Afternoon Funnies

The old farmer just got married and as he was driving home with his new wife the mule stopped and wouldn’t pull 
the wagon. The farmer smacked him over the head with a 2×4…..and said, 
“That’s One! …..
…The second time the mule refused to move the farmer went over and hit him with the 2×4 and said…”That’s Two!………
……The third time the mule refused the farmer took his gun and shot him…….
The new wife started to criticize the old farmer for shooting his mule and he says;

That’s one…………….

A cardiologist who was nearing the end of his career to leave the spotlight and stress of leading the cardiologist staff of the Mayo Clinic, and moved to a small, rural hospital in the Florida Panhandle.  He told the staff at the Mayo Clinic, “I am tired of dealing with CEO’s and millionaires who are too busy to take care of their hearts, and look forward to the simple country lifestyle of patching up farmers and their bankers who have simply worn their hearts out.”

Sadly, after only four short years of simpler life, the Cardiologist died of cancer.   When his comrades from the Mayo Clinic heard the sad news they told the family that they wanted to help them plan a very elaborate funeral, to pay their respects for this great man who had so much influence on doctors all over the world. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service at the church, and all in attendance were in awe, having never seen such an event. Following the eulogy, as harp music played, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

All of a sudden, one of the mourners in the back of the church burst out in laughter. Every head turned to see the source of this disrespectful laughter.  It was one of the country doctors from the small town hospital.  With the whole crowd glaring at him in disgust, the doctor held up his hand and said, “I am so sorry folks, I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, he was a great friend.  I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a proctologist.

Harold was a farmer, who had stayed healthy and happy out on the farm for over 60 years. As the years slipped by, however, his wife worried about him out in the summer heat for long hours each day.  She had been right to worry as one summer, while out fixing fence, the heat got the best of Harold.  He got dehydrated and had to be hospitalized. Harold hated it there, because he kept wanting to get home to check on his crops and cattle.  The doctor warned him that he needed to spend at least 4 days in the hospital, so they could run a series of tests on his heart and other systems.  Plus he just wanted to make sure Harold’s strength had returned, because he knew he would be right back out farming again in the heat.

There was one young nurse that just drove Harold absolutely crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry today?” Old Harold had had about all he could stand of this particular nurse, and just had to get out of that hospital.  He was more sick of people poking, prodding, testing and talking to him like an helpless old man, than he was from the heat stroke.

One day at breakfast, he came up with a plan. The nurse came to his room and left him a urine bottle to fill for testing.  After she had left his room, Harold got a twinkle in his eye as he spied the apple juice on the breakfast tray on his bed side stand.  Well you know where the juice went, right into the urine sample vial.

A little while later when the patronizing nurse returned, she picked up the vile and said, “My oh my, it seems we are a little cloudy today?” At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it right down, saying, “Well, let’s run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!

The nurse fainted!  Harold boomed out, “This nurse needs help!”  Within seconds 4 nurses and two doctors were fussing all around her.  Harold just smiled and said to himself, “Now’s my chance to get the heck out of this place.” He snatched his clothes out of the closet, got dressed in the restroom down the hall, headed to the elevator, and was out the door before anyone knew what happened!

Best horse jokes

A horse walks into a bar. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water, but can’t make him drink.

2. I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 – and it did! Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.

3. A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks: “Why the long face?”

4. I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding. After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.

5. A horse walks into a bar. “Hey,” says the barman. “Yes please,” says the horse.

6. What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race? Sherbet.

7. Have you heard the one about the runaway horse? It’s a terrible tale of WHOA!

8. Where do horses go when they’re sick? The horsepital.

9. What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

10. Why should you never be rude to a jump jockey? In case he takes offence.

11. What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours of course.

12. A pony went to the doctor complaining about having a sore throat. The doctor said: “It’s OK, you’re just a little horse.”

13. Some racehorses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won eight of them!”

Another horse breaks in: “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!”

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another.

At this point, the horses notice a greyhound, who has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”

14. How do you spell ‘Hungry Horse’ in four letters? MTGG.

15. A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend. “What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks. “Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised. “Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “You’ll win!”

16. How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse? The police horse goes “Neigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw”.

17. Why did the man stand behind the horse? He was hoping to get a kick out of it

18. How do you make an appaloosa? Shake the tree

19. Which type of cheese do horses like best? Masc-a-pony

20. What sort of horses come out after dark? Nightmares

21. When does a horse talk? Whinny wants to!

22. What disease are horses most scared of getting? Hay fever

23. What kind of bread does a horse eat? Thoroughbred

Best jokes for Monday Morning

I once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 8 toes. Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant





I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.





