Storytelling

Fouled Flight Fun: The Unforgettable Snowball Escapade

Image courtesy of Pixabay

Had I met Snowball under different circumstances, I’m sure I would have found her adorable.  Sadly for our friendship, I met her on a crowded plane.  I heard about her before I saw her, listening  in on the conversation between the two passengers sitting between me and the aisle.

”Snowball never pooped when I put her down on her pee pee pad in the bathroom.  I know she has to go by now.”  Ms. Bozo worried as she crowded me closer to the window.

”She’ll be fine.  We can’t do anything about that now.” Mr. Bozo replied, placidly.

”I think you need to take her to the lavatory and put her down on a pad.”  Ms. Bozo insisted.  “I gave her a little laxative last night so she’d go this morning. She never did.   We don’t want her getting constipated again.  You remember what happened last time.”  That sounded ominous.

“I told you not to do that!” Mr. Bozo grouched. “You know how that works her.”  He got up and struggled to pull Snowflake’s carrier from under Ms. Bozo’s seat.  Ms. Bozo unzipped the opening and peeked in at Little Snowball.  The smell was bad news.  Desperate to escape the fetid air in the carrier, Snowball leapt to freedom, smearing Mr. and Ms. Bozo with feces on her way.  Snowball no longer looked snowy.  Ms. Bozo squealed and Bozo roared.  Snowball sprinted down the aisle, ducking between passenger’s feet, the stewardess in pursuit.

”Don’t hurt her!  She’s scared!” Shrieked Ms. Bozo.  “Snowball, come back to Mama!  Snowball! Snowball!

That Snowball could run. Darting in and out among the legs of the other passengers, she left a little of herself all along the way.   She got by Bozo and the stewardess several times.  Eventually  she was recaptured, looking much cleaner, courtesy of hapless passengers’ legs. Ms. Bozo tidied her up in the lavatory, so Snowball was in better shape than her disgruntled new acquaintance who took turns sponging off in the lavatory,.  They clearly held a grudge.

Soon, a miasma from Snowball’s befouled carrier beneath the seat began to reek. As the odor recirculated through the cabin, only the Bozos failed to notice.  Even after the stewardess had them stuff it in a garbage bag, the smell spread,  even crossing the curtain into first class.

It was not the best flight I ever had.

 

 

Hiss in the Dark

Late one night, my son was in the garage unlocking the back door without turning the light on. He heard the cat eating, so reached down to pet her.  He was rewarded with a horrible hiss. Flipping the light on, he found he’d disturbed a mother possom, with numerous babies on board, dining at the cat’s bowl.  Snatching his hand backhe found it nasty and greasy.  It appeared the possom was still filthy from feeding on roadkill.  He insisted, though he washed over and over, he couldn’t get the odor off.  Oh, the babies hissed,too.

Mixed Nuts Part 2

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This is a repeat of a popular post from my first blogging days.  Please be patient if you remember it.

When you are dealing with family, it clarifies things to have a scale. You don’t have to waste time analyzing people when you have a ready reference. This one works pretty well for us.

1.Has a monogrammed straight jacket and standing reservation on mental ward.

2.Family is likely to move away without leaving forwarding address. Has jail time in the past or the future

3.People say, “Oh, crap. Here comes Johnny.”

4.Can go either way. Gets by on a good day. Never has been arrested. Can be lots of fun or a real mess. Relatives usually will invite in for coffee. Likely to have hormone-induced behavior.

5.Regular guy. Holds down a job. Mostly takes care of business. Probably not a serial marry-er. Attends church when he has to.

6.Good fellow. Almost everybody likes him or her. Volunteers for Habitat for Humanity. Manages money well enough to retire early.

7.High achiever. Business is in order. Serves on city council.

8.Looks too good to be true. What’s really going on?

9.Over-achiever. Affairs are in order. Solid citizen. Dull, dull, dull. Could end up as a 1

My family is as much a mixed bag of nuts as any. As a kid, I was most fascinated by the ones on the fringes. My favorite was Uncle Chester, not because he was friendly, funny, or even seemed to notice me, but because he was the first solid #3 of my acquaintance. (Family likely to move away without leaving forwarding address. Has jail time in past or future.) As a young man in the depression, he started out as a moonshiner and petty criminal, lounging a bit in local jails. He never really hit the big time and made the Federal Penitentiary till he got caught counterfeiting quarters. His technique was sloppy and his product unpolished. He was fortunate in getting caught red-handed passing his ugly quarters. In 1941 he was sent up to Fort Leavenworth for some higher education where he made good use of his time by apprenticing himself to a cellmate who was doing time for making twenty-dollar bills.

