memoir

A Hog a Day Part 15

 

Against his better judgment, when Billy was about eleven or twelve, Daddy relented and gave him permission to sit with his friend Kenny in church one Sunday. He’d always had an iron-clad rule that we had to sit together as a family way up in front on the third pew, but was somehow, Billy convinced him he could handle the challenge that day. 

Neither had reckoned with the devil super ball hiding in Billy’s pocket as he ecstatically took a seat next to his friend in the back row. All was well till that devil ball started sending Billy psychic impulses a few minutes into the sermon.  Unable to resist its lure, Billy took it The ball out, inspiring awe in Kenny.  They passed it silently between them a few times keeping their eyes straight ahead.  No one was the wiser.  Temptation got the better of Billy and he bounced the ball between his feet, catching it on the return.  There was a small plunk, but no great disturbance.  Emboldened by success, he had to push it. The slight plunk on the hardwood was noticeable, but since the boys kept their composure and stared straight ahead, the sermon continued.  It was going so well, Billy bounced it another time or two.  Of course, luck finally ran out and the hard rubber ball bounced and rolled down the slightly inclined pine floor, bumping a few supports and bouncing joyously along the way.  Daddy knew immediately who the culprit was, turned, and shot Billy the “look of death.”  Kenny, who enjoyed much more casual parenting struggled to stifle his hysteria.

That ball rolled and bounced, bounced and rolled.  The sound seemed deafening though Brother Robert, the preacher, never faltered in his sermon.  As the ball neared the dais, he stepped down, and scooped up the ball mid-bounce.  I had to admire his dexterity. I could see he had some natural athletic ability.  Without hesitation, he continued the sermon, walking in front of the dais and bouncing the ball.  Brother Robert held my attention as never before. Never missing a catch, he pocketed the little ball and went straight to altar call.  I truly prayed for Billy’s life.  I couldn’t imagine what his fate might be.  We finished church as always, filing out to greet the preacher at the door.

Surprisingly, Daddy didn’t kill Billy as expected.  Maybe it tickled his funny bone, though he never let on.  The next Sunday, Billy was in his usual seat on the third row, right next to Daddy.  He never got his superball back.

 

Make a Joyful Noise!

imageDaddy was always right.  Custom and rules were for us, the underlings and nobodies of the family, and we’d best not forget it. He broke the news that some Church in the Wildwood was having a revival and we were going tonight.  I never liked going to church much anyway, so this ruined my day, but wait, there was a bonus.  In case that was’t bad enough, Phyliis and I were going to sing a special.  For those of you unfortunates not initiated into the strange goings on of Baptist Churches back in the sixties, it was common for a slightly talented, or not, fervently religious girl to do a solo, hold the congregation captive for what could be a few miserable minutes. Presumably, she had collaborated with the choir director and pianist, so as not to hijack order of the service.

Phyllis fit the bill perfectly, and had enthusiastically sung several specials in our church, delighting herself, Daddy, and hopefully, at least some people of the congregation.  A couple of times, he had even sprung for a new dress, so she’d really shine.  In all honesty, she sounded good.  

Despite the fact that I wanted no part in it, I’d even been dragged into it a couple of times as backup, kicking and screaming.  I did not sing with a joyful heart.

My heart was heavy with dread as Daddy drove manically through the back roads in search of this obscure church, throwing a fit the whole time because we’d made him late.  This was standard practice wherever we went, since he’d never bother to start getting dressed till after the time he’d say we were leaving.  When it was obvious we’d arrive after services started, I felt great relief, cheerfully offering, “Too bad!  We won’t be able to talk to them about singing a special.”

Always right, as usual, he shot me down.”Oh yes you will.  I’ll tell you when to go up and sing.  It doesn’t have to be arranged ahead of time.  Just be ready to go when I say.  Tell the piano player you want her to play ‘How Great Thou Art’.” I gave up.  We were going to be clomping up to the front of the church surprising the unsuspecting congregation with an impromptu “special” like a couple of clowns. At least, we’d never have to see any of these people again.

