The picture in the upper left captures a frequent expression of Mother’s, usually after she has just opened her mouth and put her foot in it.  The picture in the center was made on a stone patio she built herself.  The final picture was made of a visit to family in New Jersey.  We were walking through a beautiful cemetery and Mother decided to try out the real estate.  She liked it a lot, but decided against being buried that day.

Mother is an endless source of joy for her family. Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past ninety-six and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things.

1.  She left her lights on, ran her car battery down, and asked a nice young police officer to “jack her off.”  She wasn’t arrested.

2.She doesn’t like it when someone asks how tall she is, so replies either, “How much do you weigh?” or “How much money do you have?”  By the way, she is not tall. (4′ 10″)

3.  She wandered into a chapel at The American Rose Society , thinking it looked like they were having a interesting program. They were. She ended up crashing a lovely wedding in cut off blue jeans and floppy sun hat. She took the mother’s place of honor in the first row on the bride’s side.  She complained later that the family was not friendly.

4.  She took out of town friends to visit a museum. Not noticing the time, she led them around to the rose garden The museum closed while they were rambling the grounds. They were locked in the museum grounds . All the octogenarians and had to be rescued by the fire department, climbing over the fence on their ladder.

5.  She was locked in Windsor Castle, grounds. More on that later.

6.  She rolled up a car window up on a camel’s lip in a wildlife park. When she got tired of the persistent animal she just raised the automatic window on his lip. The poor thing loped along desperately, trying to hang onto his lip. Not knowing she was responsible, she complained of him, ” Look at that stupid camel chasing this car!” These things happen.

7.  She made change in the offering plate at church and came out twenty dollars ahead.

8.  She lost her bra at church one Sunday.  She never could explain that!

9,  When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them.  She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!” They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.”  She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.”  Go figure.

10.  She threatened a rapist

11. She won’t say “Bull.”  That sounds crude.  She substitutes “male.”

I decided to flesh these delightful stories out for the New Year, after first clarifying.  Mother’s mind is not going.  Lots of these stories go back many years.  She’s a delight to be around and keeps family and friends in stitches, most often without meaning to.

#1.  “Officer can you jack me off?”

Mother is prissy to the point of being prudish, exchewing vulgar terms such as “butt” and “pee.”Dern is as bad as it gets, except for one time I heard her say “Damn”  when she raised up under and open cabinet door. I have to admit, however, she may have had a closed-head injury when she said it. Life is hard for a kid growing up under such restrictive conditions.

Any way, Mother made her way to the local mall for lunch and an afternoon of shopping with her friends.  Much later she returned to her car and found a dead battery, courtesy of the lights she’d left on.  I suspect she may have said “Dern!”

Donning her best poor stranded woman look, she flagged down a Police Officer, asking if he could jack her off using her best Minnie Mouse squeak.  Maybe he had a grandma, but she didn’t get arrested.  (To be continued)