Aunt Jenny #5 (Can go either way. Gets by on a good day. Never been arrested. Can be lots of fun or a real mess. Relatives usually will invite in for coffee. Likely to have hormone-induced behavior.) was short-sighted about Uncle Chester’s situation and ditched him while he was imprisoned, but realized she still loved him when he came home with his enhanced earning capacity. They let bygones be bygones, got back together, and had three lovely children. Their eldest son Lynn and daughter Sue were solid #7s from the start. (Good fellows. Almost everybody likes him or her. Volunteers for Habitat for Humanity. Manages money well enough to retire early.) Uncle Chester was perfectly willing to give Lynn a good start in business, but Lynn was ungrateful, distanced himself from his father’s dealings, joined the military, and avoided the family business altogether, even seeming to resent his father. One Sunday dinner, when Uncle Chester was dropping names of the interesting people he had been in jail with at various times, Lynn rudely interrupted, “Daddy, you’ve been in jail with everybody at one time or another.” Uncle Chester did step up and keep Cousin Lynn from making a mistake. Lynn came home on leave from the military and met a girl he wanted to marry; love at first sight. She was a pretty as a spotted puppy and even she noticed how much she looked like his sister Sue.  Uncle Chester got her off to the side and asked a few questions about her mama and daddy and where she was raised. He was waiting up for Lynn to get home. “Son, I sure hope things ain’t gone too far. I hate it, but you can’t marry that li’l old gal. She looks just like her Mama did when we was running around together. There’s a real good reason she looks just like yore sister Sue, a real good reason.”

By the fifties, Uncle Chester had branched out a little. He did a little research and decided lawsuits paid well and weren’t too much work. He captured some bees, applied them to his leg. When his leg was good and swollen, he got his buddy to drop him off downtown at a trolley stop. As the trolley approached, Uncle Chester carefully stumbled into the path of the trolley, suffering a knee injury in front of numerous witnesses. He collapsed to the ground, moaning and groaning. Suffering terribly, he was transported and treated at the hospital. Now Uncle Chester was set with a fifty-thousand dollar settlement, a tidy sum for that time.

Their daughter Susie turned out real well, became a teacher, and married a Baptist Preacher, lending Uncle Chester a much appreciated touch of respectability. Uncle Chester and Aunt Jenny were very generous toward her church, and the legitimacy of their donations was never questioned. Sadly, many years later Susie’s daughter a bona fide #3, embarrassed them all by stealing from her employer.

Ross, Uncle Chester’s youngest son, was also a gifted #3 (Family likely to move away without leaving forwarding address. Has jail time in past or future) followed in Uncle Chester’s footsteps. He dabbled in moonshine, petty crime, and scams but just never rose to Uncle Chester’s level. He initiated a few crooked lawsuits but lacked the brain power and organization to pull bigger things off. All went well till he got too big for his britches and tried setting up business in Texas. When he got caught moonshining in someone else’s territory, he called the old man for help. Uncle Chester had to admit, “I’m sorry son, but I can’t do a thing for you. I don’t have any influence with the law out there.” Uncle Chester felt bad about one of his boys getting in trouble till the day he died,” but sometimes you just have to let kids make their own mistakes.”

Aunt Jenny was stingy. You would think she got her money in the usual way. Or maybe she just got tired of hearing Uncle Chester complain how hard it was to make money.  She even made her own mother pay for a ride to the grocery store. When Maw Maw won some groceries in a weekly contest,  she had to share with Aunt Jenny since she hitched a ride to the grocery store every week. Aunt Jenny sold eggs and tomatoes and charged Maw Maw the same as everyone else.

When Aunt Jenny got older, she got dentures. She liked them so well she saved them for special occasions. She wore them when she had ladies over for coffee, church, and Sunday dinner. Being toothless didn’t hold her back a bit. She could take a bite off an apple as well as anyone and could have won a fried chicken eating contest hands down.

Messy

Bud spilled sausage gravy on his favorite shirt this morning. That made such a nice spot he coughed up a big gob next to it. I told him he was on such a roll he ought to just go ahead and see how many stains he could manage. It’s sitting on washer now pretreating before washing. .

COWBOY JOKES

From saloons to spurs to health insurance – here is a fun mix of cowboy humor from the comical elves of North Pole West.

 Saloon

A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon. However, when he’s finished his drink, he walks out to find his horse has been stolen. The cowboy walks back into the bar, loosens his guns in their holsters and says, ‘I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas.’ The cowboy has his drink and goes out to find his horse is back where he left it. The bartender calls out after him, ‘Hey partner, what exactly did happen in Texas?’ The cowboy says, ‘I had to walk home!’