The seven of us filled a pew as the congregation finished a hymn, and launched in to another as I waited for the ax to fall.  Phyllis and I sat on the outside so we could make our way more easily to the front when the time came.  After the close of the offeratoy hymn and the collection of the offering, Daddy gave Phyllis “The Signal.” As she stood and prepared to stun the worshipers with our “special “, the choir director announced a “Special,” to be sung by a saintly appearing young lady.  Daddy’s face fell and Phyllis quickly sat down.  The singer limped through “How Greet  Thou Art” clearly enunciating “Greet,” not “Great” as we were prepared to do.  I never enjoyed a song more, the hilarity of the situation nearly undoing me.  As she finished, I stood as though I still thought Daddy expected us to sing.  He reached over, grabbing my skirt tail, stopping my progress.  I gave him a questioning look, as though I was confused at his shutting me down.

God is good.

 

 

Vacation Men/Women

Repost of an old post

Bud went camping and trout fishing with a buddy for a few days.  We shared the drama of list-making, packing, and lengthy instructions on all that needed attention while he was gone.  In the spirit of a true imbecile, I prepared enough easy food for an army, all homemade of course.  I never purchase quick foods.  He left with an ice-chest stuffed with boiled eggs, sausage biscuitDavis Creek campingts, chicken salad, and pimento cheese spread, all the high-cholesterol joy a couple of guys could wish for.  The guys left in high spirits.

While he was gone, I gardened, worked in the yard, wrote, went out to lunch a couple of times, and crocheted.  I didn’t cook.  I didn’t clean, till today.  I didn’t shop for groceries.  I wonder who had the best vacation?

A Hog a Day Part 14

Communion charmed me.  It pained me to see the perfect little glasses and morsels of wafer in the gleaming trays pass me by.  I suspect Mother’s thoughts weren’t sacred as she warned me off with dark looks and head shake.  It seemed wrong to waste communion on adults when those cups were obviously child-sized.  

Glenda Parker boldly reached in and took two tiny cups right under her mother’s eye.  She slurped the juice from one cup, then poured the juice from the other back and forth a few times before spilling it. Her mother sweetly wiped up the pew with a dainty hanky, never shooting her “the look.”  With my head bowed during prayer, I saw Glenda stack and restack those cups and slip them in and out of the little slots on the back of the pew in front of her while her mother piously bowed her head in prayer.  Why couldn’t God have given me to a good mother like that?

Baptism was even more interesting.  The first baptism I witnessed took place in a pond. The congregation gathered around as the preacher led the candidates in one by one and dipped them backwards into murky water.  I yearned to get in that line, but had been warned not to move from Mother’s side.  The next baptism took place in our church’s new sanctuary.  The curtains behind the choir loft opened to reveal a glass-fronted tank before a lovely mural of the Jordan River.  The preacher stepped  in and spoke a few words before assisting Miss Flora Mae down the steps into the tank.  Miss Flora Mae’s full-skirted white skirt ballooned on the surface of the water as she descended, revealing chubby legs and white panties, an unexpected thrill for me and other less-holy onlookers.  A few even snickered as Miss Flora Mae struggled to recover her dignity.

By the next baptism, the baptistry’s glass front had been painted.

 

 

Nag! Nag! Nag!

Peggy Sue and her brother Clyde were in Mrs. Twiddle’s fourth grade class with me. Neither did well in school, but Clyde seemed to struggle more, already having been held back one year. I knew their family lived in an unfinished, unpainted house on my bus route , so I inferred they were poor.

While the other fourth grade girls wore the usual little girl shoes with socks, Peggy Sue went sockless in black flats of the type worn by teenagers and women.

For some reason, Mrs. Twiddle took issue with Peggy Sue’s shoes and lack of socks. Every morning, when checking attendance, the teacher lectured Peggy Sue about not wearing socks. I dreaded the lectures for Peggy Sue’s sake. A kinder person would have assumed the child simply had no socks and possibly discreetly supplied her with a few pair. The Twiddles owned a store and could have spared them. Instead, Mrs. Twiddle tormented her.

I’ve never forgotten Mrs. Twiddle’s cruelty. I’m sure Peggy Sue hasn’t.

A Hog a Day Part 13

With eons of sermons stretching out before me, life looked grim. Occasionally, there was a bright spot.  Sometimes the preacher told a joke, though they were rarely really funny. I truly enjoyed church music, especially if it was something lively, like “Onward Christian Soldiers.” I sung along enthusically, though lots of the words didn’t make sense.  For the life of me, I couldn’t fathom why we sang about laundry, as in “Bringing in the Sheets (Sheaves).” There was also a Christmas carol about laundry.  “While shepherds washed their socks by night (watched their flocks by night.)  I thought it odd, but so much adults did seemed odd.

