll know tonight.”
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.
With anxious anticipation, the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”
_______
An old crippled man was just about as close to death as possible. His family of five–a beautiful wife and four children–stood around his deathbed awaiting the inevitable. Three of the children were tall, good-looking, and athletic, but the fourth and youngest was no doubt the ugly runt of the family.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispered, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if–“
The wife gently interrupted him, and said, “Yes, my dearest, absolutely … no question … I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man then died, happy that he had finally asked the question that had bothered him for so many years.
After the passing of the beloved husband, the wife sighed under her breath, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
_______
A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, “”Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, “How can that be?”
The man then pleaded, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Rabbi then said, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man anxiously replied, “Yes.”
“Take the poison,” said the Rabbi.
_______
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Sam looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”
They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.
“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name–leave it to me.”
Lester walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Lester says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”
Lester replies, “I’ll tell him.”
_______
One day, after a long time in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, “Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Adam?”, The Lord replies.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Adam?”, comes the reply from the heavens.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.”
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.”
“What’s a ‘woman’, Lord?”
“This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent, she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.”, replies the heavenly voice
“Sounds great.”
“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”
“How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?”, Adam replies.
“She’ll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear.”
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, “Uh, what can I get for a rib?”
_______
The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
_______
A man left work and headed home one Friday afternoon. However, being that it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday came and went, and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
_______
A man was called into his bank to discuss his accounts.
“Your finances are in terrible shape,” the banker stated. “Your checking account is
overdrawn, your loan is overdue.”
“Yes, I know.” said the man. “It’s my wife, she is out of control.”
“Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?” asked the
banker.
“Frankly,” replied the man with a deep sigh, “because I’d rather argue with you than
with her.”
_______
A well-known couple in the community had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. One day the husband was asked by a business acquaintance to what he attributed this remarkable success.
“It’s simple,” he said. “Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.”
“And you?” asked the business acquaintance.
The man replied, “I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on.”
_______
_______
Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his 5 kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked.
The children all stared back at him in silence.
Then he asked, “Who never talks back to mother?”
Again the kids appeared to be mystified by the question.
Then Tom asked, “Who does everything she says?”
With that question, the kids were finally able to come to a conclusion. The five small voices answered in unison, “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”
_______
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, “Les’ see now, there’s the twins, Sally and Billy, they’re eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they’re sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they’re fourteen.”
“Hold on!” said the census taker, “Did you get twins every time?”
The woman answered, “Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn’t get nothin’.”
Jokes
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?”
The hunter said, “Sure,” and headed for the car.
While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.” With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.
As he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!” a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted out, “I got his cow!”
A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.
A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.
“I would like a cup of coffee, please,” says the guy.
“And I’d like a can of beer, you ugly pig!” shouts the duck.
The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. But she is so shaken by the duck’s rudeness that she forgets the guy’s coffee.
When the stewardess comes back and gives the beer to the duck, the guy notices that she has forgotten his coffee. “Excuse me,” he says politely. “I ordered a cup of coffee, but you seem to have forgotten it.”
“Yea, you piece of s\*\*t!” yells the duck. “And bring me another beer, you stupid f\*\*king mule!”
The stewardess walks away, thinking about how the duck is swearing now. Once again, she remembers the beer but forgets the coffee.
When the stewardess comes back, the guy figures that if rudeness and swearing have gotten the duck what he wants, maybe it will also get him what he wants. “Listen, you dumb f\*\*king b\*\*ch”, he says. “Twice I’ve ordered a coffee, and twice you’ve forgotten my coffee. Now bring me my coffee, you fat cow!”
The stewardess loses her patience. She grabs the guy and the duck out of their seats. Then, with one powerful kick, she kicks open the emergency exit and throws the guy and the duck out of the plane.
As they are falling, the duck says to the guy, “You know, you have a pretty big mouth for a guy who can’t fly.”
Good Joke
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right every single time.”
Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
My doctor advised me for stress reduction to listen to opera music
He gave me a CD. I’ve been listening all night but I’m not sure if its actually having an effect. It says on the cover the guys name is Placebo Domingo.
