Nurse

What You Don’t Know

Like most new professionals, I had a vague acquaintance and a decent vocabulary my first day on the job. The hospital educator took me for coffee first thing, a promising start. In less than five minutes, she’d dumped a cup of coffee on my lap, not such a good look for my pristine white uniform. It looked like I’d peed myself. It was a terrible, though perhaps apropos look for the confidence I brought to the job that day.

I dreaded starting work. Unlike the nurses I’d graduated with who bragged of their vast knowledge and heroic saves, I understood I knew next to nothing. Fortunately, I was never unmonitored. My nursing preceptor fully understood my capabilities and made sure I didn’t get in over my head. After all, she was responsible for me. She made sure I’d mastered simple tasks before moving me on. She was a Godsend. Even so, I managed to bungle things often enough. Many, many days I drove home swearing, “I can’t go back. I’ll never get it!” Finally, I started having a few good days. The work was hard, but the finest I could have chosen.

Over my long career, I trained and mentored many wonderful nurses. I recruited many of my family and friends into nurses., including my husband, sister, and numerous nieces. I also made it a point to recognize and recruit talented nursing assistants and other healthcare workers into nursing. So many people have no idea they qualify for tuition assistance from their healthcare institutions or of the wide range of scholarships available. Not only that, many don’t know hard work and drive go a long way toward becoming a nurse.

I will always admire to my nursing mentor and be grateful for her knowledge, kindness, and patience. We are still friends today, forty years later.

Nurse’s Lessons: Cultural Awareness and Patient Care in Nursing

One of the first things I had confirmed as a nurse was I didn’t know much. This was no surprise. In nursing school I had nightmares of being in left alone with no idea what to do. I was not disappointed. My first shift in charge, in the first room I went in, I found an unconscious, bloody patient on the floor. Rushing out, I braced myself against the door, forcing myself not to run. After a calming moment, I called out to an experienced nurse who knew just what to do. Totally unsettled, she took over. I was saved. Later, she even told me I did a good job. I am still grateful.

Not long after, I was getting a patient ready to go to surgery. I reached under her head to remove a tattered newspaper, assuming she had put it there in confusion. She grabbed my hand with a tight grip, whispering fiercely. “Leave it! That keeps the witches away!” I left it.

Her daughter arrived just as the surgical transport team rolled in. She was bidding her mother good luck as the team moved Mama to the stretcher. One of them reached for the ragged paper just as I had. The daughter shrieked. “Don’t touch it. It keeps the witches away!” She went to surgery with it. I was humbled to realize it held real meaning for them both. I knew nothing of their beliefs but learned they were valid.

It wasn’t long before I got another lesson. I was helping a colleague settle a restless patient after surgery. We changed her gown, whisked soiled bedding into a hamper, and tidied her up in general, thinking she’d be comforted. She became more agitated. Her daughter came in and was horrified. Where’s her prayer cloth? Did you lose Mama’s prayer cloth?” I could tell this was huge. We all got busy searching. The daughter found the prayer cloth on the floor. It was a six-by- six swatch of cotton fabric. It might have been torn from a sheet. I pinned the prayer cloth to her gown. Mama settled down. You can be sure I reported the importance of that prayer cloth to the oncoming shift. Who am I to know the source of comfort?

There all kinds of healing.

Nurse’s Nightmare

Even though I’m long retired I am long retired, I still torment myself with the occasional work anxiety dream. Last night, I treated myself to another.

I found myself back in my unit, desperate over the late start. Once there, instead of the highly trained, caring, and professional staff I expected, I was met by a madhouse of crazed clowns led by Nurse Ratched and the psychotic nurse Annie Wilkes, from the movie, Misery. Patients were lying on the floor, falling out of bed, and dumped into trash cans, arms and legs askew. The macabre nurses blocked me at every turn as I struggled to rescue patients. The unit was littered with feces, blood, and filthy dressings strewn on the floor, a nurse’s worst nightmare.

If that weren’t enough, just as the madness peaked, the CEO of nurses marched in, leading a group from Joint commission of American Hospitals, an unannounced visit to rate our services. I’ve never met any hospital staff who don’t dread this. When I saw their stern faces, I realized I’d forgotten to renew my nursing license. The CEO gestured to an officer. “Book’er Danno”

I was so glad to wake up.

Nurse Jokes

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxver says, “No shots for me.”

The nurse told the new parents of a newborn. “You have a cute baby.” The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the parents.” “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband again asked, “So what do you say to the others?”

“He looks just like you.”

