Bumps in the Road

Though I most frequently talk about the amusing things our family experienced, of course there was another side.  Mother is a lovely lady, cheerful, fun-loving, and totally centered on her family, still at ninety-six.  She is and always was, scatterbrained, a trait she generously shared with her children.  It provided comic relief in otherwise hard times and sometimes precipitated hard times. I know now Daddy was bipolar, though he never went off the deep end.  As a young man, he was a binge drinker and gambler, though he gave it up to save his marriage.  Before setting out to establish a farm in his early forties he was always hunting or hanging with his cronies.  When I was a small child, Billy and I frequently got to tag along.  It was heaven! Upon his return from work we rushed joyously rushing to meet him shrieking, “Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home.” Then we’d likely be off for an adventure. Unfortunately, for his older two girls, Daddy made a point of  establishing an emotional and physical distance as we approached puberty.  He wanted no hint of inappropriate behavior in his family.  God only knows how he was influenced by his early life. 

About the time Daddy was nine, his sick father had moved into the home of his own mother. Suffering with a brain tumor, he lay abed for four years, unable to do anything for his poor family.  That grandma wanted nothing to do with her daughter-in-law and the starving children.  The fourth of seven, Daddy, along with his two older brother’s, took any work they could get, often for nothing more than the chance to put their feet under someone else’s table.  Daddy said one day he chopped bushes all day for a bag of meal. 

None of his father’s family wanted to be saddled with their ravenous appetites either.  They were all struggling. Daddy told of helping his uncle with the harvest one late fall day.  The three barefoot boys got there before daylight, hoping for breakfast.  Their shoeless condition was not slovenliness.  They’d have gladly worn shoes had they had them. Sadly, his aunt was plunging the breakfast dishes in hot water as they shuffled up to the back door.  She’d had no intention of feeding them, shooing them out to the field with Uncle Robert and their cousins. At noon, Annie Mae sent one of her girls to the field with a bag of biscuits slathered with cold gravy and a jug of water.  The biscuits were bland but filling, but the boys had been hoping for milk, and maybe a cookie or a pear

The weather turned about four that afternoon, a cold sleety rain.  The hungry boys followed their uncle to the house, looking forward to a hot supper and a cozy bed for the night.  Their mother wouldn’t be worried, knowing they were at Uncle Robert’s.  Surely, Uncle Robert would hitch up the wagon and bring them home in the morning.  They didn’t have shoes or coats!  In the days before their Daddy got sick, they’d often stayed at Uncle Robert’s with their cousins.

Again, the heartless Annie Mae met them at the door.  “You boys git on home before it gits any worse.  Your Mama’s gonna be worried about you.” Aunt Annie made it clear they and their appetites had no welcome at her table. Uncle Robert gave them each a quarter and a tow sack full of the corn they’d just helped harvest. He sadly watched his nephews head to their poor home, clearly having had his orders. The shoeless boys cried with misery as they gingerly stumbled the long three miles home on frozen feet.  Daddy vowed then never to turn a hungry visitor away.  He never did.  Mother was often angered when Daddy insisted she come up with a meal for drop-in company, even hours after mealtime.  It’s surprising how often Daddy’s offer was accepted, especially  by ne’er do wells. Meanwhile, Mother fumed at the stove. “Nobody with any raising would expect someone to drop in and be offered a meal!” Mother never had sandwich makings or quick food so a meal meant cooking.

On a further further note, the penurious Annie Mae made each of her own children raise heir own garden contributing to the family larder.  She benefitting further, selling off the excess.

