One Toe Over the Line

milking_a_cow2This is a stock photo of woman milking a cow.  I can promise you Mother never smiled like that when milking.

My mother was so rough on my poor daddy, but thank goodness, she was punished for her sins.  She was a hulking five feet tall at best, so she was well able to best for six foot three inch husband any time she wanted.  Not only that, he was so bashful he’d barely speak up for himself.  Big joke!  Daddy wore the pants in his house and made sure everyone KNEW it.  I think he’d seen way too many John Wayne movies and had no intention of being taken for a softy.

I rarely saw Mother even bother to tangle with Daddy.  She understood her life was much easier if she just went along with his demands.  From time to time, she was forced to take a stand, like the time she kicked him.  Before you get all excited and set off to congratulate her for getting some gumption, it was strictly accidental.  She gets no points.  To set the stage, you need to know, Mother did all the milking.  According to Daddy, the Bible forbade men to milk a cow.  “Thou shalt not take what thee cannot give.”  He often invented Bible verses in time of great need, not bothering to quote chapter and verse. The Bible never was a big part of his day unless he needed to make a point anyway. 

As always, Mother put biscuits in the oven before she went out to milk the cow every morning before daylight.  One morning it was sleeting as she trudged toward the barn in Daddy’s boots and barn coat, making the job even worse than usual.  Just as she finished milking, the cow slapped her with its poop-encrusted tail, kicked over the milk bucket and stepped on her booted foot.  Mother hated that damned cow anyhow.  They’d traded insults through their whole association.  Furious at the hated cow and the loss of the much-needed milk, Mother worked her agonized foot way out of the boot still pinned under the cow’s hoof, kicked the cow as hard as she could, falling down in the filth in the process.  The cow showed little interest, just lifted her tail and splattered Mother with her most abundant resource. 

Mother hobbled to the house coated in manure.  She had to strip and clean up the best she could before starting breakfast.  Her two babies, one an infant and the other under two were just waking up demanding attention as she pulled the biscuits out of the oven.  Daddy yelled at her from the bedroom, “Come see about these squalling babies.  I don’t have but a few more minutes before I have to get up and go to work.”  Somehow, he lived, but they didn’t have more children! 

By ten o’clock every night, Mother was whipped.  Like all mothers, she was chronically sleep-deprived.  She always had a cup of coffee to relax her before she went to bed, but had a hard time staying awake long enough to finish it.  When Daddy got ready to go to bed, he got up, went to the bathroom, and hit the bed.  When Mother said she was going to bed, she hung a last load of laundry in front of the fireplace, hoping some of it would be dry by morning, put a load in to wash, made a last run through the kitchen, filled the tea kettle and put coffee in the pot so it wouldn’t take too long in the morning, made sure Daddy’s lunch stuff and clothes were ready for tomorrow, scouted out kids shoes, books, and coats, and a few other little things.  Finally, she’d check on the kids, and head to bed where Daddy was snoring away.

This particular night, she’d just gotten to sleep when Daddy rolled over on her long hair.  He slept like the dead.  She pushed and yelled, but couldn’t make him stir.  In desperation, she kicked him, forgetting she’d already hurt her foot that morning.  The pain was excruciating, but Daddy never woke.  She was finally able to hold get her feet in the flat of his back and shoved him off.  The next morning, he reported a restful night while she hobbled around on a bruised foot, the toe obviously battered.  Till today, she still has to buy shoes a full size larger since her great toe points to Heavenward.

 

Poke

Available on Amazon Kindle now. Soon to be available in paper back!

BUY the book: https://www.amazon.com/Everything-Smells-Just-Like-Salad-ebook/dp/B01IVUXROQ

How to connect with Linda

Blog: https://atomic-temporary-73629786.wpcomstaging.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/bethea_linda

Your Money’s No Good Here!

