An employee’s husband called her at work, A new employee routed him to me, the nursing supervisor, not his wife, by mistake. We are both Linda. When I answered, all I heard was heavy breathing, then,”Are you wearing panties?” Continue reading
Month: April 2015
I Smell a Rat
Connie and Marilyn and two of their friends had been talking about sleeping in the barn for quite a while. They’d built themselves a lovely hideaway over the feed room where they spent many hours together. On one of the coldest nights of the year, they convinced themselves the time had come. Mother and Daddy weren’t concerned about Continue reading
Swapping Lunches (from Kathleen’s Memoirs of The Great Depression)
I was fascinated with the twins, Velda and Melba Peterson, from a family of eleven kids on a poor farm way down in the low country. Their daddy “drank.” They often came to school beaten and bruised. They carried their lunch in a silver-colored syrup bucket and ate it under a big oak on the Continue reading
A Rose By Any Other Name
The new schoolmaster was waving around his hickory stick and laying down the law the first day of school. He pointed his hickory stick. “Boy, what is you name?”
“My name is Zeke.”
The teacher slammed hickory stick down on the boys desk, scaring the life out of him. “No, it’s not! As long as you’re in this classroom, your name is Ezekial and don’t you forget it.”
Advice for the Easter Season: No Baby Chicks!
repost for Easter: Illustrations by Kathleen Swain
No little kid should ever be allowed a small, defenseless duck, chick, or bunny for a pet. One of those four hundred pound tortoises would be a far better choice. It could protect itself and the kid couldn’t pick it up. Porcupines or crocodiles should be fine, too. They could probably hold their own against a four year old. Case in point, when I was four, Continue reading
Easter with Mixed Nuts
Easter egg hunts with my cousins were a lot more like cage boxing than gentle competitions. I had more than forty first cousins, mostly wild animals. By the time my aunts and uncles herded them to the scene of the crime, they just opened the car doors and all Hell broke loose. Exhausted from defending themselves and the babies on the ride over, it was every man for himself. God help anybody in the way. Continue reading
Bungarendeen
When warning the children not to eat potato salad that had been sitting on the counter for a week, or the need to clean and dress a cut, generally instructing them in infection avoidance instead of going into the specifics Bud would say, for example, “Don’t eat that. You’ll get bungarendeen.” He was a nurse, after all, and didn’t know better.
My daughter was in high school; her teacher was discussing various dread bacteria. Never hearing the one she’d been waiting for, she raised her hand. “What about bungarendeen?”
She was rewarded was generalized hysteria. When the teacher quit laughing, she said. “You must be John’s sister. He asked that same question three years ago.”
Picky, Picky, Picky
About ten years after I got out of high-school, I got a call from an old friend I. Hadn’t seen since we graduated. We had a lot to catch up on. She had married her sister’s discarded boyfriend. Sally wasn’t the sharpest girl around. A couple of years after they got married, he was arrested for exposing himself to some kids on a playground. Sally was waiting for him when he got out of jail. She was sure the kids had lied on him. After all that waiting, he left her for another man. Sally thought maybe it was because she got fat while he was in jail. She kept hoping he’d come back, but he died.
A year or two later, she met a guy at a bar. They had a one-night stand. A few months later, Sally went to help her Daddy cut corn. She got dehydrated and passed out. Three days later, she woke up in the hospital and found out she’d had a baby. She hadn’t even known she was pregnant.
After that, she met a guy who was just crazy about her. He worked on a road crew for the state. She was kind of thinking about marrying him, but he his feet smelled so bad, she just didn’t know if she could stand him. What did I think she ought to do? I thought it might work if they slept with the windows open.
I Don’t Want To See The Faces Anymore
Genius
I’m tired of having the faces put up on a screen in front me by people looking for sensationalized ratings; faces that have taken so many innocent lives, who have been turned into fifteen minute celebrities at the expense of faces that will never be shown, lives that will never be discussed and futures that will never be realized.
I don’t want to see the Columbine shooters who killed 13 students and injured 24.
I don’t want to see the Virginia Tech shooter who killed 32 students.
I don’t want to see the Northern Illinois University shooter who killed five and injured 16 more.
I don’t want to see the Fort Hood shooters who killed a total of 16 and injured 48 more.
I don’t want to see the Salt Lake City or Omaha shopping mall shooters who killed 13 and injured eight.
I don’t want to see the Aurora…
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Nutsrok 