Linda’s Memoir

Some Things Won’t Be Forgiven

thR5372XT3A harried mother came to the urgent care center where I was working her five-year old-boy wearing nothing but a sheet and a frown.  He was obviously unhappy with his mother and in distress. I assessed him and asked him the problem. 

“I’ve got this big hard piece of tape stuck on the end of my pecker and it won’t come off.  She’s had me sitting in the bathtub all morning, and it ain’t come off yet!”  With this he shot her a murderous look.  She explained he’d had a circumcision recently and the dressing was still clinging stubbornly.

He broke back in furiously, “I told you I didn’t want no surgery!  Ever’thin’ was workin’ just fine till you hired somebody to whittle on me!”

I wasn’t getting in that family fight!

 

Annie’s Fish Hookectomy

We have a nice little wet-weather creek that runs along our property line, cutting through the middle of the wooded lot next door.  My kids played in the creek and in the woods all the time.  They were a few years older than Greg, our neighbor’s boy, so by the time he played there, he had Annie, our Dalmatian and other kids from the neighborhood with him. Sometimes, I think Greg was the only person Annie really liked.

Greg got in from school and made his way straight to the pantry, just like always.  He filled up, chatted a while, and took Annie out to play. Before long, he and Annie were back.  “How do you get a fish hook out of a dog’s mouth?”

I thought it was it was the lead in to a joke.  “”I don’t know.  How?”

“I don’t know. But I was crawfishing with a piece of bacon for bait on my line and somehow, Annie jumped and swallowed the hook, bacon, and all. I just can’t imagine how it happened!”

I could.  Annie pranced right behind Greg, proud of the long string hanging from her mouth.  Tentatively, I pulled it.  It was stuck.  Off to the vet.  As you can see from the xray above, the fish hook was imbedded in her stomach.  It had to be surgically removed, along with about five hundred dollars from my wallet.  Annie moped around for three or four days, with nothing to do but brag about her surgery.  Greg made himself scarce, not even checking on her.

Unmentionable, Thrilling Sex

Bad girlsRepost:

Anything regarding sex was dark and unmentionable in mixed company. Children were not to embarrass adults by noticing any veiled reference made in their presence, never asking why any adult was in the hospital, and vacating the room if the words complications, hormones, or nature came up in conversation. Above all, women should never refer to their “period.” Continue reading →

Bitches About Britches

thongMy mother practiced an excellent form of birth control for her daughters.  She only bought cheap cotton panties because “nobody is supposed to see your underwear anyway.” I don’t know how I would have behaved otherwise, but I wasn’t about to get frisky in those horrible britches.  Sometimes Mother was lucky enough to find some so cheap they didn’t have elastic in the legs, just the waist.  The fit wasn’t too bad in the morning, but by midmorning, these Continue reading →