 


It’s good to compare notes with your family.  My brother just told me my dad helped his brother-in-law counterfeit quarters back in the 1930s.  Daddy’s oldest sister, Aunt Jenny, married Uncle Chester, a bona fide reprobate, a rabble-rousing drunk who enlisted Daddy to help with his quarter counterfeiting business.  I don’t know if Daddy would have even qualified for reform school if he’d gotten caught, since he was just a hungry little kid trying to win a place at Aunt Jenny’s table for a few days. Mama and his younger sisters were about to starve since his own father was sick in bed at his mother’s house.  Grandma wanted nothing to do with her daughter-in-law and the grandkids, though she was willing to care for her son.  The boys were pretty much working for room and board anywhere they could.

At any rate, Uncle Chester made pretty good quarters, a time-consuming job requiring a steadier hand than his, since he was rarely sober.  According the Daddy, Uncle Chester made impressions of both side of quarters using Plaster of Paris casts lined with onion-skin paper.  The steady hands were needed to line the molds up and glue them together, leaving a tiny pour-hole at the top, where they could pour in Uncle Chester’s special melted alloy.  Once the ragged quarters set, a little artistry work was required to finish them off.  Voila!  Quarters!

Babbittquarter

Uncle Chester had no trouble passing his bogus quarters at the grocery store, the mercantile, and the hardware store. The problem came at the bar.  Though he was normally stingy and careful, one night he got a snootful and wanted to buy a round for everybody in the house.  Indiscreetly, he brought out a bag of quarters to pay his tab.  They didn’t ring true when he poured them on the counter.  The proprietor objected, Uncle Chester tore into him, and Uncle Chester ended up in Leavenworth.

That really wasn’t so bad.  His cell-mate taught him to make twenty-dollar bills.  Before long, Uncle Chester was out, but wasn’t able to pass his twenties because he couldn’t get the color just right.  After a number of frustrating attempts, he poured up some quarters and headed back to the bar.  When he poured his clinky quarters out on the bar, just as Uncle Chester anticipated, the bar-tender objected.  “Are you telling me my money’s no good?”  A fight and arrest ensued.  Uncle Chester went back to Leavenworth for a refresher, polished his craft, and never had any more counterfeiting troubles.

All’s well that ends well.

Southern Fried Crazy

 

We do love our crazy folks down South.  Oh, we may not want them right up in the house with us, not that it doesn’t happen from time to time, but certainly we need them to brighten up our holidays and remind us of how dull life would be without them.

My perennially pregnant Cousin Carol waddled into the family reunion this year with her nine kids and current live-in. He’d look like Willie Nelson if she cleaned him up a little.  Excepting her penchant for living in sin, Cousin Carol is fanatically religious, devoting herself to the food kitchens, fellowship nights serving evening meals, and community closets of all the local churches, though not their morning services.  “It’s hard to git nine young’uns dressed that early.” Some nosey relative asked her how many more kids she was going to have and she answered, “As many as God gives me.” I think the boyfriends had more to do giving her those babies than God did!  You can bet your sweet fanny she won’t have any more if she had to pay for them. At the conclusion of the reunion, she loaded up as much food as she could manage in her decrepit station wagon, reasoning if she didn’t, “it would just go to waste.”

For those of you who haven’t been to a family gathering in the South, this is every cook’s turn to shine.  They bring their most celestial dishes.  If Aunt Sue chases you down with her fresh coconut cake, you’re going to try it or else!  Don’t bother pleading allergies.  Aunt Bonnie makes the best fried chicken.  You have to have some of Uncle Joe’s barbecue, but watch out for Cousin Mattie Mae’s Three-Bean-Salad with the wigglies. You don’t have to take any of that. She has Alzheimer’s and won’t know the difference.  It may very well be the same batch she brought last year.

R G Holdaway Family with Johnny Bell early 1930's

Early photo of my mother’s family about 1930

Uncle Chester couldn’t make it this year.  He got sent back up for counterfeiting, but he did set the boys up in bootlegging before he got caught.  They’re doing real good.  Aunt Jennie is really proud of them.  Her girl Joyce is teaching at the high school and just married the Baptist preacher.  Aunt Jennie is so tickled all her kids are making a good living and doing well.

