mistake

Mistaken Identity

Eavesdropping is one of life’s great pleasures. My daughter-in-law was lucky enough to hear this exchange between some women in the elevator the other day.

“I don’t believe that story about Anne Frank.” the first woman asserted. This caught my daughter-in-law’s interest. She had wondered what a holocaust denier would look like.

“What are you talking about?” asked her companion. “Why on earth would you say that?”

“God wouldn’t make somebody deaf and blind!” said the first. “That would be too mean!”

“You’re so silly!” said woman #2. “You’re talking about Helen Keller! and it was true!”

Ewwwwww!

Not long after my cousin started dating Joey, she decided to treat him to her specialty, pancakes with sugar syrup. In case you’re not familiar with sugar syrup, it’s equal parts sugar and water boiled up and perhaps flavored with vanilla or cinnamon to taste. It’s actually very good on pancakes.

She served him up a tall stack of hot buttered pancakes, referring him to the pot of sugar syrup on the stove. He served himself and dug in, instantly spewing out the mouthful. “This is horrible! Is this some kind of sick joke!”

Joy was furious! “What was wrong with him?” Then she looked and saw he’d mistaken a can of bacon grease for the syrup. To make matters worse, he was Jewish.

Kathleen Carries On Part 3 or The Wedding Crasher

One beautiful June afternoon, Mother found herself at loose ends. A bit miffed that everyone else had plans that didn’t include her she decided to take the high road and visit The American Rose Center. She strolled around for a while, thinking how cute she must look in her floppy garden hat with its silk roses, neat denim shorts and socks dyed to match her shirt.  She thought she must be about the cutest thing  around with no one there to see her.

Happily, she noticed a quaint little chapel with welcoming doors thrown wide open.  Lush roses bloomed on either side of the doors.  “Oh ! They’re having some kind of program.  How nice.”. She took a seat on the left front pew, hoping there would be good music.  After a while, the speaker wandered to the front.  In rapid succession, Well-dressed people started taking their seats.  As proud as she’d been of her outfit earlier, she started to feel a bit underdressed in her shorts and sneakers.  It finally occurred to her when the mother of the bride was escorted down the aisle by an usher.  The lady gave Mother a hard look as she was seated behind the interloper.  Mother scurried toward the back of the chapel as the organist began the Wedding March.  She tried to be invisible in the corner till the bridal party took their places at the altar

Mother said they were the most unfriendly family she’d ever seen!

Flower Felons

One fine day, Mother and I ran by our favorite garden center while we were running errands, as any right-thinking person would.  I know better than to take Mother with me around flowers. She has no flower morals and always leads me into sin. I was strolling about, measuring the beauty of the flowers against the high cost of divorce, should I purchase any more this month, a miracle occurred.  One of the vendors walked up to me and asked if I liked flowers.  She cut me off before I really got started.  She lived at ——Jones Street.  She’d collected so many flowers she couldn’t take care of them.  They were all in her yard and on her porch.  Go by and get all I wanted.

“Is this a joke?  What if your neighbors see me loading flowers and call the police?”

“Oh, that’s no problem.  Just take a picture of me and show it to them if they say anything, or tell them to call me.  It will be fine.”  That sounded reasonable.  I snapped her picture making the peace sign and sped to _______Jones Street.  The neighbors were on their doorstep watching us, probably wondering why they hadn’t been offered anything.  I showed them the lady’s picture, telling them she said we could have her plants.  They looked suspicious, but didn’t yell at us.  The plants were gorgeous and the pots artistic. She’d even started a couple of nice pineapples that were nearly ripe! Why would anyone go to all that trouble only to give them away? I was in heaven. I had many of them loaded when I noticed we were on ______Patterson Street.  Hurriedly, we put the lovely plants back, explained to the incredulous neighbors, and took off.

We never did find ________Jones Street, but at least we haven’t been arrested, yet.  I’ll bet that woman in the garden center is still laughing.