One special Sunday, God had a startling surprise in store for me. Mrs. Simmons, the pianist, brought her brother Eddie, a handsome young man, along to play the organ.  His boogie-woogie style hymns were a vast improvement over sedate hymns. I could see some of the old ladies exchanging shocked looks, but  I was entranced.  

I was practically bouncing in the pew when suddenly he dropped to the floor in a seizure.  Mrs. Simmons shrieked and rushed to his side. He rallied and they trooped out, along with the rest of her family.  I was so jealous.  The preacher made an anemic attempt to salvage the service, but his flock was clearly anxious to get out and enjoy a good gossip.  I genuinely enjoyed church that day.

 

Mama, the Twins and Aunt Suzi

My friend Ellen planned to adopt her sister’s Suzi’s newborn due about the same time as her own. Ellen was Suzi’s birth coach and put the newborn baby girl to her own breast at its birth, taking it home with her the next day.  Suzi went back to college, missing only one day of class.

A couple of days later, Ellen sat in the obstetrician’s office, hugely pregnant, nursing her newborn baby girl amidst a bevy of confused pregnant women in the waiting room.  The next day, she gave birth to a baby girl.

The girls considered themselves twins, calling Ellen, Mama, and cherishing Suzi as their favorite aunt. It was a happy solution to a challenging situation.

Quick and Easy Way to Retire Comfortably

Don’t borrow money to live on while you go to school. If you must borrow, borrow only enough for tuition and books. You don’t need cable TV, Fancy cell phone plans, money for eating out or partying. If possible get a dependable roommate. If you work steadily, you won’t need entertainment. Peanut butter, whole wheat bread, and beans are nutritious, high protein foods, and you can keep them in a metal lockbox in your room if your roommate is a moocher.

Buy your clothes at resale shops and Goodwill if you don’t have cash. You don’t need as many as you think, especially if you don’t eat out and party. Take a job, any job, until you get one that pays better. Never quit one job till you have another.  If your boss is an idiot, keep your mouth shut.  If he really is stupid, he will undo himself without your help.

Live without credit cards.  You will probably have to finance your first vehicle.  Get a sturdy used car and drive it as long as you can.  Luxury vehicles are for people with cash and those who plan to go bankrupt.

Start out with a small house.  Pay more than the principle every month.  Don’t upgrade till you have sufficient equity and cash. If you are a couple, make sure one of you can make the note if the other is out of a job or out of the picture.  It happens.

Do without whatever you can’t pay cash for.  You need less than you think. Take care of your vehicles and drive them as long as you can.  Cook at home except for special occasions.  Get a freezer and buy on sale.  Enroll in a retirement plan as soon as you get a steady job at the highest rate you can afford.  Increase your investment every time you get a raise.  Chances are, the tax withholdings will make you bring home a lot more than you thought.

Take the vacation you can afford.  Short days trips to the zoo and local attractions and camping, run far less than cruises and Disneyworld.  Kids love this stuff.

When the kids are little, if you have the opportunity, work alternate shifts so one parent is with the kids as much as possible.  You will save a fortune on daycare and have a better idea of what is going on.  Teach kids the difference in what they want and what they need.  It’s a good reminder for them and you.

Decrease your expectations.  You don’t need all that stuff.  Nobody cares, and if they do, find new friends.

Did I say it was quick and easy?  I guess I was thinking in geological terms.

Adorable Playtime: Kids Doctor and Fashion Show Fun

One fine weekend I went to visit my sister Marilyn, in North Arkansas. She had two darling little girls. Before leaving work, I gathered up some out-of-date medical supplies, knowing the girls would love playing with the gowns, masks, dressings and tape. Along with these, I tucked in a stuffed animal and cute little outfit for each. My sister videoed the girls as they enthusiastically tore into their goodies, went to work on doctoring their stuffies and gave an impromptu fashion show. We all in enjoyed their shenanigans.

All was well and good. What could go wrong with that cute video? Plenty. Sometime later, Marilyn sent that video, along with other kiddy videos, home with my other sister Connie for her little girl to enjoy. Hayley got up whiny one morning. Thinking she’d distract her, Connie popped in a video to occupy her. Immediately, Connie heard heart-breaking wails. Hayley was inundated by the evidence of her cousins getting a plethora of wonderful goodies from HER aunt!