I never get tired of bragging about my tightwad Cousin Kat who set up her tombstone in her bedroom because she “didn’t want to spend all that money and then not get any enjoyment out of it.”  There was my cousin Evil Larry, who ran around with his pants unzipped “all the better to pee on us” when he could catch us.  I never did learn to like him, though.  I adored my cousin Sue, but she was a compulsive liar from the time she could talk; delightful, non-malicious creations that kept me guessing.  She was great fun, but would have climbed on top of the house to tell a tale when she could have stood on the ground and told the truth.

1st row Kathleen Holdaway, Ellie Blizzard,Johnny Bell2nd John a0002I don’t think I could pick a favorite.  I love them all, even the ones I hid from.  They gave me wonderful stories, ensuring that my rich life never has a boring moment.  All I have to do is think back and recall.

The photo above features Mother’s aunt in the back row. Her hair never grayed. Next to her is her orphaned niece, Katie Katie’s son. She raised Katie from birth. Katie was widowed when Baby Johnny was only eight weeks old, so he never knew another home. Mother’s brother stood behind Johnny next to their sister, Ann. The small blonde child in the front row is Mother. She was too shy to have her picture made until she was convinced to let the doll be photographed.

Most important of all was the cat, Old Greenie  She was 26 years old and had just given birth to her last litter of kittens.  Not long after this picture was made Old Greenie ate her kittens, starting at the feet.  My Grandpa was horrified and knocked her in the head.  See, my family even had crazy animals.

Six of ’em Got Me!

imageDuring World War II, the Army had soldiers doing maneuvers in the woods near Aunt Mary and Uncle Willie’s house in Sibley.  Aunt Mary had been raving about the sex-crazed GIs running wild in the woods thereabouts, probably more to keep her girls in line than anything else.  She wouldn’t even let them go to the toilet or hang clothes on the line by themselves.  They always had to do everything three at a time.  It must have been lovely crowding three girls in a two hole toilet on a hot day.  God knows, one of them couldn’t have stood outside alone and unprotected.

At any rate, due to Aunt Mary’s unrelenting vigilance, her three terrified girls had remained chaste and unmolested by the lusty soldiers.  One hot August afternoon, Aunt Mary broke her own rule and slipped out to the toilet alone for a little personal time.  Just as she settled her generous bottom on the wooden seat, she disturbed some nose-blind red wasps building a home over the stinking quagmire of human refuse below.  The offended wasps couldn’t resist the tempting target she presented and launched a viscious attack on her tender nether portions.

Aunt Mary burst out of the toilet, shrieking in pain and shock, peeing herself while trying to run with her drawers around her ankles.  Bursting through the screen door to the back porch rubbing her wounds, with tears running down her face, she shrieked at her terrified girls, “There were six of ’em.  They got me when I went to the toilet!”

Assuming she’d been accosted by the fearsome soldiers she’d warned against so often, all thee girls ran down the road, screaming for the neighbors to come to their rescue.  Even though poor Aunt Mary was in no condition for company, very soon she had plenty!

 

 

I Couldn’t Hear if it went in Park.

A few days ago, a lady who shall remain forever nameless, came to call and pulled her little old lady white car where she could take out Bud’s Jeep and the camping trailer, if she couldn’t make up her mind which was best. I suspect she got a phone call as she pulled up to park, since she dawdled in her car for a a while before getting out. Buzzy went wild, desperate to get out and welcome her, but finally forgot as she took her time. I went back to what I was doing, knowing she’d eventually be at one of the doors. Since Bud was in the shop, I thought she might go out to speak to him first.

After about ten minutes, I heard an impact and a scrunch. “Oh no!” Running out, I saw she’d rolled into the camper, but by now had backed up.