I Loved Lucy

1251973651_frog-scratching
When I met Lucy, it was love at first site. Not romantic love, but the best kind, true friend love. A freckled redhead, Lucy’s hands were covered in warts. Everybody knew you got warts from playing with frogs. I played with frogs every chance I got, but so far had not been able to acquire the warts I coveted.
Naturally, I still had to ask, admiringly, How’d you git them warts?” I always took the subtle approach.
“How do you think? From playin’ with frogs, Dummy. Frogs’ backs is covered with warts.” My admiration grew exponentially, a girl who liked frogs and wasn’t afraid to say “pee” without looking around to make sure her mama couldn’t hear. I had a hard life. My own mother made us say “wee wee” and swore she’d know if we EVER said “pee.” “Pee” was vulgar. I’d had my behind paddled more than once for getting caught.
“Have you got any frogs now? I want to see them warts.” I had to know.
“Sure. There’s always some at the creek.” She took off with me following. Wading in, we were soon rich in frogs. Catching a couple, we examined them, finding their backs splendidly populated with warts.
We passed an idyllic afternoon with those frogs in the cool creek.I still remember the feel of those scratchy warts on my fingers. Tadpoles frolicked joyously in shady pools, just out of our reach. Wet and muddy to the waist, that day I knew perfect joy. Time stood still. Long before I’d had my fill of warty frog fun, Mother called out saying it was time to go, but not before I slipped a couple of frogs in my pocket.
“Oh no! I gotta go.” I whined.
“That’s okay. Next time you come back, we’ll git you a snake.” She promised.
I got the snake, but never did get my warts.

Camper Part 2

The old school bus camper had lived a rich life before falling into our family’s lap. After spending years transporting kids safely to school, it had been relieved of most functional parts and converted into a rustic camper. Some intrepid do-it-yourselfer had gutted it till nothing but the shell remained. Two shelves graced by full size mattresses stretched across the back. Stacked army cots flanked both sides. An ancient stove was wedged near the door. A wildly patterned floral vinyl rug completed the decor. I thought it charming.

Immediately before coming to us, it sheltered a destitute family of four, on the banks of Dorcheat Creek, all that stood between them and homelessness. Unheated, except for the death-trap of a leaky stove, they had to leave the windows open should they get desperate enough to use it. They cooked outside, unless it rained too hard.

Akins, a decrepit old geezer had courted and won the heart of Mary, an pathetic child of fifteen. It’s hard to imagine the life she’d hoped to escape if she imagined that sickly, wheezing old man was the answer to a prayer. Only eighteen, she hugely pregnant and mother to two wormy-looking babies when Daddy met the family. Upon Loy’s desperate plea, He purchased their battered home for fifty dollars, allowing Loy to buy a battered station wagon. Loading his family into the ancient vehicle, he moved them into an unpainted shotgun house some charitable soul had offered up rent-free out of pity for Mary and her growing family. With all its flaws, it was a much better home for the desolate little family. Mother was furious when Daddy blew fifty bucks on a useless piece of junk when she needed groceries.

Shotgun houses are three-room dwellings peculiar to the South. Built with three or four adjacent rooms with aligned doors, in theory, one could fire a shotgun through the front door with the bullet emerge through back unscathed. I never heard why anyone would want to shoot through a house, but this was the South after all.

Mary was grateful to move her poor little family into a house with a wood stove since they’d been living without heat. Their only luxury was electricity, a single bulb hanging from the ceiling in each room. They did have cold running water, but no bathroom. The ancient toilet stood behind the house. The local church gifted them with clothes, household goods, and groceries so their lives was vastly improved. Mary was over the moon at the gift of an ancient wringer washer. It stood proudly on the droopy back porch.

Shotgun House

Loy was unable to work, so the family scraped by on public assistance. Most of the time, Mary was able to shame him into helping her cut wood for stove when bad weather was coming. Though Mary often had to ask the church for food, both she and Loy were chain smokers.

Sometimes Loy made a bit of money by repairing bicycles or lawnmowers, picking peas, or perhaps driving someone to town. Mary was known for her beautiful ironing, a bargain at five cents a piece. Mother was also pregnant with her fifth at the time, so if she could squeeze a dollar or two out of her overstretched budget, she was glad to hire Mary to do her ironing. The industrious girl had some sewing skills and sometimes got fifty cents for hemming a skirt or a nickel apiece for hand-stitching button holes. The neighbors competed for her services. The pair made a little money this way when times were hard.

It seems remarkable to work so cheaply, but in 1960, bread was $.22 a loaf and whole milk $.49 a gallon. Mary’s hard work put something in the hungry children’s stomachs.

