As I got a little older, I found out Uncle Albert and Aunt Jewel weren’t dull; they were just worn out. Besides that, Uncle Albert had a fascinating physical attribute Daddy slipped up and mentioned one day, to his later regret. Uncle Albert had a tail! From that moment forward, my brother and I stalked him, probabably the first nasty little, voyeuristic kids in the word the molest a pitiful, worn-out old man. We kept hoping his worn-out old khakis would slide off his bony behind, giving us a glimpse of that tail. Eventually Daddy realized why we were pestering him and threatened us enough to put a stop to our tagging.
At any rate, once I got sly enough to ferret out family gossip, I found out Aunt Jewel had once been a very pretty, and not too virtuous, girl. Apparently, Uncle Albert brought her to his house to visit one evening when his wife, Mary, was out. Mary, came home early and found them together in her bedroom. Not surprisingly, she was unhappy. When she tried to get in the bedroom with them, Uncle Albert slammed the door on her arm, breaking it. He and Aunt Jewel became a couple after that.
It’s not surprising he preferred her to the unreasonable Mary. She was a very understanding woman. She told Albert’s sister,my grandma, “Albert has to have a woman! Fortunately, her three sisters and mother were all friendly women, of questionable virtue, willing to accommodate Albert’s needs when she wasn’t well. Uncle Albert and Aunt Jewel lived together over thirty years, becoming very devoted members of their local church the last ten years or so. They gave very good advice once they got too old to set a bad example.
Nutsrok 
When you say ‘Accommodate to Uncle’s needs…’ are you talking about X-rated needs?
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Yes indeedy.
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Jewel is a beautiful name :)
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It is.
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I love the fact the Aunty Jewel’s sisters and Mum were happy to accommodate Uncle Alber’s needs when ‘she wasn’t well.’:-)
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good to have a loving family.
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Ha Ha! I love your understatement! :-)
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Humans have tails?!! Gots to google! My goodness! Didn’t it hurt when he had to wear pants?
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This is hilarious!! Can’t stop thinking about Shallow Hal….funny movie you should see if you haven’t! ;)
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Don’t know. My research was thwarted. Remember!
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Linda,
Your sense of humour is amazing !
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I have no shame,
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Linda,
Wishing you a happy Fourth of July.
God bless !
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Thanks so much. You too!
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Did you ever get to see the tail ? I can imagine if I stalked my great-uncles waiting for their pants to fall down, I would certainly feel pain somewhere.
Where on earth did you get this picture from ?
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Never did. Got the picture off the internet. Oh, my Dad made sure I gave up stalking, believe me.
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Oh my! Must have been interesting around the holidays!
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I’ll bet!
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I so want to leave a comment and simply don’t know what you say to this! Too, too, funny :D Thanks for the laugh <3
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Thanks for commenting. You can’t imagine how far from spicy this grizzled dried out out couple looked.
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Another entertaining story. I don’t think they have a Hallmark for that.
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Maybe if you looked really hard in the family section. Mama later became a Pentecostal Minister. She was Hell on make up, short sleeves, short hair on women, and women in britches.
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My wife’s grandma was a Pentecostal–lived to the ripe old age of 105. BTW–Paul McCartney & Wings had a song about “We’re so sorry Uncle Albert…” Do you think the word got out?
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Forgot about that song. Pentecostals could be feisty.
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No argument here. Grandma D. was opinionated and feisty. Went to Pentecostal church–where they celebrated her 100th birthday. The church ladies were attired as you previously described. Pastor’s wife had a beehive hairdo.
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Oh those hairdos were a wonder to behold!
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I remember making those with my Tressy doll, wrapping the hair around my forefinger. The “hive” stood as tall as a bobby pin.
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That took plenty of hair, didn’t it?
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It unwound from deep in her navel, so she had plenty of it!
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That’s kind of of a horrible idea if you really think about it.
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Not as bad as those nasty Barbie straight-pin earrings that stabbed through to her medulla oblongata!
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My brother always stuck pins in my sister’s Barbie’s nipples! He was awful
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I know girls who did stuff like that. I hated Barbies. Girls only wanted to do sex and love play with them. I only wanted their tiny accessories. I really craved a GI Joe, for all the cooler action situations you could make up, and his way-cooler accessories, but my father wouldn’t allow it.
:(
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What a shame. You’d have loved it,
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