“Oh my gosh, when I pulled in, I thought I’d put the car is n park, but I guess I hadn’t. I know it’s because I am having trouble with my ears and couldn’t hear if it clicked in park!”

As we looked for damage, I didn’t mention I never listened to see if my car went into park.
The only obvious damage, was a tiny dent she didn’t mention.

“If they’re’ any damage, I’ll pay for it. She repeated this twice, just st because she was rattled.”

“I don’t see a thing,” I assured her.

Bud came sprinting up just then. “What happened? Did somebody run into my camper?”

Before Mother (uh oh, I wasn’t going to tell) could launch the into her long explanation and excuses, I jumped in, praying Bud would just look and hush. Mother’s obsessive-compulsive explanation followed by endless apologies and self-recriminations are hard to bear. We seriously downplay problems to save ourselves.

He has suffered through this before. He’s a smart guy. “I don’t see a thing.” He declined coffee and went back to his shop.

While I fixed coffee, Mother cranked up, “Bhah,blah,blah, sure thought it was in park. Blah, blah, blah, now if anything’ wrong, I insist on paying. Blah, blah, blah, natter, natter, natter.” More reassurance given, but not nearly enough to satisfy her.

Finally, I had to redirect her. “Mother, there is no damage and nobody’s mad. Now, we have to change the subject.”

She finally let me off the hook. When Mother messes something up, she is not satisfied till the injured party convinces her the accident was the best thing that ever happened to them.

After she left, Bud and I went out to inspect. The damage was minor. I thanked him for keeping his cool.

“Yeah, well. I was about to get me a piece of cardboard and make a sign so I could wave it at cars going down the street. “Come bust my camper in the ass!”

What a guy!

surprise

I might be wacko follow up

image.

Initial post:
Just got a text from my daughter.

Her: Just got another box of stuff from you. Can the kids open them now?

(I had ordered them some things the week before and asked her to not to open it till this box got there. Stuff for Isaac was in first box and didn’t want to cause upset.)

Me: sure. Let me know what they got n how it wkd out.. I forgot what I sent.

Her: Oh lord.

Me: well, did I send good stuff?

She never got back to me. Now, I am dying to know what I sent. I wish she wouldn’t complain about my texts.

Follow up:

For my grandson, I had sent oil crayons and sketch pad, swim trunks and shirt,self-inflating Whoopee cushion which made me grandma of the year. I also sent underwear which my daughter insists marked him for life. I should think you’d be marked for life if you never had underwear.

The baby got a swimsuit, a toy phone, a Hello Kitty fork and spoon, and a great big box to play in. She loved the box and went after her brother’s Whoopee Cushion.

If It Weren’t for Bad Luck…….

Mother was laughing when I picked her up at the tire store this morning, after a conversation with a grumpy old man. She’d admired his luxury cherry-red sedan.

“I don’t like this car. I had me a real nice big pick up rigged out just like I wanted it, then in 2014, the doctor said I had cancer and probably wouldn’t make it six months. Well, my ol’lady didn’t want to have to drive that truck after I was gone, so she talked me into tradin’ it in on this car. I figured it didn’t matter none, since I wasn’t gonna be driving it no way.

Well, next time I went back to the doctor, he said I didn’t have cancer after all. Now I’m stuck with this danged car.”

Goody, Goody! Goody, Goody!

The first and last days of school I got called down for running my mouth, and probably every day between. Born without a muffler or filter it paid off handsomely if not happily.

My sister, Phyllis, on the other hand was the model of decorum and every teachers’ darling. It was unlikely she ever got scolded, but she often had to be told to “let someone else answer.” Of course, she knew all the answers, since she did all her homework as soon as she got in from school. From her earliest days, it was obvious she’d be a wonderful teacher, which she was. All her games revolved around playing school, especially after my teacher relatives passed discarded textbooks on to us.

Many of those books were still in use in our classrooms. Imagine her joy when she poured over them and started school way ahead of her class. I was not so much interested in the textbooks and playing school. That’s where our trouble lay. She expected me to be her perfect student, as we went from reading to math to science to geography.