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are caught in an ambush. ‘Indians ahead of us! Indians behind us! And Indians on both sides!’ shouts the Lone Ranger. ‘Well, Tonto, old friend, it looks like we’re done for!’ Tonto looks at him and says, ‘What you mean… “We”?’

Shoes

Visitor: Wow, you have a lot of flies buzzing round your horses and cows. Do you ever shoo them?

Cowboy: No we just let them go barefoot.

Health Insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.”Ever have an accident?””Nope, nary a one.””None? You’ve never had any accidents.””Nope. Ain’t never had one. Never.””Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?””Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”

A  horseman went into a saddlers shop and asked for one spur. “One spur?” asked the saddler. “Surely you mean a pair of spurs, sir?” “No, just one,” replied the horseman. “If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it!”

Prospector

A prospector in the Wild West is crossing the mountains in a horse and wagon. With him is his daughter and $10,000 in cash. Suddenly the pair are stopped by a bandit who searches the wagon then rides off with it. ‘Dang it!’ says the prospector. ‘There goes my $10,000!’ ‘No, Pa,’ says his daughter. ‘Look. I managed to hide the money in my mouth.’ ‘Jeepers!’ says the prospector. ‘If only your Ma was here we could have saved the horse and wagon too!’

Saloon 2

An old cowboy goes to a bar and orders a drink. As he sits sipping his whiskey, a young lady sits down next to him. ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ she asks. He replies, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am.’ The woman says, ‘Well I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV or eat, I think of women. In fact everything seems to make me think of women.’ The woman leaves and a little while later a man sits down next to the old cowboy. ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ asks the man. The cowboy replies, ‘Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

The Attack

An army fort in the Wild West is about to be attacked by renegades. The captain sends for his trustiest Indian scout. ‘Use all your tracking skills to estimate the sort of war party we’re up against,’ orders the captain. The scout lays down and put his ear to the ground. ‘Big war party,’ he says. ‘One hundred braves in warpaint. Two chiefs, one on a black horse, one on a white mare. Also a medicine man with a limp.’ ‘Good God!’ exclaims the captain. ‘You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?’ ‘No, sir,’ replies the scout. ‘I’m looking under the gate.’

Cowboy Boots

A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!”

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Aitn’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”

“Don’t be flattered,” the woman replied. “Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

Cowboy Boots 2

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘ notice anything different about me’? Margaret looked him over. “Nope’. Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘ Notice anything different NOW’? Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’ Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? ‘ Nope’, she replied. IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!!!!
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‘ Shoulda bought a hat Bert, shoulda bought a hat.

Footloose and Fancy Free(Part 4)

 

Inez was good company, but didn’t worry much about germs. It kind of bothered Mother when she wiped the baby’s nose with the dish towel and then put it back in the dish pan. After that Mother told Inez not to bother with the dishes. She knew Inez was tired and needed a nap. Mother didn’t like it much when she let the twins run around without diapers, either. Inez did pick up the piles, most of the time, but left the little puddles. There were just so many of them. Mother was glad to see them go home. Inez just couldn’t keep up with all those kids.

When Inez’s Mama died, they moved into her house. I don’t think we ever saw them but about once more. The school board offered Inez her mama’s school bus route. Inez jumped at the chance, knowing she wouldn’t have Mama to depend on anymore. Bobo took the big kids fishing while Inez and the babies ran the bus route. It wasn’t too long before he got to slipping off without the kids. He’d gotten acquainted with the trashy little gal whose Daddy ran the bait stand. She was about fifteen and had giant bosoms, just like Inez had had, about six kids and eight years ago. Dazzled by all that breastiness, he took off with her, forgetting all about Inez and the kids. We never saw any of them again.

Mixed Nuts Part 1

imageThis is a repost of one of my favorite posts about my eccentric family. I posted it when my blog was new, so many of my readers haven’t seen it.  Enjoy!  If you’ve read it, please be patient.

When you are dealing with family, it clarifies things to have a scale. You don’t have to waste time analyzing people when you have a ready reference. This one works pretty well for my family.

1.Has a monogrammed straight jacket and standing reservation on mental ward.

2.Family is likely to move away without leaving forwarding address. Has jail time in the past or the future

3.People say, “Oh, crap. Here comes Johnny.”

4.Person can  go either way. Gets by on a good day. Never has been arrested. Can be lots of fun or a real mess. Relatives usually will invite in for coffee. Likely to have hormone-induced behavior.

