Storytelling

Louie Gets Help Part 2

Boogereater’s mama scooped up her wormy-looking five-year-old and hefted herself into the front seat of Mother’s car. Though they were neighbors, the two women had never been friends. Mrs. Rick was a wild-haired harridan whose dirty children ran wild until long after dark and caused general turmoil in the neighborhood by leaving water-hoses running, gates open, and throwing rocks at cars. Boogerseater’s older brother had even been caught stealing cigarettes out of one house. Mrs. Rick’s attitude implied Mother had been negligent in allowing Boogereater access to her gas tank.

Furthermore, Mother was furious at having to leave her toddler out of pocket to take them to the doctor. The three miles to town seemed endless as Mother fretted over her misplaced baby. After a lifetime, they reached the doctor’s office. Mrs. Rick unloaded her floppy boy, rushing in. She didn’t even close the car door behind herself, leaving Mother to get out and close it, wasting even more time.

Naturally, Mother made a bee-line for home, very nearly speeding a time or two. A very timid driver, she never exceeded twenty-five miles per hour. Vacillating between fury and preparatory grief, she was held up by a train of sixty-seven cars about a quarter of a mile from home.

After a lifetime, she pulled into her driveway to be met by Louie and a bevy of neighborhood kids. The kids rushed up to the car, demanding to know “Is he dead? Is he dead?”

She had to work her way around Louie, who stood his ground. “Boy’s done dead.” He pronounced,making it clear he had the situation under control.

Once in the house, she found a frustrated Freddie May trying to pacify Connie who was bawling her eyes out for her mama. Sally was impatiently rocking the shrieking infant, Marilyn, who had been awakened during the melee. The women fled after informing Mother Connie had found sleeping on the floor where she’d wallowed her pillow off the side of the bed.

The story had a interesting ending. Boogerhead roused up about the time he got to the doctor, apparently no harm done. Daddy got a bill from the doctor about a week later. They didn’t pay it.

Louie Gets Help

Louie’s brother and family lived directly across the dusty road from him, probably his only social contacts other than his mother. That sultry August afternoon, Mother put her seventeen-month-old, Connie, down for a nap, flanked by a pillow on each side, on the big bed in her own bedroom for a nap before scooping up her colicky newborn, Marilyn, to feed and rock. It was so hot she could hardly catch her breath. The only hope of a cooling breeze was the rocker in front of the bedroom window. The attic fan pulled a breeze through that window. Mother could her two of her older children playing in the sand under the window. Periodically, the attic fan would pull in a bit of dust and Mother had to make a decision whether she’d rather endure the occasional dust spray or call out the kids and wake the cranky baby who was just drifting off. Carefully, she eased the sleeping baby into her crib without waking her, optimistically hoping she could slip in bed next to the sleeping Connie and catch a little nap. Tiptoeing out she told Phyllis, her oldest to keep an eye on me and Bill and slipped quietly in next to Connie.

Her own breathing slowed and she was almost asleep when she got the creepy feeling someone was looking at her. She jerked awake to see Louie standing in her bedroom door, staring at her. She hopped up, horrified and furious. She squeaked hoarsely. “Louie! What are you doing in here? I’ve told you not to come in my house!” It turned out Phyllis had forgotten to latch the screen when she came back in.

“Boogereater done dead.” Louie pronounced in a monotone. Boogereater had gotten his name for obvious reasons.

Confused, Mother shooed him out angrily and latched the screen just as couple of neighbor ladies showed up at her door.

“Junior, (Boogereater’s proper name) is passed out or maybe dead! He took the gas cap off your car and sniffed. He’s laying out by your car.”

Mystified, Mother followed the women out. Sure enough the boy was lying by her car, flaccid and pale with blue lips. He sure looked dead!

Just then, Boogereater’s mama rushed up and grabbed her lifeless boy. “Somebody’s got to take him to the doctor!” She looked fiercely at Mother. “You got to take him!”

Louie interjected.”Boy’s done dead.”

Withering under the accusing eyes of the presumed dead boy’s mother. Mother offered feebly. “ I can’t go. Both my babies are asleep!”

Boogereater’s Mama stared her down, pronouncing, “It was your gas he sniffed.”

Mother has always had a gift for feeling guilty.

Boogereater’s mama glared at her. “Sally and Freddie May can watched your youngun’s. You the only one with a car. Go git your keys! I’ll put him in the car.”

Defeated, Mother went to get her purse and keys. Sally and Freddie May followed her in. As she headed out, she peaked in on her sleeping babies. Marilyn was fine, but Connie was missing.