I was all in to the reading lesson, but ready to go when we moved on. That wasn’t how her school worked. She’d get her fly-back paddle after me, so school was over and the fight was on. I never hung around too long. She’d go to Mother to back up her discipline and get disappointed time after time. Homeschooling just didn’t work for her.

To my great joy, Phyllis did get in trouble one time. In the first grade, she shared a desk with Richard. Travis sat right behind them. When Mrs. Hanks passed back their work, Phyllis and Richard got an A. Travis got an F. Phyllis and Richard turned around and sang to him, “Goody, goody Travis.” Mrs. Hanks called them to the front of the class and made them sing to each other, “Goody, goody, Phyllis. Goody, goody, Richard.”

Of course, Phyllis came straight home with the story of how she’d suffered, only to get more trouble. That took care of their classroom “Goody, goodies” but I think I still heard it at home a few times.
Desk

Living High on the Hog

Until Mother learned to drive, she had to buy groceries at the small neighborhood store just down the road. Daddy also bought gasoline there, running up a monthly tab which they theoretically paid once a week. Naturally, over time, the grocery bill got out of control and Mr. Dennis got unhappy. In desperation, they had to borrow from the credit union to pay off their bill. By this time, Mother had learned to drive and wanted to shop at a supermarket in Springhill. After a few fights, Daddy finally agreed, but only if she kept her groceries to twelve dollars a week. Remember, they were having to repay the gigantic loan they’d made to pay off their grocery bill. For quite a while she managed on twelve, then seventeen, then from my first memories in the late fifties, she spent twenty-five dollars a week.
Trying to feed a family of seven on twenty-five dollars a week must have been a real challenge. I know if she could have somehow managed on nineteen or twenty-three she would have. My brother ate like a lumberjack from the time he was eleven or twelve years old. He wanted to drink his milk from a quart jar, but Mother put her foot down about that. She poured his in a regular glass, so everybody got a share before he was back for more. Of course, the little girls drank from small glasses. And, oh yes, there was plenty of reason to cry over spilt milk at our house. Even if things were going well, Daddy erupted in a fury at spilt milk or a broken dish, snatching the offending kid up by one arm while he pulled his belt off with the other. I’ll never forget the sound of that “pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop” as it snapped past all those belt loops, though that was considerably more pleasant than the popping it made on my legs. I so often wished I were the Daddy and he was the kid for just a few minutes.
Enough whining. In summer, Mother had to take us all with her grocery shopping, until we got old enough to stay home, babysit, clean the house, and fight the day away. Of course, we knew we’d get in trouble for inflicting an injury great enough to require stitches or a cast, so we exercised caution. Kids were a lot easier come by than money for a doctor. We alternated our alliances as the day dragged on. Sometimes I teamed up with Phyllis against Billy, sometimes I fought with him against her. We each waged our own wars against each other, just to make sure no one was left out. Eventually, worn out from all that fighting, we’d get our work done, taking plenty of breaks for minor fights.
Mother had her shopping and budgeting down to a science. The first stop was Winham’s Grocery Store in Sarepta, where she’d check the specials posted on butcher paper on the windows, planning to come back by there after she got the specials at the other stores. Besides, Winham’s gave Gold Bond Trading Stamps which weren’t as good as Plaid Stamps or S & H Green Stamps. She counted on those for Christmas gifts and that had to be worked into the equation.
Onward to Piggly Wiggly to check their specials, also posted in the window. The S&H Green Stamp store was housed in the same building, a very tempting set-up. To cash in Gold Bond or Plaid Stamps, one had to drive all the way to Shreveport, a much-dreaded prospect. If the prices were close to the same, Piggly Wiggly got her money. A & P was where she did the majority of her shopping, since over-all their prices were the best.