5.Regular guy. Holds down a job. Mostly takes care of business. Probably not a serial marrier. Attends church when he has to.

6.Good fellow. Almost everybody likes him or her. Volunteers for Habitat for Humanity. Manages money well enough to retire early.

7.High achiever. Business is in order. Serves on city council.

8.Looks too good to be true. What’s really going on?

9.Over-achiever. Affairs are in order. Solid citizen. Dull, dull, dull. Could end up as a 1

Instead of saying, “Uncle Henry’s a pretty good guy, but sometimes he goes off the deep end, you could say, ‘He’s a usually about a 6 but he was a little 4-ish after Aunt Lou took his new truck and ran off with his brother’.” Or…

“Why in the world did Betty marry him? He was a jerk to her when she was married to his daddy.”

“Well, you know she’s a 5.”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.” Or…

“You set the house on fire trying to dry your underwear in the oven?? What in the hell were you thinking?? And you call yourself a 6?”

“Look, you know darn well I’m a 6. It just seemed like a good idea. Appliances should be multifunctional. I’ve seen you pull a 2 lot of times and never threw it up to you. It could happen to anyone.” Or…

“You forgot and put the turnip greens through the spin cycle and now the washing machine drain is stopped up! I’m not even going to ask you what turnip greens were doing in the washing machine! You’re a 2 if I ever saw one. Your mama and sisters are 2′s, too!! Did you put the beans in the dishwasher, too, while you were at it?”

“No, I’m not an idiot. You cook beans on the stove. I put my rolls in the dishwasher to rise.”

Our family reunions are an eclectic mix of mostly 5′s who can tip into categories 4 and 6 when pressed.  Most are fairly regular folks, seasoned with a picante’ dash of street-corner preachers, nude airport racers, and folks who are just interesting in general. We have a couple of 7′s thrown in, reminders of what we could do if we tried. A person’s position on the social ladder is likely to be greatly influenced by his company or partner. For instance, if a submissive #5 marries a dominant #7, it is likely he or she will benefit. If the lower number Is dominant, not so much.

I was comfortable growing up in this eccentric milieu in the 1950’s. While I gave lip service to my parents’ goal of strict respectability, I enjoyed a ringside seat to periodic lunacy. It also justified my lapses. It ran it the family! And no matter how disappointed my parents might be when I messed up, at least I hadn’t been caught naked in traffic yet.

When considering parenthood, most people entertain hormone-tinged delusions, imagining their children as cute, well-behaved, athletic, and smart. We gaze fondly at our partners imagining a baby with his blue eyes, her sweet smile when’s we should have looked a little closer at Grandpa’s buck teeth or Grandma’s frizzy hair. Even better, this baby is just as likely to inherit genes from a great-great grandpa, the horse thief, as from Grandpa John, the Pulitzer Prize Winner. The baby might look a lot more like Aunt Fanny, the lady wrestler, than its pretty mama. A better plan would probably be to put all babies in a lottery at birth, so parents could credit their lumps to bad luck and the joys to good parenting for the next twenty-one years. The kids would definitely appreciate it.

(to be continued)

Footloose and Fancy Free (Part 3)

breastBobo’s old truck rattled in one Saturday about four. White-headed kids in overalls piled out of the back, their bare feet kicking up a dust. Fishing poles dangled out of the truck bed. Grinning, Bobo slung a stringer of bream over his shoulder. Inez slid out of the front seat, wagging a newborn and helping her twin toddlers slide to the ground. One was diapered,one not. She laughed, explaining, “His britches stunk too bad for the front. Sometimes that busted glass works out purty good! The kids in the back didn’t care nohow long as the truck was a’movin’.”

While Daddy and Bobo cleaned the fish, Mother and Inez peeled potatoes. Long before the days of paper plates, we had to make do. The bigger kids got to sit on the kitchen floor with pie plates. Fried fish and French-fries were finger food. Toddlers sat at the table next to their mamas. As the adults started eating, I was amazed when Inez casually pulled out an enormous breast. Her baby rooted and snapped it up. I’d never seen anything so shocking. Mother was so modest, she triple-locked the bathroom door. I’d never even seen her in her panties. My mouth flew open, “Mother, that baby’s eatin’ its Mama!”

Now, Nobody Loves Me

My little niece Jenny got some quality time with scissors. She walked into the room holding a long lock of freshly shorn hair. She’d sheared her waist-length hair into a jagged mess right above the ear. Shocked, my sister burst into tears and fled the room. Following her mother’s lead, Chelsea, her little sister wailed and ran. Turning to her dad, Jenny wept and said, “I cut my hair and now, now nobody loves me!”