Miss Ruby and the Bagwells

The companionable thing about growing up in the fifties and sixties in the rural South was that everyone went to the same school and churches and knew everything about everyone.  The teachers at school taught your siblings and cousins and might have taught your parents. If a kid got in trouble at school you can bet his mama would be waiting for him with a switch even though our rural neighborhood had no phone service.

Once the women got the kids off to school, beds made, dishes done, wash on the line, and the beans on to soak for supper, they might have a little time to visit a neighbor for coffee before heading home to get the baby down for a nap, finish their afternoon’s work and get supper on the table.  I loved going to Miss Alice’s house.  She didn’t have kids, so she always made a fuss over us.  Instead of scampering off to play, we usually hung around long enough for her to offer us a snack.  Sometimes it was left over biscuits with butter and jelly or best of all, teacakes.  If I hadn’t been hanging around hoping for a teacake, I wouldn’t have heard about the scandal of Red Bagwell and his brother Floyd. They weren’t the sharpest guys around but got by okay on the little place where their parents raised them. Though they were in their forties, neither had ever married.  I always looked forward to hearing Red talk.  His consonants didn’t always work out.  The way he explained it, “I can’t sound out my rells.” Daddy stopped by one day when Red and Floyd were working on a shed.  Red put on a new door hinge and gestured to Floyd, “ Froyd, git me that rock.”  Floyd looked around, found a good-sized rock, obligingly brought it over, and propped the shed door shut.  Red gave it a kick and barked, “Not a rock!! A damned rock!” stomped over and picked up the lock where he’d laid it out on the ground.  My ears perked up anytime someone mentioned Red and Floyd. It seems Red had somehow snagged a wife.  The three lived in the family home, Miss Ruby fitting in well with the two brothers. She kept house, cooked, cleaned, slopped the hogs, and kept a nice garden.  The three were getting along fine.  She was a fine wife and a healthy-looking woman. Back then, healthy-looking meant she ate like a lumberjack and could wrestle a bear.   As time went on, it seems she was fitting in far too well with both brothers. One day Red rode in to town with Joe Jones to sell a load of turnips, but Floyd felt like he needed to stay home and work on the new hog pen.  When Red and Joe got home, ready for coffee, the doors were locked.  Red knew Ruby and Floyd were both home, because the wash was still on the line, the old truck was there and Floyd’s old dog was under the porch.  Floyd never went anywhere without Ol’ Blue.  Red beat on the front door.  No answer.  He checked the back door.  No answer.  He came back and hammered on the front door again.  Miss Ruby yelled out.  “Git on out of here and quit bangin’ on that door!  Floyd’s tryin’ to take a nap.”  Bewildered, Red squatted outside the front door, muttering to Joe, “umpin ‘oin on in ‘ere.”  Eventually, Floyd finished his “nap,” ambled on out to do chores.  The three did not have a cozy night.  Something like this might have broken up the relationship between most brothers, but Ruby saved the day.  When the feuding brothers got up the next morning, Ruby had eloped with Ol’ Blue and the truck.  As the brothers commiserated over the betrayal and bonded over their losses they worked things out.

Growing Up in the Shadow of a Model Student

Attending a small rural school where “everybody knows everybody” presents problems for the lackadaisical student unfortunate enough to follow a “model” student. My older sister was the darling of every teacher. She always did her homework, had beautiful penmanship, and followed all the rules. She never missed a spelling word until fourth grade when she forgot to cross the T in grandfather and didn’t dot the i in president. She was only called down for raising her hand too much and trying to give all the answers!

Needless to say, teachers held high expectations for me when I showed up in their classes three years later. “Oh, I had your sister in my class. She was the best student I ever had.” Not fully understanding the expectations that teacher held, I beamed with pride, thinking I was “teacher’s pet” by proxy. This would be good.

By day two in the first grade, I’d gotten over any initial shyness and been labeled a blabbermouth. I beamed with pride and couldn’t wait to share the good news with my parents. It didn’t take them long to straighten me out on that. Just a few days later, I learned Mrs. Crow didn’t approve of my putting my big yellow pencil up my nose. Not only that, she didn’t like me eating school paste. She was offended even after I pointed out it was my paste. It tasted delicious. She also was critical of my penchant for peeling my crayons and chewing the paper wrappers. The unfortunate teacher had difficulty understanding how the model student came from the same family as the one she was currently dealing with. I think the final insult was when I told her “My mother said she wouldn’t take a sick dog to Dr. Pugh. Mrs. Crow had the nerve to tell me I was “sassy, ” and let me know her father was a good doctor!”

I was offended at her attitude and reported back to Mother. Not surprisingly, Mother was horrifically embarrassed and cancelled out on her roommother duties at this Christmas Party Later that week.

I don’t think my brother suffered such high expectations when he entered the first grade three years behind me.

A Rose by any Other Name

teacherWhen the little girl started first grade, the teacher asked her name.

“Happy Butt.”

“Happy Butt. That’s not a name.  Let me check my records.”  She checked her records and came back.  “You’re name is Gladys, not Happy Butt!”

“Glad Ass, Happy Butt.  Same thing!”

Bungarendeen

2009-10-10-Avoid-the-plagueWhen warning the children not to eat potato salad that had been sitting on the counter for a week, or the need to clean and dress a cut, generally instructing them in infection avoidance instead of going into the specifics Bud would say, for example, “Don’t eat that. You’ll get bungarendeen.”  He was a nurse, after all, and didn’t know better.

My daughter was in high school; her teacher was discussing various dread bacteria.  Never hearing the one she’d been waiting for, she raised her hand.  “What about bungarendeen?”

She was rewarded was generalized hysteria.  When the teacher quit laughing, she said.  “You must be John’s sister.  He asked that same question three years ago.”

You a teacher an’ you don’t know…..

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Johnny gave a big snort, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

Disgusted, his teacher sought to shame him.  “Johnny, what’s that on you sleeve?

“He looked at her coldly.  “You a teacher an’ you been to college an’ you don’t know what snot is?”