Turkey in the Bra

Most nurses have to work half the holidays.  It’s a fact of life.  That means, you’re also working with a lot less help on those days, not always the best situation.  Patients need the same care as any other day. Since Bud and I were both nurses, we just planned our celebrations around the holiday, not a bad idea, anyway, since our many siblings had other family to visit.   One Thanksgiving, I was the only nurse working in the hemodialysis unit, assisted by a technician.  I made sure my patients knew when they were scheduled, so their family could have an uninterrupted visit, hoping not to cut a family visit short.  It’s a bad idea for a patient to eat a heavy meal before a dialysis treatment, so I always encouraged them to have no more than a light snack, to avoid a vomiting episode.  Patients who eat a large meal are very likely to throw up during their treatment.

The patient I had scheduled for one o’clock just couldn’t resist the delectable Thanksgiving Dinner his family had brought from home.  He had turkey, dressing, green beans, and pecan pie.  After a preliminary conversation and pretreatment assessment, I asked if he’d had a snack before coming.  “Oh yeah, I had a little bite of turkey.”

I got his treatment started and all was well for a few minutes, then the truth came out about his hearty lunch, literally.  He started heaving.  The whole menu was presented, dessert first, since it was on top.  Pecan pie is not appealing the second time around.  Turkey and dressing came up next, followed up by green beans.  He filled his own lap and the blanket covering him, with plenty to spare.  As I cleaned him up and got him into a fresh gown, he served up seconds.  This time it was turkey,  green beans with a few bits of egg.  Fortunately for him, I caught most of it in a towel.  The rest splattered me. He felt much better with his stomach empty and went right to sleep.

I always had extra scrubs in my locker for just such an occasion. While the technician watched the patient, I ducked into the staff bathroom.  I peeled the disgusting clothes off, trying to avoid getting the mess on myself.  I scrubbed myself, but didn’t have a fresh bra.  I swabbed the drenched one the best I could with a washcloth, and put on fresh scrubs over my bra.   I knew I smelled sour, but there was nothing else to be done.

We finished his treatment, uneventfully.  Hours later I got home.  The kids told me I stunk.  The dog agreed.  He couldn’t leave me alone, burning to investigate the intriguing aroma. I couldn’t wait to shower. When I peeled off my bra, turkey and green beans tumbled out.  They’d left an imprint.  Bud was repulsed.  The dog was entranced, gobbling them right up.

Right in the Mouth

I never expected to be the kind of mother who’d hit her sweet child in the mouth but I was, totally unintentionally! I was a registered nurse on call for emergency acute hemodialysis.  One Sunday night, I got a call just about the time the kids were headed to bed.  I told Bud what was up and headed for the car.  Unbeknownst to me, my young son, John, had also heard the call and thought it would be fun to scare me.  Just as I settled in my car for the drive, somebody screamed and grabbed me from behind.  By reflex, I slammed a backhand connecting with teeth.

John yelled for sure that time, as shocked as I was.  He hadn’t taken the fight or flight response into consideration, never expecting his mother to attack.  We both felt awful but I didn’t even have to discuss not pulling that stunt again.

 

 

“Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up!”

Help! I've fallen and I can't get up.

Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

Please don’t read if you are easily offended.  This is nursing humor.

My husband I are both retired RNs so we frequently spot errors in commercials.  The other evening, one of those frequent “Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up!” commercials came on.

Bud watched the poor woman intently for a moment and said, “I know damn good and well she didn’t fall.  She didn’t piss her pants.”

He knows whereof he speaks, having worked on a physical rehab floor for more than twenty years.

Green Bean, Ewwww!

EWWHolidays are rough on people who work in hospitals, since you’re getting by with minimal staff.  One Thanksgiving, I was performing dialysis on a patient not too long after he’d had his traditional Thanksgiving dinner.  I knew exactly what he’d had because he got sick and hurled it me.  By this time, I was a seasoned nurse and always had extra scrubs stowed in my locker.  Without gagging, I brushed off the bigger pieces, swabbed myself with soapy towels, generally sprayed myself with disinfectant, changed clothes, and got back to work, pretty much good as new. Continue reading →

“Do Not Disturb!”

honeymoonHad a hilarious complaint from a patient when I was a nurse.  The doctor came out of a room saying the patient’s wife wanted us to give her a “Do Not Disturb” sign to put on her husband’s door.  We kept disturbing them when they were trying to have sex.  Didn’t take us long to get that sign made.  You can believe they weren’t disturbed any more than necessary!