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Funniest Christmas Lists

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Get In the Christmas Spirit Withe the Best Jokes of the Day

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Found on internet

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

”Before the store opened.”

Funny Letters to Santa

Here, Will and Guy bring you some amusing correspondence to Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Pere Noel. We hope that these letters, which we have discovered on the internet will entertain you.

A Real Santa Claus Talks About His Role

Carl Anderson has been Santa Claus for 28 seasons, at last he has revealed what we already suspected.

Kids can be hilarious and heart-breaking and he’s got some perfect tales to illustrate it write Will and Guy.  Beyond the expected requests for the latest Barbie and video game, kids have whispered into Santa Carl Anderson’s ear their desire for world peace and their pain at their parents’ breakups.

‘Kids see Santa as someone they can confide in,’ Anderson, 57 informs us. One little girl simply wanted a chair so she could write in a “little diarrhoea” at her desk. ‘Of course she meant diary, but the misspeaks are pretty funny,’ added Anderson.

Children’s musings are often more serious, and reflect what’s going on in the news, or at home.

A boy pleaded for lots of toys for terrorists so they ‘wouldn’t hate us so much,’ says Anderson. Yet another little one, ‘…wanted money to help mom pay the bills because she worries so much.’

It’s not easy being Santa. I”s hard on the body and on the heart. ‘I feel for them a lot,’ says Anderson. ‘It’s hard when kids ask me to get their mommy and daddy to love each other again or when they want someone who is sick to recover. I tell them I can’t promise anything but I will make it my wish for them – and I do,’ he adds.  ‘Santa is a symbol of hope. They know he’ll always be there and care about them and want the best for them.’

Short, Clean Hilarious and Funny Letters to Santa ClausFunny Santa Claus Letters

Dear Santa,
Please give me a doll this year. I would like her to eat, walk, do my homework, and help me clean my room.
Thank you, Jenny

Dear Santa,
Thanks for the race car last year. Can I have another one, only this time one that is faster than my best friend’s race car?
Ricky

Dear Father Christmas,
I wish you could leave a puzzle under the tree for me. And a toy for my sister. Then she won’t want to play with mine and I can have it to myself.
Merry Christmas, Cassie

Dear Santa,
You can send me one of everything from the boys’ section of the Sears catalogue. But nothing from the girls’ section. I can’t wait for Christmas to come.
Kent

Dear Pere Noel,
Could you come early this year? I’ve been really super good, but I don’t know if I can last much longer. Please hurry.
Love, Jordan

 Θ

Dear Santa,

I lost my list of toys, so please just send me the stuff that you forgot from last year.
Todd

Dear Father Christmas,
What should I leave for your reindeer to eat? Do they like cookies, too? My mom won’t let me bring hay into the living room.
Your friend, Sandy

Dear Santa,
I need a new skateboard for Christmas. The one I got now crashes too much. Band-aids would be OK too.
David

Dear Santa,
Would you rather I leave you cookies and milk or pizza? Dad says you’d probably like the pizza. Write back right away to let me know.
Love, Lisa

Dear Kris Kringle,
Please give me a tank, a jet fighter, 20 green soldiers, and a bazooka gun. I’m planning a surprise attack on my brother. So don’t tell anyone.
Thanks, Danny

Dear Santa,
How will you get into our house this year? We don’t have a chimney and my father just installed a very expensive security system.
Julie Funny Father Christmas Letters

 ›

More Amusing Dear Santa Letters

Dear Santa,
Mommy says that you only bring presents for the good little boys. That isn’t fair.
Brian

Dear Santa,
How old are you? How did you meet Mrs Claus? Is your first name really Santa? Can I be an elf next year? Who is your favourite kid? How do you fit all those toys in your sleigh? I have more questions for later.
Your pal, Pauline

Dear Father Christmas,
My mother told me to write to you and say thanks for the train set. My dad plays with it all the time.
Mike

And finally Will and Guy’s favourite:

Dear Santa,
I would like just one of everything.
Thank you. Nancy

Moses5moses7

'Is it just me, or does it also bother you guys that he eats animals crackers?'

‘Is it just me, or does it also bother you guys that he eats animals crackers?’

The First Memoir: 'Ok...it's a pretty good story Noah. But I think it needs to punched up a little to make it marketable.'

The First Memoir: ‘Ok…it’s a pretty good story Noah. But I think it needs to punched up a little to make it marketable.’

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Image processed by CodeCarvings Piczard ### FREE Community Edition ### on 2015-05-19 14:16:16Z | http://piczard.com | http://codecarvings.com

Very Best of the Evening Jokes Just for You

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Behind every successful woman is herself.

Oh my god, I think I’m becoming the man I wanted to marry!
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.

A woman is like a tea bag … you don’t know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men … some things are just better rich.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
I’m out of oestrogen and I have a gun.

Warning:
I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don’t look busy … I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
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All stressed out and no one to choke.

I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
How can I miss you if you won’t go away ?

Don’t upset me! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

 

Best Jokes of the Evening

WORLD’S BEST JOKES
The University of Hertfordshire recently concluded a research project to find the best jokes in the world.  Here they are:
Best Joke in the world A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Second Place Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well, 

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. 
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. 
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. 

