A piece of yarn enters a bar all alone and tries to order a drink. The bartender snarls,
“We don’t serve your kind here!”.
The yarn is forced to leave.
While sitting outside the bar and feeling all alone, the yarn suddenly comes up with a brilliant idea. Working quickly, he ties himself into a knot and unravels the ends. Taking a deep breath, the yarn boldly walks back into the bar and orders a beer instead.
“Hey!” says the bartender. “Ain’t you that piece of yarn I just threw outta here?”
“Nope,” replies the yarn, “I’m a frayed knot.”

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window……
“Pullover”!!
“No,” she shouts back, “a pair of socks!”

The doctor told me to get more fiber, so I went to the local yarn store after work.

An old lady walked into a butcher’s shop and shouted at the butcher.
“That leg of lamb you sold me last week, shrunk by six inches when I cooked it”
“That’s funny” said the butcher “My missis knitted me a jumper, and when she washed it, it shrunk by six inches”
“Must have been from the same sheep”

Local police hunting the ‘knitting-needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

A grandmother sat on her porch knitting three socks when someone walked by and asked, “Why are you knitting three socks?”
The grandmother replied: “Because my grandson said he’s grown a foot since joining the Army.”

A woman walks into a yarn store and asks for a length of wool yarn. The shopkeeper asks,”How long do you need it?” The lady, new to the hobby of crochet, thought it over, then responded, “I guess I’ll need it for a pretty long time. I’m going to make a sweater!”

How can you tell when you’ve had too much coffee?
When you’ve just finished knitting your third sweater in a week, and you don’t even know *how* to knit!

A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”