I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.





If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that’s humerus.



I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight. 



Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?



Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers; the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has only 16. Therefore, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.




I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!” The leader replied. “That’s not just any old lizard … he’s a stand-up chameleon.”



I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it, but nobody saw it.



Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.




My friend said she wouldn’t eat a cow’s tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth.So, I gave her an egg.



Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King, but he made a great ruler.



Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg and tomorrow romaines to be seen.



My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That’s right ……. Jack and the beans talk.



I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.



I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.



Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. You guessed it ……… the steaks were pretty high.

The Best Medical Jokes of the Day

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The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“Give me the good news,” said the patient.

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on whether the light bulb has health insurance!

You might be a E.R. doctor if …

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You say to yourself “great veins” when looking at complete strangers.
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there!”
Your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front lawn.

A seven-year-old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor today.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother sighed nervously. “Tell me exactly what happened, darling.”

“Oh, not much. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

A man comes to the doctor desperate for relief from chronic migraine headaches. When the doctor takes a look at his medical history, he discovers that his poor patient has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. “Listen,” says the doctor. “I have migraines, too … and I’m going to give you some personal advice. There are no clinical studies to back this up, but this is what I do for my own migraines, and it works for me. When I feel a migraine coming on, I go home, take a nice hot bath and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand … especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex … and this almost always cures my headache. Give it a try and come back in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a huge grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a really nice house.”

An elderly woman walks into a plastic surgeon’s office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says “Well, we have three options. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years.”

The old lady says “Well tell me about the various procedures.”

The doctor says, “For $1000 I can take a few years off and smooth out your wrinkles, but you’ll need to have the procedure repeated year.”

“Forget that one,” she says. “What about the other options?”

“For $3000,” the surgeon explains, “I can do a much better job. I can take twenty years off your face, but you’ll still need a touch up every three years or so.”

“No, that’s no good either,” the woman complains. “What about the last option?”

“For $5000,” the doctor replies, “you are going to get the best facelift modern medicine has to offer, with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery technology. I’ll attach a screw to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, you can come back in and I’ll tighten the screw.”

The old lady is delighted and has the surgery, but about 6 months later she returns to the office very upset. “Doctor, I want my money back!” she cries. “I look horrible! Look at these bags under my eyes!”

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, “Lady, you aren’t getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you’re going to have a mustache.

Speeding, Tickets, and Laughs: A Comedic Collection

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the officer.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

I am a Home Health Nurse, I was always speeding. I love to drive fast. One afternoon, I saw the familiar lights, behind me, and pulled over. I lit a cigarette, got my insurance card, and license in my hand. Ready to hand it to the officer, I knew the drill. I noticed the officer really eyeing the mess my car was in. I hadn’t cleaned it out the weekend before. So, now almost 2 weeks worth of trash was almost level to the passenger seat, from the floorboard. The officer said, with doubt that his eyes, and tone, “Are you sure it’s safe to smoke a cigarette, that close to that mess.” Without missing a beat, I returned, “Officer. I’d appreciate it if you’d give me a ticket for speeding, and not for hauling trash without a permit.” The officer gave me a split second double take. Then started laughing, and kept laughing. He couldn’t even get out what he was trying to say. Finally, he waved me on. Said that was the best response he ever heard.

Helpful Wife

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer’s salary—in the passenger seat.

“I stopped you because you were going 75 in a 55 zone,” the officer says.

The driver replies, “No sir, I was going just a little over 55.”

The woman says, “Oh Stuart! You were going at least 80 and hit the brakes when you saw the cop car on the side of the road!”

The man gives his wife a dirty look.

The officer says, “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”

“Broken tail light?” the man replies. “I didn’t know about a broken tail light.”

The woman exclaims, “Stuart! You’ve known about that tail light for weeks!”

The man gives his young wife another dirty look.

The officer then says, “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”

The driver replies, “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

“Stuart,” the pretty woman says, “you know you never wear your seat belt!”

The husband bursts out, “Shut your mouth, woman!”

The officer takes a moment, and then says, “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?”

“No,” she says, “Only when he’s drunk.”

2. Prescription Glasses

Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he’s not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer says, “I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.”

Driver says, “Officer, I have contacts.”

Officer says, “I don’t care who you know, you’re still getting a ticket.

3. The Clairvoyant

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

4. Energizer Bunny

The energizer bunny was recently arrested. He was charged with battery.

5. Two Peanuts

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in a bad neighborhood? One was assaulted.