Mother gave birth to her youngest. The baby had milk allergies. The baby’s formula was changed several times with no let up in symptoms. Finally, the doctor had mother put warm jello in her bottle instead of formula and give her supplemental baby food with cereal several times a day. The baby thrived.

Mary gave birth to twins. She claimed they were identical except one was a boy and the other a girl. Seeing the red jello in Mother’s baby’s bottle, she inferred it was Kool aid, even though Mother had explained the situation. It was probably a bit of wishful thinking as well. Kool aid was only a nickel a pack then; milk $.33 a gallon. Mary switched her babies to Kool aid. Two or three days later, she came over pleading for canned milk. The poor babies were crying incessantly and refusing their Kool aid. Horrified, Mother explained and sent her home with canned milk. The babies straightened right up. They liked milk.

Mary was a tragedy of fertility. Perpetually pregnant, she gave birth to six children in record time. Sadly, she lost several teeth. By the time they moved away, she had aged tremendously.

The couple stopped by to visit a year or so later. Not surprisingly, Mary was hugely pregnant, smoking up a storm. By this time, the older kids seemed like ferrel children, ripping madly through the house, determined to disembowel every drawer, closet, and cabinet. They ran screaming in and out of the house, doors banging in their wake.

The exception was a two-year-old- girl, Merle. Loy spoke harshly, demanding Merle sit on the sofa, while the others ran wild. She was a precious little toddler, dressed in a pretty dress. The other kids were poorly dressed and mostly shoeless. A time or two, Merle made a move as if to get down. Loy reprimanded her sharply. When she crimped up to cry, Loy raised his hand as if to smack her leg. Mother had one of her little girls bring Merle a toy and encouraged Loy to let her get down and play but she didn’t move, clearly bullied into submission. Once Loy had demonstrated his control over the child, he spent the rest of the visit praising her behavior while the other kids tried to tear the house down. It was a miserable time.

This was in the early sixties, before the time child abuse would have been reported. After they left, I remember my parents discussing the strange situation. They felt sure the purpose of the visit was so Loy could show what a good little girl Merle was. We never saw them again.

It’s Yucky

My baby was due in three weeks.  I felt like I was going to die if I didn’t get a nap.  At three, John had given up naps.  I locked all the doors and found King Kong on TV.  I fixed him a tray of snacks and a drink.  “You are a big boy.  I’m going to take a nap while you watch King Kong. You can wake me up if you really need me but I’m so tired. Stay right here with me and try not to wake me up just talk about King Kong.”

“Okay, Mommy.  I can watch King Kong by myself.”  He answered.  I stretched out on the sofa, hoping he’d be occupied for a while.

John patted my face.  “Mommy, King Kong is scary.”

”Then turn it to cartoons.”

“But I want to see King Kong.”

”You can turn it off for a minute till the scary is over, then turn it back on.”

He turned King Kong off and on a few times.  “Mommy, I have to potty.”

”You’re a big boy.  Go by yourself..”

He was back from the bathroom in just a minute.  I

I heard King Kong go off a few more times.

He asked me several questions.  Finally, I sat up.  I saw John’s bare butt in front of the television.and a half a dozen poops smushed into the carpet.  “John!  Where are you pants?  Why didn’t you wipe your hiney?  Look at this mess!”

”I couldn’t wipe my hiney.  It had poop.  It was yucky!”

That it was.

 

Children’s Biblical Misunderstandings

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.

St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her class. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat, a six-year-old boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’

Bad Words

I suffered painfully through a childhood of deprivation, denied the use of titillating words, a victim of being “raised right.” Mother took pride in being ladylike, totally unconcerned about my needs. Worst of all, she set a good example, never uttering an expletive worse than “Durn!” except on two notable occasions. Once she muttered “Damn!” under her breath when I rounded a corner too fast with a grocery cart and pegged the back of her heel while she was on tip-toe reaching for a bottle of ketchup. I was sure she kill me when she recovered. Fortunately, she was too horrified and guilt-ridden to ever mention it again or I wouldn’t be here to tell the story. Some years later, she banged her head on an open cupboard door and swore. She probably concussed herself and self-righteously denies saying “Damn!” to this day.