“I can’t go. My baby’s missing! She was right here on the bed! We were taking a nap!” She wailed. “ I can’t go! My car might not even start.” Mother insisted.

“ That baby ain’t got out! Them women can find her while we’re gone.” demanded the boy’s mother, hard on her heels.

Checking the back door and finding it still latched, Mother turned on Phyllis, reading just outside the bedroom. “Did Connie slip out past you?”

“No ma’am. I’ve been sitiing here the whole time she’s got to be in the house. I’ll find her.” Phyllis was dependable.

Guilt-ridden and bullied, Mother grabbed her things and rushed to the car. Sadly for her, the car started on the first crank.

Louie watched as Mother backed out. “Boy done dead.” He pronounced.

That was the beginning of Boogereater’s gas sniffing.

More to come.

Grandma J

Knowing Grandma J was a pure pleasure. Having spent fifty years on an isolated Kansas farm, she truly enjoyed her cushy life in town with a gas stove, refrigerator, and wringer washing machine. She’d raised eight wild boys and three girls. Though she’d lost a young baby early in her marriage, it had been so long she no longer mourned. She’d been widowed many years by the time I knew her, and was well- satisfied in her neat little house in town. Should one of her many children not come by, she could walk to the store, beauty parlor, or church. She had neighbors in or went to their kitchens for coffee.

Though she was built like a refrigerator on spindly legs, she was a very attractive lady. She always dressed in floral cotton dresses with a freshly-ironed apron tied around her waist. Her silvery hair was always softly curled. Should she be going out on a windy day, it was ensconced in a hairnet for summer or scarf for wind or cold. Before Grandma went out, she always donned a freshly ironed housedress and good apron, both of her own making. She always picked up her big black purse last thing before heading out the door.

She still adhered to many lifelong habits: washing on Monday, ironing on Tuesday, and baking bread and pies on Friday. It would have been a rare weekend to not have some of her huge family or to visit in their homes.

As you might expect, her house was filled with beautiful hand-made items, quilts, rag rugs, doilies, and embroidered dresser scarves, napkins, and tablecloths. We still have a pair of crocheted trivets she made us for a wedding gift fifty-three years ago.

As you can see, they are well-loved.

Grandpa and the Corn Thief

Grandpa J was a mighty man. Though of average height, a lifetime of farming and good genes he was barrel-chested with the arms of a blacksmith. A man to be reckoned with, he didn’t tolerate fools lightly. It was unlikely any of his neighbors would have wanted to tangle with him, so he was mystified to find someone had been slipping in and stealing corn from his corncrib at night, but it was the depression and times were hard.

Determined to put a stop to the theft, Grandpa and his son,Frank, made their way to the shed well before daylight, Frank carrying a shuttered lantern. Grandpa whispered, “When I open the door, open the shutter.”

Sure enough, when Grandpa flung open the door, the lantern revealed the thief. A half-grown white-face yearling stared blindly at them. Reacting instinctively, Grandpa hit the surprised bovine between the eyes, knocking him out.

Grandpa jumped back, cursing and cradling the fist he’d just pounded into the unconscious yearling’s bony head. Enjoying the story later, one of the family asked Frank, “Did you laugh?”

“Hell no!” He replied. “ He still had one good fist.!”

Children’s Biblical Misunderstandings

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.

St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her class. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat, a six-year-old boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’

That would look good on my buffet!

A friend made this video of my mother for her 96th birthday celebration. Mother was ecstatic. Please check my friend’s facebook site and support her.

Making an Ass of Myself at a Funeral

On the ride out to our old neighbor’s funeral, Billy told me about “a friend” of his who had embarrassed himself in the drive-through line of a hamburger joint earlier that week.  The “friend” had gotten stuck in line, right next to the speaker.  He called out several times with no response.  He was wedged in.  It was hot.  He was hotter! He couldn’t order, go backward or forward, so did the only reasonable thing.  He cursed loudly about waiting in the heat, abusing the reputation of the restaurant, the employees, their forbears, and hamburgers joints in general, pounding his steering wheel to make a point!

After a bit of this infantile behavior, the speaker clicked on.  “May I take your order, please?”  Relieved, he gave his order and pulled up.  When he got to the window, he found a sea of faces waiting to see the idiot they’d heard throwing the fit.  The speaker had been on the whole time.