The only time I ever saw Mother drink Coca-Cola was while she was shopping, allowing herself that one luxury. We got a box of Animal Crackers or Cracker Jack to eat during shopping, saving the empty box to be rung up with the rest of the groceries. She’d snatch up Sunnyfield Cornflakes and oatmeal instead of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes or Sugar Smacks, and all the Ann Page products she could find, since they were the best buy. Vegetables were ten cans for a dollar, and she loaded that buggy up! I always swore I’d buy Del Monte or Birdseye when I got grown, but I don’t. Naturally, we got store brand salad dressing, mustard, ketchup, though we did get Blackburn Syrup, probably because there was no store brand syrup. Our buggy load compared poorly to the lucky kids whose mother piled their buggies high with fancy, sugary cereals, prize included, cookies, and cokes. (All soft drinks were cokes.) I wished I could drape a sheet over all the awful (wholesome) stuff she bought. Once that buggy was full, she’d parked it near the register and started on the second. I can remember till today what she bought: twenty-five pounds of self-rising flour, ten pounds of sugar, ten pounds of meal, three pounds of shortening, ten pounds of dried pinto beans, all of these store-brand of course, three pounds of Eight O’Clock Coffee, medium-roast, eggs if the chickens weren’t laying and if the cow had gone dry, a three pound box of powdered milk and a couple of pounds of margarine. White bread was three loaves for a dollar, a necessity saved for Daddy’s lunch, since she made biscuits or cornbread for every meal. On rare occasions, she had to pick up extras like baking powder, cocoa, salt, baking soda, matches, and Lipton’s loose tea. (It went further.) Of course, toilet paper, laundry detergent and bleach came from wherever they were on special. If she’d spent too much, washing powder had to double as scouring powder and dish detergent. Paper towels and napkins were seldom seen at our house, due to their extreme cost. Every week, she tried to work in one luxury item like clothes pins, matches, foil, iron-on patches, or God forbid, a home permanent! For us, she picked up packets of powdered drink mix, sometimes Kool-Aid brand at ten packets for a dollar. Finally, she went by the meat aisle, picking up whatever she couldn’t get on special somewhere else. We ate mostly chicken, some bought whole, and packages of backs, necks, and wings to be made into chicken and dumplings. That was long before people realized wings were good. Whole chicken cost twenty-nine cents a pound. Chicken parts were much cheaper. Last of all, she went by the produce section for twenty-five pounds of potatoes, cabbages, carrots, onions, and turnips, for ten pounds each of apples and oranges, or whatever produce or fruit was in season. Fruit and meat often came from Piggly Wiggly or Winham’s.
Hitting Piggly Wiggly for their specials once she’d done her major shopping, she scooped up the specials and the Green Stamps. Eventually, she might even get to Winham’s if their specials were too good to resist. Pickles, jams or jellies were homemade. Peanut butter and crackers sometimes made it to our house, if things went well.
For a while, Barrett’s Grocery in Cullen put whole chickens on special for twenty-five cents a pound. Mother went by several times and purchased just his chickens, till he told her people who were coming in just for chicken were putting him out of business. She went easy on him after that. Late in the afternoon, she would roll in home with her car stuffed with groceries. It seemed like she might have twenty-five bags, though that may be an exaggeration. We’d lug in countless bags, then some us of put groceries away while somebody else started the quickest meal possible. We were always ravenous since our budget didn’t stretch to include lunch in town on grocery day. Sometimes when Mother was feeling flush, she would spring for a bag of chips or cookies, but most of the time, we had to wait till we got home.
We learned early and well not to badger Mother for stuff in the grocery store, understanding we’d had our treat of Cracker Jack or Animal Crackers as we shopped. Most of the time, all it took was a stern look to settle us down. Should we really get out of line, Mother would fix us with a steely stare and say, “Don’t start! Just don’t you start!”
A couple of times, I was foolish enough to start, learning another terrifying phrase. “I’ll take care of you when we get home!” That shut me up immediately, knowing just what kind of tender care was waiting for me. I had crossed the line!

Piggly WigglyA & P