My bevy of lucky cousins enthusiastically filled me in on titillating words. Their happy chatter was enticingly peppered with butt, doo doo, ka ka, pee pee, and even dookey. My “bottom” was warmed nicely the first time I tossed out “dookey.” From then on, every time I was around the incorrigibles, Mother warned me not to acquire any new words. I had to say “gee gee” and “wee wee” instead of the good ones we all know and love. I can’t convey how humiliating it was to be a gee gee person in a world of doo dooers, so I learned to keep my silly business to myself. Should it be absolutely necessary to mention anatomy, “bottom” should be whispered. There were no “titties” in our world, just chests,; no “titty babies”, just crybabies. Worst of all, Mother had me convinced I couldn’t sneak anything in. “Mothers know!”

Then I started school. I’d been with Mother in public bathrooms and delighted in graffiti, till she rushed me out.The school bathroom serving the playground was glorious with graffiti and scribblings I couldn’t wait to decipher. The proudest day of my life was when I worked out “piss on the wall. S—-on the floor. I fell in love with reading that moment.

Life improved after I married and set priorities My mental health and Bud’s survival necessitated some vocabulary modifications. Life has been so much smoother since then.

Healing…….Noooo!

My children took frequently took advantage of one of my fatal discipline flaws. Should their behavior cross the line and require discipline, activating my funny bone rendered me useless. The pastor in our small Methodist Church offered healing by laying on of hands at the end of the regular Sunday Service. I suspect that was one of the few times John, age ten, had ever listened. He made a move as though he were heading to the front. I was totally surprised, and caught his arm, thinking he’d misunderstood
”Where are you going?” I asked.
”I’ve got a heat rash!” He giggled.
”Sit down.” He got me

Louie, Louie!

Louie was an amazing stature of a man in stature though not in intellect. Sadly, he was developmentally about three-years-old and spoke in broken phrases at a very low level of understanding. Louie and his ancient mother lived in a battered old house not too far from us. I only saw his mother a few times as she hung on to the door frame shouting out terse commands at him. “Hush up that dog!” “Go git the mail and don’t drop none of it!” “Fetch me six taters out of the tater house.” She resembled nothing so much as a witch. The only visitors the old lady had were her son and his family who lived across the road. The two small boys played happily up and down the road, totally unconcerned with traffic. Neighbors voiced concerns the kids would be run over but the last I heard, thy’d outlived the neighbors who’d had to dodge then.

In that day, most kids were free-range, kicked outdoors to play first thing in the morning. Mothers locked the screen doors behind them, only letting kids in for bathroom privileges or lunch. They knew to refresh themselves at the garden hose to the mantra of “….and I’ll skin your hide if you leave that water running.” Sadly, my mother was conscientious and made us play in our own yard. It was a sad thing to look over our picket fence to see the other kids enjoying a life of total freedom. Most were only called in for supper.

When he was free from his mother’s demands, Louie roamed the neighborhood dressed in overalls and white Tee-shirt just poking around the neighborhood, going to the store with a note from his mother, or walking down the railroad track to town. It’s unlikely Louie had a friend.

Disconcertingly, Louie was known to open unlatched doors in the neighborhood. Should a neighbor neglect to latch her screen door, He was well-known to open the door, so she walk in and pick up a leftover biscuit or pancake left on the stove for kid’s snack. It must have been terrifying to turn and find a behemoth of a man standing silently behind you in your kitchen.

Louie’ mother was totally unconcerned. “He ain’t hurting nothing.“

The city marshall shared her opinion. “He ain’t never hurt nobody. Just lock your door.” Neighbors warned newcomers. The general opinion was,”If you don’t want Louie walkin’ up on you, lock your door.”

Joys of Bubble Wrap

My big dog, fell in love with bubble wrap recently. It never occurred to me a dog would know what to do with it, but fortunately my seven-year-old granddaughter showed him just

how it worked. I’d saved the bubble wrap for her visit. Croc made every step she made. Once she attacked the bubble wrap, he realized it was just what he’d been waiting for all his life. He enthusiastically wrestled with her, stomped on bubble wrap, and rolled in it. The next morning, he came back in while she was still in bed and started his own game. I hated to clean it up once she’d left.