I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).
I will think of a password for my computer other than “password.”
I will try to figure out why I “really” need 11 e-mail addresses.
I will go into McDonald”s and order a McSpreader
I will go into McDonald”s and order a McSlurry
I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.

Neither Corwin nor Kelvin could be rounded up for this  cousin picture.  They had other fish to fry.Aunt Essie, like all of my aunts, was a wonder of fertility, if not child-rearing acumen.  She had seven of the meanest boys outside Alcatraz.  Thank God, her reproductive equipment gave out before she managed more.  I thought Mother was just exaggerating when she said they’d all end up in jail or dead before they were thirty.  She was wrong.  Only four of

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, “Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?”

The man replies, “It’s a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday.”

The barman remarks, “But it’s Wednesday.”

Sheepishly, the man says, “Man, I must look like a real fool.”

One of my Cousin Kat’s best friends was Don Waters who ran the funeral home.  She needed to go to Mason City to see her eye doctor when Don mentioned he had to make the trip to pick up a body at the airport. Cousin Kat was tight as Dick’s hatband and not a bit squeamish about a little thing like riding with a  body. Turns ou it was Mabel Peter’s Who she’d ridden to work with for over twenty years.  Surely Mabel, dead would be less

When you are dealing with family, it clarifies things to have a scale.  You don’t have to waste time analyzing people when you have a ready reference.  This one works pretty well for us.

1. Has a monogrammed straight jacket and standing reservation on mental ward.
2. Family is likely to move away without leaving forwarding address. Has jail time in the past or the future
3. People say, “Oh, crap. Here comes Johnny.”
4. Can go either way.  Gets by on a good day.  Never has been arrested.  Can be  lots of fun or a real mess. Relatives usually will invite in for coffee.  Likely to have hormone-induced behavior.
5. Regular guy. Holds down a job.  Mostly takes care of business.  Probably not a serial marry-er.  Attends  church when he has to.
6. Good fellow. Almost everybody likes him or her. Volunteers for Habitat for Humanity.  Manages money well enough to retire early.
7. High achiever. …

Throughout my life, I’ve gotten a number of surprising to downright crazy gifts.

1.  Armadillo made of dried manure.

2.  Venus Fy Trap dead.

3.  Yam pralines

4.  Wormy Pecans

5.  Paper Plates

6.  Mens undershirts

7. Hand-embroidered horse head sweatshirt in fluorescent pink

8. Panties with messages printed across the rear:  Hello!  Wanna Be Friends?  Do theses Panties Make My Butt Look Big?

9. Size 6 slippers

10. Moldy homemade Christmas treats.

If you have to exchange gifts at Christmas in large extended families, drawing names is the lesser of two evils.  Fewer tasteless, outrageous gifts tantalize the hopeful.  Desperate relatives save the expense and time spent shopping for hideous gifts that hit the trash or wait to be regifted the next Christmas.

We’d put away all the Christmas decorations weeks before.   We’d finally gotten our eighteen month old, John, to bed after several unsuccessful attempts and had collapsed, totally whipped.  Meanwhile, he’d  been entertaining himself rummaging quietly through a dresser drawer we’d thought inaccessible.  After a few minutes, he toddled into the living room victorious dragging garland, an ornament in each hand, announcing, “Santa Claus is coming to town.  I’ll be damned!”