He finished his story just as we squeaked into the churchyard.  We filed in with the mourners, taking a seat.  As the services started, it was pretty warm.  Before long, it was hot as Hades. Obviously the air conditioner was on the blink.  Billy grinned and whispered to me, “It’s hot.”  Remembering his ‘friend’, I stifled a giggle.  As the eulogy continued and mourners sniffled, I struggled to maintain my composure, not daring to look at him.  We were both shaking silently, as though overcome by grief.  The blazing heat miraculously unstopped my sinuses.  Suddenly, a river of snot cascaded from my nose as I burst into maniacal laughter.  Vainly, I instituted an ineffective snot management manuever while futilely trying to give the impression of being overcome by grief, not insane laughter. It might have been more convincing had brother, Bozo the Clown, not been beside me in the same state. We fled without trying to console the family, figuring we’d done enough.

Bad Words

I suffered painfully through a childhood of deprivation, denied the use of titillating words, a victim of being “raised right.” Mother took pride in being ladylike, totally unconcerned about my needs. Worst of all, she set a good example, never uttering an expletive worse than “Durn!” except on two notable occasions. Once she muttered “Damn!” under her breath when I rounded a corner too fast with a grocery cart and pegged the back of her heel while she was on tip-toe reaching for a bottle of ketchup. I was sure she kill me when she recovered. Fortunately, she was too horrified and guilt-ridden to ever mention it again or I wouldn’t be here to tell the story. Some years later, she banged her head on an open cupboard door and swore. She probably concussed herself and self-righteously denies saying “Damn!” to this day.

My bevy of lucky cousins enthusiastically filled me in on titillating words. Their happy chatter was enticingly peppered with butt, doo doo, ka ka, pee pee, and even dookey. My “bottom” was warmed nicely the first time I tossed out “dookey.” From then on, every time I was around the incorrigibles, Mother warned me not to acquire any new words. I had to say “gee gee” and “wee wee” instead of the good ones we all know and love. I can’t convey how humiliating it was to be a gee gee person in a world of doo dooers, so I learned to keep my silly business to myself. Should it be absolutely necessary to mention anatomy, “bottom” should be whispered. There were no “titties” in our world, just chests,; no “titty babies”, just crybabies. Worst of all, Mother had me convinced I couldn’t sneak anything in. “Mothers know!”

Then I started school. I’d been with Mother in public bathrooms and delighted in graffiti, till she rushed me out.The school bathroom serving the playground was glorious with graffiti and scribblings I couldn’t wait to decipher. The proudest day of my life was when I worked out “piss on the wall. S—-on the floor. I fell in love with reading that moment.

Life improved after I married and set priorities My mental health and Bud’s survival necessitated some vocabulary modifications. Life has been so much smoother since then.

Top Ten Best Old Age Jokes

10

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life?”
“Oh yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; ,my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.”
Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?”
”One for the money, two for the show. three to get ready and four to go.”


9

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.
After waiting in line for hours, he finally arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked for his identification to verify his age and, after looking in his pockets, he realized that he’d left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and get it?” he asked.
The woman said “Unbutton your shirt.”
He opened his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.”That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” she said and processed his Social Security application.
When he got home, the man told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office, and she said “You should have dropped your pants — you might have qualified for disability, too.”


8

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered in Bloomingdales.
“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”
“It’s the only way I can be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week.”


7

An old woman was walking along the street when she heard a voice telling her …”YOU WILL LIVE TO BE OVER 100.” She looked around, but no one else seemed to have heard the voice. Then she heard it again, “YOU WILL LIVE TO BE OVER 100.” Again she looked around, and again, no one else seemed to have heard anything. Convinced it was The Lord speaking to her, and figuring since the Lord had told her she would live to be 100 she’d better do something to make herself look better, she made an appointment with a plastic surgeon, and scheduled a face lift, a tummy tuck, liposuction, breast implants, and a nose job.
After healing from all the operations and looking years younger, she decided to go shopping. While crossing the street, she was hit by a bus and killed instantly. When she got to heaven, she asked the Lord, “Why did I die? You told me I was going to live to be more than 100?” God looked at her and replied … “Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t recognize you.”


6

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing.
So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there’s a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.”Here’s what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in
a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
So that evening she’s in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room, and he says to himself,”I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”
“Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for supper?”. No response.
So he walks right up behind her.
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
“For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!”


5

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: Ma’am, sorry to inform you that we found your husband dead, at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster, and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 …. please advise.
The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.


4

What is the best thing about being senile?
You can hide your own Easter eggs.


3

A senior citizen was driving home on the freeway when his cellphone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”


2

How do you know when you’re getting older?
Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
Those issues of Reader’s Digest just can’t come fast enough.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
You actually want socks for Christmas.
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.


1

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, “But you know Doc, I’m blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!”
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife and said, “Your husband’s test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night.”
Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”