This post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop. I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest. Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things. (Links to part 1-5 below) Continue reading
Minnie Mouse
Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 5)
This post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop. I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest. Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things. (Links to part 1,2 &3 below) Continue reading
Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 4)
This post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop. I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest. Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things. (Links to part 1,2 &3 below) Continue reading
Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 3)
This post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop. I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest. Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things. (Links to part 1&2 below)
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Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 2)
1. She left her lights on, ran her car battery down, and asked a nice young police officer to “jack her off.” She wasn’t arrested.
2. She doesn’t like it when someone asks how tall she is, so replies either, “How much do you weigh? or How much money do you have?” By the way, she is not tall.
3. She once crashed wedding in cut off blue jeans, sitting in the first row on the bride’s side. The family was not friendly.
4. She was once locked in a museum and had to be rescued by the fire department, climbing over the fence on their ladder.
5. She was locked in Windsor Castle. More on that later.
6. She rolled up a car window up on a camel’s lip. These things happen.
7. She made change in the offering plate at church and came out twenty dollars ahead.
8. She lost her bra at church one Sunday. She never could explain that!
9, When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them. She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!” They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.” She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.” Go figure.
10. She threatened a rapist
11. She won’t say “Bull.” That sounds crude. She substitutes “male cow.”
Don’t tell her I said vagina, boobs, and poop. God knows she tried to raise me right.
Not tall:
She doesn’t like it when someone asks how tall she is, so replies either, “How much do you weigh?” or “How much money do you have?” By the way, she is not tall. For some reason, people feel perfectly comfortable asking Mother how tall she is. It couldn’t be more obvious that she is short. Most of her grandchildren pass her up by the time they are ten. I was with her on a recent visit to her doctor when the nurse asked her height.
Mother feloniously claimed five foot two inches. Realizing she was getting nowhere, the nurse took her to measure. Mother was busted. “I’ll give you 4′ 9 & 3/4″.” Replied the nurse.
Compounding the issue of her slight build, is her squeaky voice. Once when she called me at work, a coworker called to me, “Minnie “Mouse wants to talk to you. The minute a caller hears her voice, they say, “Oh, hello Mrs. Swain.” She’d never be able to make crank calls.It’s very common for callers to ask,”Is your mama home?”
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Bill and the Bed Slat
Biil and his mean mama
My mother was hard on my brother, Bill. Totally unconcerned about his tender psyche and self-esteem, she spanked him when he was a tender child. She was a tiny, “not tall” woman with a squeaky voice to match, sounding a lot like Minnie Mouse. It was ridiculous seeing her flap away at one of us with a plastic fly swat, but she gave it her best shot from time to time, anyway. Not wanting to be part of such a ridiculous show and avoid further embarrassment was the most likely inducement to better behavior.
Bill maintains he got more than his share of spankings, but most of us feel she neglected him. One day when he was about six, he confronted her, “Mama, you wupped me five times today!” Stricken by this accusation, she answered him, “I know son. I should have wupped you more, but I can’t give you all my time. I have four other children who need wupping.”
The last time she brutally beat him, he was eighteen years old, over six feet four inches tall, and had ragged her one day till she wanted to murder him. After a final smart remark as he went out the back door, he bent over and waggled his behind at her. Overcome with fury, she grabbed up a bed slat conveniently standing beside the back door and threatened him.
“Bend over and grab your knees, boy!” He thought it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. He bent over, grabbed his knees just as she demanded, and waggled his behind at her again for good measure, just in case she hadn’t seen enough the first time. She drew back and smacked him across the rear as hard as she could manage. POW! The percussion verberated across the woods like a rifle shot!
Bill fell to the ground, proclaiming, “You broke my back! You broke my back!
Terrified, she imagined herself going to jail for child abuse, even though he was past eighteen and towered more than a foot above her, leaving two little girls without the comfort of a mother. Mustering bravado, she threatened. “Get up from there or I’ll get you again, boy!”
He hopped up and strode around the corner of the house, laughing to my dad who’d enjoyed the whole episode. “That smarts! I didn’t think she could hit that hard!”
Happy Birthday Bill. Watch out for Mother!
Nutsrok 