Storytelling

Yard Cartoons

Cool Mom for One Moment in Time

From the time my kids were preteens, either Bud or I stopped off a couple of afternoons to stock up the pantry. It seemed we were always low on fruit, milk, bread, and snacks. We encouraged our kids to stay home, meaning other kids hung out there. I rarely met a satiated kid.

One afternoon, I noticed some lemonade drinks that looked appealing. I picked up a couple of cartons, thinking the kids might enjoy them. Boy, was I right. They barely hit the fridge before the kids broke into them. I got busy with laundry or some other tasks while starting dinner. Before long, my kids were having a fine time, laughing and almost acting like friends. When John made a trip to the kitchen and asked his sister if she wanted him to bring her another, I knew something was off. Upon investigation, I found out the truth about California Coolers and really messed things up for them.

Working Things Out With Chris

Chris and Frogs0002
original art by Kathleen Holdaway Swain

Chris was the meanest kid around.  He threw rocks, kicked his dog, stole lunch money out of desks, broke in line for lunch, and was sassy to the teacher.  He had a giant pile of sand in his yard and dared anyone come near it.  All the kids avoided him.

This was a problem for me and my brother Billy when Mother visited Miss Alice, Chris’s next door neighbor. We sure didn’t want him to spot us so we always played in the far side of her shady yard.  One day, we were making villages of stick houses with mossy fields and sandy tracks for roads when, out of nowhere, POW!!  A rock popped me on the head, knocking me goofy.  When I quit seeing stars, I heard Chris laughing, “Ha!  Made you look!”

Look nothing!!  He nearly made me dead!! We jumped up and chased him, but he left us in his dust, fuming!  We had to come up with a plan to get that creep.  We puzzled and plotted the rest of the day.  He was the biggest, fastest, meanest bully around, so we’d have to outsmart him.  We decided to spy on him the next time Mother went to visit Miss Alice. 

We got our big chance the next day.  He glared when we went in her gate, just waiting to torture us.   The ladies decided to drink their tea in the backyard.  Even Chris knew he couldn’t  us get at us with adults around, so he skulked back to his own yard and kicked at his dog to cheer himself up.   We lay on our stomachs and crawled into the bushes to spy on him as he stomped over to where his mother was working in her flower bed.

Chris was even mean to his mother.  He sassed her when she told him to help, stepped on her flowers, sprayed the cat with water, and kicked over the flower pots.  Suddenly, he went crazy jumping and screaming.  When she finally caught up with him, she said, “Chris, it’s nothing but a little bitty frog!!!  He can’t hurt you!! Just stay still and I’ll get him. I don’t know why you’re so scared of a little bitty frog.”

That big bully was bawling like a baby.  “Get him off! Get him off!  Get him off!!! I hate frogs!” We had our plan!

We headed to the pond and collected a few frogs as soon as we got home.  The next morning at school I slipped in to the class room and got to work hiding frogs.  I put a couple in Chris’s desk, a couple in his pencil box, and slipped a really nice one in the pocket of the jacket hanging on the back of his desk.  I barely finished before the first bell rang.  Chris strolled in after the last bell.  All I had to do now was wait.  I did wish Billy could be here for the fun.

The frogs stayed quiet as we all settled down.  I kept waiting for the fun to start.  After a while, I got involved in a story the teacher was reading and forgot about the frogs.  That’s when it happened.   “Ribbitt!  Ribbitt!  Ribbitt!”   We all started giggling.

“Who did that?”  Miz McZumley was not amused.

“Ribbitt!!  Ribbitt!!”  Kids guffawed!  The class was out of control.

Miz McZumley whacked her ruler down on her desk.  “That does it!  Storytime is over!  Get out your pencils and workbooks.”

You can imagine what happened next.  Two fine frogs jumped out of Chris’s desk.  He screamed and ran in place.  The whole class was hysterical as they chased frogs.  The teacher was furious at Chris for bringing frogs to class.  He blubbered a pathetic defense “I didn’t!! I didn’t! I hate frogs!”  Two more frogs jumped out of his desk, looking for their buddies.

“Then where did all these frogs come from?”  She wasn’t convinced.  Chris got paddled and was sentenced to pick up trash at recess.  I couldn’t wait for him to put on his jacket!!!  My bully problems were over.  There were going to be a lot of frogs in Chris’s future.