6. Forty Over

An officer conducting speed enforcement stops a young man for traveling in excess of 40 mph over the speed limit. The officer approaches the driver and says, “Well, 40 over…I been waiting for you to come along all day.”

Without pause, the young man replies, “I got here as fast as I could!”

7. California Roll

After making a “California Stop” at a stop sign, a man is pulled over by a patrol officer. The officer walks up to the car, gets the driver’s license and registration, and tells him he was stopped because he failed to come to a complete stop at the stop sign.

The driver replies, “I slowed down. There was no one coming, so I drove on through.”

The officer replies, “You are required to come to a complete stop before proceeding through the intersection.”

The driver argues back. “There was no one coming. What’s the big deal?”

The officer tries again. “Sir, all four wheels must cease motion before you can proceed past the stop sign.”

The driver is not convinced. “If there’s no one coming, then, stop or slow down, what’s the difference?”

The officer asks the driver to step out of his car. Once he has done so, the officer takes out his baton and begins striking the man at various points on his upper and lower body. After 30 seconds or so of this, he pauses.

“Now, sir—would you like me to stop, or is it okay if I just slow down?”

8. The Hospital

An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street. He approaches her and asks, “Are you okay?”

The woman replies, “Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?”

The officer replies, “Just keep standing there.”

9. The Lecture

An officer sees a man exit a bar at closing time and get into his car. After observing some erratic driving, he pulls the man over. The officer asks the driver, “Where are you going at this time of night?”

The man replies, “I’m on my way to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Who would be giving that kind of lecture at this time of night?”

The man says, “My wife.”

10. Drug Test

An officer comes upon a man clearly under the influence of some illegal substance. He says to the man, “We’re going to have to give you a drug test.”

Without hesitation, the man replies, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”

11. The Wedding

An officer pulls over a man for speeding.

Before the officer can even say a word at the stop, the man—dressed in a tuxedo—blurts out, “Sir you have to listen to me…”

The officer cuts him off, “Sir, you were going twice the speed limit, I’m going to issue a ticket.”

Insistent, the man pleads, “Please! I have to…”

The officer interrupts, “Don’t bother, you’re getting this ticket.”

This back-and-forth continues for several minutes, eventually escalating to where the man was becoming openly hostile. The officer places the man under arrest.

At the holding cell, the officer says, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the man in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

Evening chuckle

Alcohol jokes
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!” The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!” The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”

Little Johnny jokes
Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?” “But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!” “Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.” Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!” “But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”

Cop jokes
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!” In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. ” The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”

Great Jokes and Cartoons for You

A monkey one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
“Wow, this is great,” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight.
Lots of other monkeys, all free and nibbling on bananas. “Hey,” he called. “I’m a monkey from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped.
Are you wild monkeys?” “Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.


Our friend trotted over to them and started eating the bananas. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild monkeys do?” he asked. “Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?” “You see that tree there? It’s got papayas growing in it. We eat that as well.” The papayas tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

“It’s fantastic out here in the world” he told them. 
“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked. 
“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.” The wild monkeys all stared at him, a bit surprised. 
“Why? We thought you liked it here.” 
“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the lab. I’m dying for a cigarette.”

Best Monkey Jokes for Saturday Night

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.He orders a drink and while he’s drinking,the monkey jumps all around the place.The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then he jumps onto the pool table,grabs one of the billiard balls,sticks it in his mouth,and to everyone’s amazement,somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy,”Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No,what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table …Whole!”

“Yeah,that doesn’t suprise me,” replied the guy,”he eats everything in sight, the little bum.I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink,pays for his bill,pays for the stuff the monkey ate,then leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again,and has his monkey with him.He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.He grabs it,sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.”Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“No, what?” replied the man.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his but,pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t suprise me,” replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

Funny one-liners

1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”

3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.

5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.

6. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

7. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

8. What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.

9. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.

10. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

11. I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.

12. Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?

Decent Jokes

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. 

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it. 

President Lincoln was approached by a woman after a political speech… If you were my husband I would poison your tea. Lincoln replied…if you are my wife I’ll gladly drink it. 

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo. 

Have you heard the joke about yoga. Nevermind its a bit of a stretch. 

Why should you never play poker at the zoo? Too many cheetahs 

What do you call a nose with no body? No body nose 

Why does snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Fo-Drizzle. 

Never confide in a vacuum cleaner. They’re always collecting dirt 

A roman walks into a cafe holds up 2 fingers and gets 5 coffees. 

Q: What time is it when the clock strikes 13? A: Time to get a new clock. 

What do you call a guy who’s really loud? Mike.