Vagina, Boobs, and Poop

surprise

This is the start of a twelve part series posted eight months ago.  I am now expanding into a book.  Enjoy.

This post has nothing to do with any of these.  I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest.  Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things.

1.  She left her lights on, ran her car battery down, and asked a nice young police officer to “jack her off.”  She wasn’t arrested.

2.  She doesn’t like it when someone asks how tall she is, so replies either, “How much do you weigh?  or How much money do you have?”  By the way, she is not tall.

3.  She once crashed  wedding in cut off blue jeans, sitting in the first row on the bride’s side.  The family was not friendly.

4.  She was once locked in a museum and had to be rescued by the fire department, climbing over the fence on their ladder.

5.  She was locked in Windsor Castle. More on that later.

6.  She rolled up a car window up on a camel’s lip.  These things happen.

7.  She made change in the offering plate at church and came out twenty dollars ahead.

8.  She lost her bra at church one Sunday.  She never could explain that!

9,  When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them.  She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!” They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.”  She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.”  Go figure.

10.  She threatened a rapist

11. She won’t say “Bull.”  That sounds crude.  She substitutes “male cow.”

Don’t tell her I said vagina, boobs, and poop. God knows she tried to raise me right.

53 thoughts on “Vagina, Boobs, and Poop”

    • Glad you enjoyed. Was making a list of posts I needed to do then realized the list was hilarious. Will have to go back and do all the posts. Look at posts entitled “Mean Mama!” They are true, too. But she definitely wasn’t mean. She’s a sweetheart.

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  8. I’m certainly going to enjoy your humor! And I’ll check back in after the first of the year. Maybe you saw my latest post, Taking a Break… at least I think that’s what I named it although I may be getting to the stage your mother is in and not making any sense at all. At any rate, I’m slowing the blogging world down to focus on the right now time. Have a fabulous holiday season. And if your mom’s around, laugh lots.

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  14. She sounds like a very special lady, a woman I would be honored to know.(My mother raised me right also, and besides, I don’t think I want your mom rolling a car window up on my lip.)

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    • Truer words were never spoken. I am not allowed to reveal how “not tall” my mother is, but it’s been a while since she saw 5’0″. You didn’t hear that from me. She feloniously claims 5’2″ but nobody falls for that.

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  16. Well you were right, I DID love this one. What a gift to have a mother who can provide so much material … but now that I think of it, most material begins and ends with mothers. The would-be robbers probably left her and never tried again. They would never get that lucky again. Thanks for following and thanks for turning me on to your blog!

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