Tragically, three pastors and their wives were killed in a crash on the way home from a conference. They found themselves standing before Saint Peter. Saint Peter addressed the first pastor as he looked in his book.
“Well, I see here you lived a pretty good life. You worked hard for your church. You were faithful, but there’s one thing I need to look into further. Your love of money got in your way. In fact, you loved money so much you even married a woman named Penny. Just have a seat over there while I do a little more checking.”
The second pastor came forward. Saint Peter addressed him. “You were a faithful pastor. You served well except for one flaw. Your love of alcohol caused you some problems. You loved alcohol so much, you even married a woman named Sherry. Have a seat over there while I do some balancing.”
The third pastor turned to his wife. “Come on Fanny. There’s no use in us even getting in line.”
Tragically, three pastors and their wives were killed in a crash on the way home from a conference. They found themselves standing before Saint Peter. Saint Peter addressed the first pastor as he looked in his book.
“Well, I see here you lived a pretty good life. You worked hard for your church. You were faithful, but there’s one thing I need to look into further. Your love of money got in your way. In fact, you loved money so much you even married a woman named Penny. Just have a seat over there while I do a little more checking.”
The second pastor came forward. Saint Peter addressed him. “You were a faithful pastor. You served well except for one flaw. Your love of alcohol caused you some problems. You loved alcohol so much, you even married a woman named Sherry. Have a seat over there while I do some balancing.”
The third pastor turned to his wife. “Come on Fanny. There’s no use in us even getting in line.”
“Is he tired of me already? What did I do wrong? Is he going to leave me. Do I want a man who drinks and gambles? Decent men don’t act like this! What have I gotten myself into? …and his brothers? They’re awful! I wouldn’t trust that Edward as far as I could throw him. Parnell isn’t even ashamed he’s running around on his wife and blowing his pay on a trashy woman while his mama’s taking care of his wife and kids. That’s just lowdown.” For the first of many times, she berated herself for her hasty marriage. “Was it too late to get out? How do you even get a marriage annulled? Mama and Daddy didn’t even know she was married yet! How could she face them after making such a mess of her life? If only he hadn’t walked into the cafe and flirted with her. Why hadn’t Annie told her to wait a while?”
As if once wasn’t enough, she castigated herself over and over, giving into weeping between each round. Aimlessly, she tried to divert herself by reading a murder mystery, doing her nails, and putting her hair in pin curls. So far, Bill hadn’t seen her hair pinned up, but what did it matter now? She tiptoed down to the kitchen to return the coffee cups and bumped into Mrs. Martin. Humiliated by her swollen eyes and pin curls, she tried to duck out. Mrs. Martin stopped her. “I know them boys is up there playing poker. They better not forget tomorrow’s rent day. Bill owes me for two weeks.”
She was horrified! He took their last money to gamble and was behind on rent! What kind of mess had she gotten herself into? Before going upstairs, she listened outside out the door where they were playing. She heard a man’s voice, “No you ain’t quitting yet!You got to give me a chance to win my money back!”
“Was that Bill?” She couldn’t tell. Miserably, she crept up to her room and to bed. After an eternity, she slept. About two am, the light awoke her. Bill was in an expensive mood. He hugged her and spread his winnings out on the bed.
” Look at this, Sweetheart! I won more than a hundred dollars. It’s more than enough to settle the rent and buy you something pretty.We’ll go get you a new dress Saturday and then go see your Mama and Daddy . I want them to know I can take care of my wife.”
Kathleen’s troubles melted away in her handsome husband’s arms. How could she have doubted him? She was a lucky woman!
Mother is scrupulous about paying her tithe. On the last Sunday before January 1st, she was dressing for church and found $300 in her underwear drawer. “Oh, I must have been saving this for my tithe!” Tucking it in her purse, she dropped it in the offering plate as it passed. Almost immediately, she remembered she’d been saving for a new floor but it was too late to grab it back. She didn’t have all bad luck with the offering, though. One Sunday, she made change for a large bill when the plate was passed and came out $20 ahead. I never did believe that was a mistake. She wanted me to take her by Thrifty Liquor one Saturday. Since she is a rabid teetotaler, I had to know why. “They have the cheapest money orders in town. I always get my offering money order there” Mother believes in watching her pennies. I offered to go in and get it for her.
“Look at this, Mother! Mr. Thrifty is printed on here as big as Dallas! They’re going to think you’re one of those drinking Baptists!”
Of course I told my family. “ My nephew is a minister. Mother frequently attends his church and is well-known to his congregation. He acknowledged her attendance but turned to the ushers as they passed the offering plate,”I’m proud to have my grandmother here, but don’t let her get her hands on the offering plate.”
That’s not the last of her indiscretions. I was talking to her one Sunday as she changed clothes after church. “Well, where’s my bra? I can’t find bra!”
I acted disgusted. “Mother, I’ll bet you left it it the back seat of the deacon’s car again!” She didn’t deny it.