Ok Jokes
A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, “Number twelve!” The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “Number four!” Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
The new guy asks his cellmate what’s going on. “Well,” says the older prisoner, “we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke.”
So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, “Number six!” There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t I get any laughs?”
“Well,” said the older man, “sometimes it’s not the joke, but how you tell it.”
funny jokes for the office
- What’s the best thing about teamwork?Someone else to blame.
- What kind of award does the world’s top dentist get? A little plaque.
- How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
- Why do I drink coffee? I like to do stupid things faster and with more energy.
- What’s it called when you steal somebody’s coffee? A mugging.
- What does a baby computer call his father?Data
- What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market? Start off with a big fortune.
- Why did the computer sneeze? It had a virus.
- How do you tell if an accountant is an extrovert? If he looks at your shoes when he talks to you instead of his own.
- What does a gossiping coffee do? Spill the beans.
- You know what can really ruin a Friday?Remembering it’s Thursday.
- What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga like in her coffee? Raw raw raw raw raw.
- Why can you never trust spiders? Because they post stuff on the web.
- What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer? The space bar.
- How does a coffee snob take their coffee?Seriously. Very seriously.
- How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that’s a hardware issue.
- Who wins in a fight between Sunday and Monday? Sunday, because Monday is a weekday.
- How do construction workers party? They raise the roof!
- What is the best way to criticize your boss?Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
Haircut Jokes
Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.
After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.
“How you like it?” asked the barber.
“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”
😄 😄 😄
Bad Hair Jokes One-Liners
I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.
Everyone looks surprised.
😄 😄 😄
I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.
I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.
😄 😄 😄
My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.
Cleanup was a breeze.
😄 😄 😄
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work, but get all the credit.
😄 😄 😄
Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales.
So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.
Who knew hair weighed so much?!
😄 😄 😄
Thought I saw my first super hero today. He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape.
Turns out, he hadn’t paid for his haircut.
😄 😄 😄
I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.
It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, “What the hell! I’ll treat her.”
😄 😄 😄
1. Two behaviorists meet each other in the street. “Hi,” says one, “How am I feeling today?”
Some time later, they have sex. The other one says, “That was good for you. How was it for me?”
2. Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, “Hello!”
The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, “God, I wonder what *that* was all about?”
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3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
4. How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.
5. “Doctor,” said the receptionist over the phone, “there’s a patient here who thinks he’s invisible.”
“Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
6. Pavlov’s dog to his ladyfriend: “See that! Everytime I salivate, Pavlov smiles and scribbles something in his notebook.”
7. At a job interview for a new receptionist:
“I see you used to be employed by a psychotherapist. Why did you leave?”
“Well, I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile; if I was early, I was anxious; and if I was on time, I was obsessional.”
8. Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
“What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer.
“Well,” said Johnny, “this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing great.”
“Is that so?” growled the customer. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.”
“Thanks. I’ll put it in my college fund,” Johnny replied.
“By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer.
“Applied psychology.”
9. A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.
As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed,
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“My God! Whoever did this really needs help!”
10. “After 12 years of therapy, my psychotherapist said something that brought tears to my eyes.”
“What did he say?”
“”No hablo inglés.””
And one last one for the road
A Zen student went to a temple and asked how long it would take him to gain enlightenment if he joined the temple.
“Ten years,” said the Zen master.
“Well, how about if I really work hard and double my effort?”
“Twenty years.”
Neel Burton is author of the Ataraxia series.
Sunday Jokes
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, “I have to go home or the wife will be mad”. (at this point he was loaded drunk)He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said “I can’t walk and I didn’t have that much to drink?”. He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says “I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don’t get home soon”! He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her. The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said “you were out drinking again last night weren’t you!” The man replied with “NO WAY!” And the wife said “YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night”!
SOTALLY TOBER
starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think I’m not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol I’m just a little slort of sheep I’m not drunk like tinkle peep I don’t know who is me yet but the drunker I stand here the longer I get Just give me one more drink to fill me cup ‘cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up
Nutsrok 