Mother awoke to the chilling realization that someone was trying to break in the house. “Bill! Bill! Wake up Bill! Someone’s trying to get in!!” Daddy didn’t normally sleep: he went into a coma, but adrenaline jolted him into action. He grabbed his loaded shotgun and crept to the window. In the darkness, a tiny light glowed in the darkness of the front porch. It wasn’t just Mother’s imagination! Someone was trying to get in! Continue reading
Mother
Grandma and the Coat from Hell
Since there were five kids in our family, Grandma did her best to help out when she could. Sometimes I still hate her for it. Once she went to the Goodwill Store and bought me the ugliest coat in the world. I didn’t have a problem with Goodwill. It was ugly that bothered me. It was a knee-length brown hounds-tooth wool dress coat of the style not Continue reading
“It couldn’t be helped!”
Mother has stage-four Terminal ADD. It hasn’t killed her yet, but it came close several times. Back when I was a kid, it was called being disorganized, procrastination, and not getting things done. Having five kids, a-worse-than-unhelpful-husband, Mother had more work than six women could have accomplished. That put the icing on the cake. Daddy should have been a Continue reading
Sorry, Your Highness, My Mother’s a Snob
My mother is always taking digs at the Queen. It’s not like she’s ever met her, nor even been slighted by her in any way. They’ve never moved in the same social circles since Mother has always lived in the United States. Nor has Her Highness ever had the opportunity to snub her, except when Mother made a twenty-one day tour of Great Britain. The Queen failed to invite Mother to tea, even though she was in residence at Windsor Palace at the time. Mother said if the Queen didn’t have the courtesy to invite her, she wasn’t about to beg for an invitation. I reminded Mother the Queen may not have even known she was in the country, but the damage was done. The only positive thing Her Majesty has ever done is be a year older than Mother. Mother is vain about being younger, prettier, and having a better sense of fashion than the Queen. She also accuses her of being a snooty, nosy mother-in-law. Despite the fact that Mother has issues with the Queen, any time the Royal Family is featured in the media, Mother is right there. She is pointing out all the Queen’s flaws, insisting she’s gained weight since the last time. There. The truth is out…I hope the Queen doesn’t take it too hard.
Addendum: I am ashamed to report how joyously my mother received the recent news that the DNA of King Richard III, Queen Elizabeth’s forbear, revealed there was some Royal hanky-panky going on, indicating he was not legitimate!
Things Mothers Do
aI miss all the things my mother used to do for me. Even though she had to get up to a freezing house at five-thirty in winter to do it, she always had a hot breakfast on the table when we got up, usually hot biscuits, eggs, fresh milk, home-made jam or preserves, and either grits or oatmeal. Like most kids, I didn’t want it, but she insisted. “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!” After the whirlwind of getting the older kids on the bus, she’d wash, iron, clean, sew, tend the garden, and when she finished her own pleasant tasks, do whatever extra things Daddy had to help her pass the time, all between taking care of however many of the children might be babies or toddlers. Continue reading
Mother and the Rapist
Kathleen, my eighty-year old mother was snatched from sleep at three in the morning by the sound of hysterical screaming and pounding on her front door. Through the peep hole, she recognized her neighbor, a frail, single mother clutching her toddler and tiny infant, begging to come in. Mother was horrified to hear of Melinda’s rape at gunpoint, the lives of her tiny children threatened. Nonetheless, Melissa called the police and an investigation was begun. Continue reading
Nutsrok 