In the unlikely event I’ve not mentioned this before, I was raised Southern Baptist in Louisiana back in the fifties. That theology would pretty much pass for Christian Evangelical now, not to mention the “What will the neighbors think?” factor. No drinking, dancing, or provocative dress such as short or tight skirts, shorts, or swimsuits for women or girls. Most church members gave lip service to the rules and went on their way, but my Dad fervently embraced any rule that backed him up in rendering his daughter’s lives joyless.
Fortunately, it wasn’t one of those extreme cults that required long hair, dresses for girls, and no makeup, a fact I was truly thankful for. I soon understood that most sin resulted from trashy women leading men astray since “boys will be boys.” The subject of sex was off limits, except in sermons with scriptures and admonitions against fornication and iniquity, which flew way over my head as a young child. After a tentative question or two that seemed headed toward sex, I learned “That’s none of your business.” That was wildly incongruous coupled with the admonition we could talk to our parents about anything. I soon learned any question had consequences. By the time I actually garnered any true information about sex, I had amassed a fascinating compendium of misinformation from my friends, who were as clueless as I.
Way too many times, Mother rushed to turn the television off if it appeared a woman was about to go into labor. Should Red Skelton get too risque, the screen went black, which was a real shame, since we had no idea what he was referring to. The point was, anything suggesting sex was a sin. That promiscuous laboring woman and the evil Red Skelton had to be censured.
Fun was suspect, particularly fun not experienced and executed under the watchful eyes of a parent or stuffy chaperone at the youth group. I soon learned it was a sin to even ask about attending a dance or the school’s end of year party at the lake. “Don’t you have any morals?”
I knew better than to give a truthful response, “uh…..no. I just want to go the party or go swimming with the other kids.”
Nubile girls parading around in the modest swimsuits of the sixties was sure to incite uncontrollable lust in the hearts of schoolboys. Hayrides were pure iniquity. Imagine carelessly throwing boys and girls together to ride around on a wagon full of hay after dark unleashing their devilish hormones!
Between the two of us, Billy and I complained bitterly about having to march in like a row of ducks to line the pew every Sunday. No other kids our age sat with their parents. We looked like real doofuses. It was a social disaster. Finally, I decided I’d have to work up the nerve to ask permission to sit somewhere else. After the super ball incident, there was no way Billy would ever bring up that topic again. I knew I had to approach the subject delicately or there would be big trouble. At our house, a question could reap consequences as serious as an actual sin. It showed intent. I suppose it followed the same principle as “having lust in your heart.” Not only that, but whenever Daddy got news that a neighborhood kid had done something horrible, We got a preemptive lecture, just because. “Your FRIEND, Eddie, was smoking and burned down the preacher’s barn last night. THAT’s why I don’t let you …….”. It didn’t matter that I’d never spoken two words to Eddie and despised smoking, only Daddy’s total dedication to lecturing and haranguing kept me on the straight and narrow. But for his rigid control, I’d have been smoking, drinking, and fornicating on the back pew every Sunday.
Not knowing how to broach the subject, one Sunday morning, I revolted. Instead of following Daddy into pew three, I brazenly slid into pew four, right behind him. Billy followed me. The sky didn’t fall. Lightening didn’t strike. The world kept spinning on its axis. Daddy just turned and gave me a warning look, but I could tell I’d won my prize.
I pondered my victory in my heart as I sat smugly in pew four. I found out that day, God has a sense of humor. When we stood for a hymn, Daddy had a wedgie. Have you ever had to spend time in church standing behind someone with a wedgie? I experienced eternity that day as Daddy stood right in front of me with a wedgie. Billy and I looked desperately back and forth at each other each time Daddy and his wedgie stood. I thought about reaching up and pulling it out, but feared there might be a Biblical injunction against it. “Thou shalt not unwedge thy father’s wedgie!” I might be turned into a pillar of salt.
I spent the next three years trying not to see Daddy’s wedgie as he stood in the pew ahead of me ever Sunday.
Tragically, three pastors and their wives were killed in a crash on the way home from a conference. They found themselves standing before Saint Peter. Saint Peter addressed the first pastor as he looked in his book.
“Well, I see here you lived a pretty good life. You worked hard for your church. You were faithful, but there’s one thing I need to look into further. Your love of money got in your way. In fact, you loved money so much you even married a woman named Penny. Just have a seat over there while I do a little more checking.”
The second pastor came forward. Saint Peter addressed him. “You were a faithful pastor. You served well except for one flaw. Your love of alcohol caused you some problems. You loved alcohol so much, you even married a woman named Sherry. Have a seat over there while I do some balancing.”
The third pastor turned to his wife. “Come on Fanny. There’s no use in us even getting in line.”
Tragically, three pastors and their wives were killed in a crash on the way home from a conference. They found themselves standing before Saint Peter. Saint Peter addressed the first pastor as he looked in his book. Continue reading →
Daddy was “the Boss.” God put him in charge, so we didn’t have to worry about what God wanted. If we had any questions, we could go straight to Daddy. He always had a Bible verse at the ready to back him up, if needed. Most of them sounded suspiciously-freshly coined and self-serving, lacking book, chapter, and verse, Continue reading →
Nutsrok 