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Top joke in USA A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”
Top joke in Belgium Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks
Top joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
Top joke in UK

 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Top Joke in England Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Top Joke in Wales A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
Top Joke in Northern Ireland A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Also Rans Texan: “Where are you from?” Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.” Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”

 

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?

A Baboom !

 

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

Which day of the week do fish hate?…….

Fry-Day
And, saved till last, my own favourite .
Top Joke in Scotland  I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

The Very Best of the Evening Jokes Just for You

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Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.  It was the guy in the booth behind her.  “Not so loud!” he said.  “What?” she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.  “I said not so loud!” was his muffled reply.  Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.  “How was your day?” questioned the man from behind once again.  “Pretty good” responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.  “Did you pass the exam?” came the next question from behind.  “I don’t know, I didn’t get my grade yet” replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty. “I’ll have to call you back when I’m out of here”, came the voice from behind once again, “some nut job is answering every question I ask you!”

Being Pregnant Joke

Tom and his wife Jenny were attending a class for parents to be.  “Husbands, today we are going to focus on you!” announced the instructor.  “I want you all to do the following activities as if you were the one pregnant.  This way you will see how difficult everyday activities become for the pregnant women, and you will leave with a greater appreciation for your pregnant wives.”

“Wow!  This is great!  Finally you’ll have a feeling for what I’ve been going through!”  Jenny excitedly said to Tom, as his stepped up for his assignment.

“Tom, I want you to pretend to cook dinner as if you were a tired out woman in her seventh month!”, ordered the instructor.

“Oh that’s simple” Tom confidently answered.  “I know exactly how I would do it…

Honey!” he hollered.  “Order us a pie of pizza for dinner tonight.  I’m too tired to cook

High Blood Pressure Joke

Sammy couldn’t take it anymore.  His wife Shirley had been nudging him for months to see the Doctor about his high blood pressure.  He had finally made the appointment simply because he couldn’t take it any longer.

As he walked in the front door after his appointment, an anxious Shirley was there waiting for him.  Bracing herself for the worst, she asked Sammy how the appointment went, as she nervously eyed the bottle of pills he had come home with.

“Everything’s fine”, Sammy happily told her.  All he gave me was this bottle of tranquilizers.”

“Tranquilizers?” asked a confused Shirley.  “I’ve never heard of them giving tranquilizers?!”

“Oh, they’re not for me,” Sammy triumphantly replied.  “They’re for you!”

 

At age 80, Sam was telling his good friend Harry about a book of memory tricks that he was reading.  “I’m telling you,” he exclaimed, “ever since I started reading the book, my memory has gotten better!”

“Wow!” responded an amazed Harry.  “What’s the title of the book?”

“Well,” said Sam ,after hesitating for a second. “You know that jewel that’s round and white, and comes from oysters….?” Asked Sam. “What’s it called again?” “A pearl?” answered Harry.

“That’s right,” said Sam.

“Pearl!” hollered Sam,  “what’s that book of memory tricks I’ve been reading called?  Harry wants to see it!”

 

Judgment In Heaven Joke

Sam was standing at the gates of heaven, having just died moments before.  “Why aren’t I being let in?” asked Sam upon seeing the concerned look on the angel’s face.  “Well, to tell you the truth, according to these papers, it seems like you don’t really belong here,” replied the angel.  “I’ll tell you what I can do for you though,” the merciful angel said.  “Has there ever been a time when you saved someone’s life?  That should be enough to get you into here.”  “Yes!” Sam eagerly responded.  “Once I was sitting at the beach when I heard faint screams and saw a head bobbing up and down in the water.  I ran as fast as I could into the waters even though I couldn’t swim, just so I could save the guy’s life.  As I neared him, I felt the waters getting deeper and deeper, but I told myself to just keep on going so I could save the guy.”  “When did this happen?” asked the impressed angel.  “Oh, a just a few seconds ago”, responded Sam.

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Playing Hooky Joke

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: “Hi, I’m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling?”

Kelly: “This is my mother.”

 

Smart Teen Joke

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

Community Service Joke

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”

“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

Office Wisdom

 


 Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

There may be no ‘I’ in team, but there’s a ‘ME’ if you look hard enough.

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.

Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a LOSER!

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency – welcome to a day in the average office.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would Chuck Norris handle this?”

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you’re trying to get them fired.

If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’. But then there’s no ‘I’ in ‘useless smug colleague’, either. And there’s four in ‘platitude-quoting idiot’. Go figure.

Fifteen Foolproof Rules for Buying Man Gifts

Rule #1:
When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks, ties, or bathrobes. “If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented underwear.”

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Bass Pro Shop, Harbor Freight, Home Depot, Lowes, RV Centers, and Tractor Supply Company.  NAPA Auto Parts and Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”

Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook but they will barbecue. Get him a monster grill with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”  If he already has a grill, definitely get him a turkey fryer.  Be ready to video.

Rule #12:
Tickets to a game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manilla rope. No one knows why.

Evening Chuckle

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, “Tell me how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Faith and begorah! Is that good!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?” she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, “Ten years.”

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “Tis absolutely fantastic!”

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too.”