The old farmer just got married and as he was driving home with his new wife the mule stopped and wouldn’t pull 
the wagon. The farmer smacked him over the head with a 2×4…..and said, 
“That’s One! …..
…The second time the mule refused to move the farmer went over and hit him with the 2×4 and said…”That’s Two!………
……The third time the mule refused the farmer took his gun and shot him…….
The new wife started to criticize the old farmer for shooting his mule and he says;

That’s one…………….

A cardiologist who was nearing the end of his career to leave the spotlight and stress of leading the cardiologist staff of the Mayo Clinic, and moved to a small, rural hospital in the Florida Panhandle.  He told the staff at the Mayo Clinic, “I am tired of dealing with CEO’s and millionaires who are too busy to take care of their hearts, and look forward to the simple country lifestyle of patching up farmers and their bankers who have simply worn their hearts out.”

Sadly, after only four short years of simpler life, the Cardiologist died of cancer.   When his comrades from the Mayo Clinic heard the sad news they told the family that they wanted to help them plan a very elaborate funeral, to pay their respects for this great man who had so much influence on doctors all over the world. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service at the church, and all in attendance were in awe, having never seen such an event. Following the eulogy, as harp music played, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

All of a sudden, one of the mourners in the back of the church burst out in laughter. Every head turned to see the source of this disrespectful laughter.  It was one of the country doctors from the small town hospital.  With the whole crowd glaring at him in disgust, the doctor held up his hand and said, “I am so sorry folks, I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, he was a great friend.  I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a proctologist.

Harold was a farmer, who had stayed healthy and happy out on the farm for over 60 years. As the years slipped by, however, his wife worried about him out in the summer heat for long hours each day.  She had been right to worry as one summer, while out fixing fence, the heat got the best of Harold.  He got dehydrated and had to be hospitalized. Harold hated it there, because he kept wanting to get home to check on his crops and cattle.  The doctor warned him that he needed to spend at least 4 days in the hospital, so they could run a series of tests on his heart and other systems.  Plus he just wanted to make sure Harold’s strength had returned, because he knew he would be right back out farming again in the heat.

There was one young nurse that just drove Harold absolutely crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry today?” Old Harold had had about all he could stand of this particular nurse, and just had to get out of that hospital.  He was more sick of people poking, prodding, testing and talking to him like an helpless old man, than he was from the heat stroke.

One day at breakfast, he came up with a plan. The nurse came to his room and left him a urine bottle to fill for testing.  After she had left his room, Harold got a twinkle in his eye as he spied the apple juice on the breakfast tray on his bed side stand.  Well you know where the juice went, right into the urine sample vial.

A little while later when the patronizing nurse returned, she picked up the vile and said, “My oh my, it seems we are a little cloudy today?” At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it right down, saying, “Well, let’s run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”

The nurse fainted!  Harold boomed out, “This nurse needs help!”  Within seconds 4 nurses and two doctors were fussing all around her.  Harold just smiled and said to himself, “Now’s my chance to get the heck out of this place.” He snatched his clothes out of the closet, got dressed in the restroom down the hall, headed to the elevator, and was out the door before anyone knew what happened!

“Before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

When he saw me, he shouted, “Wow! Are those potato chips?””

“When I married my beautiful wife, I could get both hands around her waist,” said my husband’s grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, “Now look how much I got. That’s what I call an investment!”

On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.

“For example,” he began, pointing to my husband. “do you know your wife’s favorite flower?”

He answered, “Gold Medal Self-Rising.”

“My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Gramps. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. “We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was.”

“Did you marry Gramps when he came home from the war?” I asked.

“Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman.””

“My husband is wonderful with our baby, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed the baby for lunch?”

“That’s up to you,” I replied. “There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not home?”

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, “Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed the baby for lunch?””

My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.

When I finally got home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. “I know you love me,” she said. “At least 70 people called and told me so.”

“The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, “It makes an awful noise, but it works.”

“That’s okay,” she said, taking it. “I have a husband at home like that.”

Both my fiancé and I are in our 40s. I thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to me—down on one bended knee.

“Are you serious?” I asked, laughing.

“Of course I’m serious,” he said. “I’m on my bad knee.”

1. They arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”

3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.

5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.

6. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

7. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

8. What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.

9. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.

10. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

11. I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.

12. Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?

13. Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.

from Readers Digest

WORLD’S BEST JOKES

The University of Hertfordshire recently concluded a research project to find the best jokes in the world.  Here they are:

Best Joke in the world	A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”  The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.  The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Second Place	Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well,  Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.  Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.  But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Top joke in USA	A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Top joke in Canada	When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia	This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”
Top joke in Belgium	Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks
Top joke in Germany	A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
Top joke in UK	A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Top Joke in England	Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Top Joke in Wales	A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
Top Joke in Northern Ireland	A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Also Rans	Texan: “Where are you from?” Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.” Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?” An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.” Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”   What do you call a monkey in a minefield ? A Baboom !   A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !” Which day of the week do fish hate?……. Fry-Day
	And, saved till last, my own favourite .
Top Joke in Scotland	I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.