 

Ten Things I Know for Certain

1. The sun came up.

2. Bud is up. I heard breaking glass in bathroom and he came through looking for broom and dustpan.

3. My big dog was hungry. He gobbled every bite of dogfood.

4. We need to pick up branches in the yard. Bud cleared out around trees.

5. It’s going to be hot today. It’s July in Louisiana.

6. We will want to eat today.

7. Bud is going for his banjo. There will be music.

8. My plants want water. Again, it’s July in Louisiana.

9. I will fold laundry. The dryer just beeped.

10. Life at my house is simple but good.

Rattlesnakes, Bullfrogs, and Saran Wrap

imageBud really took offense with Bubba, his college suitemate just because Bubba was trying to pick up a little easy money.  It seems Bubba’s biology professor paid five dollars apiece for snakes.  One Sunday evening, Bubba came back from a trip home and tossed a burlap bed under his bunk and went on his merry way.  After a while, his roommate heard rattling, investigated, and found a sack full of rattlesnakes.  Bubba was rounded up and he and his snakes were evicted.

The roommate and the suitemates felt a little payback was in order.  The next night, they rounded up a bullfrog and left it in a bag under his bunk.  As soon as the lights went out, the frog started croaking.  In case that wasn’t enough, one of them stretched Saran Wrap tightly across the toilet so Bubba got a shower when he went to pee.

It got ugly after that!

Consequences

A straightforward, impressive woman, Eva was a CPA working for a prestigious business firm in Washington DC. Her husband Charles was a CPA for the federal government. Together, they had built an enviable life including a beautiful home in the suburbs with five children. A nanny/housekeeper cared for their home and children.

Things went well for about fifteen years until an audit revealed that Eva had been doing a bit creative bookkeeping. When it all unraveled, Eva was given the choice of prosecution or repayment. As you would expect from someone who was embezzling, Eva and Charles had no cash reserves.

They sold their house. Charles borrowed from his retirement and both cashed in their whole life insurance. By hook or crook, Eva was able to repay what she’d stolen and avoid prison. Of course, she lost her CPA credentials. Charles’s job was unaffected.

They took the last of their meager funds and bought a tent which they pitched in a national park. Along with their children, they crowded into the tent with their business clothes. Eva got another job in business, though not as a CPA.

Every morning, the family dressed in the bath house at the park and headed off to work and school. The kids caught the bus at the park entrance. They lived this way for six months until they managed to save up for an apartment. They had to move their tent every two weeks to meet park requirements. The kids rather liked the perpetual camping though Eva and Charles were heartily glad to get a roof over their heads again.

Despite their setbacks, the couple managed to stay together till most of their children were grown, eventually divorcing for some other reason. When I knew Eva, she was in her sixties and my children’s summer caregiver. I was thoroughly surprised when she told me this story and often wondered how her story played out afterwards.

Ok Jokes

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, “Number twelve!” The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “Number four!” Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what’s going on. “Well,” says the older prisoner, “we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke.”

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, “Number six!” There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t I get any laughs?”

“Well,” said the older man, “sometimes it’s not the joke, but how you tell it.”

funny jokes for the office 

  1. What’s the best thing about teamwork?Someone else to blame. 
  2. What kind of award does the world’s top dentist get? A little plaque. 
  3. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.  
  4. Why do I drink coffee? I like to do stupid things faster and with more energy. 
  5. What’s it called when you steal somebody’s coffee? A mugging. 
  6. What does a baby computer call his father?Data 
  7. What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market? Start off with a big fortune. 
  8. Why did the computer sneeze? It had a virus. 
  9. How do you tell if an accountant is an extrovert? If he looks at your shoes when he talks to you instead of his own.  
  10. What does a gossiping coffee do? Spill the beans. 
  11. You know what can really ruin a Friday?Remembering it’s Thursday. 
  12. What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga like in her coffee? Raw raw raw raw raw. 
  13. Why can you never trust spiders? Because they post stuff on the web. 
  14. What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer? The space bar. 
  15. How does a coffee snob take their coffee?Seriously. Very seriously.  
  16. How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that’s a hardware issue. 
  17. Who wins in a fight between Sunday and Monday? Sunday, because Monday is a weekday.  
  18. How do construction workers party? They raise the roof! 
  19. What is the best way to criticize your boss?Very quietly, so he cannot hear you. 
  20. What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer. 

Porch Party

Several years ago while visiting with my daughter,I bonded with her appealing cat. Thinking he’d enjoy a treat, when next I was out and about, I brought home and potted a lush catnip plant. Upon learning he’d already had catnip and vomited profusely. I had to reclaim my gift. I put it on the front porch, out of his “inside cat” territory. My room was adjacent to the front porch. About midnight, I heard an uproar. It sounded like a convention of Shriners. The neighborhood cats were partying. When I got up the next morning, all that remained was a shattered pot, soil, and shreds of catnip from one end of the porch to the other.

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Lighthearted Moment

This is my paternal grandmother, Mettie Martha Knight Swain. I never knew her to look this lighthearted. With forty-one grandchildren, she probably had PTSD from bad kids since she usually lived with her fertile daughters.