Dear Auntie Linda,  There are a lot of secrets in our family.  Even though I am in my forties and Mother in her late seventies, there are lots of things that went on that I can’t understand that I don’t feel free to ask Mother about.  My father was physically abusive to the kids and emotionally and psychologically abusive to the whole family.  When I try to discuss this with Mother, she says it wasn’t all that bad.  I know there are many other things that were covered up.  When I try to talk to her, she gets pitiful and says she couldn’t leave because she couldn’t support the children on her own.  She manipulates the situation by being pitiful and powerless. She is very emotionally dependent on me. I would like to have an honest conversation but think I’d end up feeling worse by pressing her for answers.  What does a person do in this situation?  Frustrated

Dear Frustrated, Sounds like your mother makes being powerless work for her.  Do you think insisting she talk to you would make you feel better or worse?  Your mother may not be much help.  This is likely to be a journey you make by another route.  Good luck.

Dear Auntie Linda,  I love my cousin, Jody dearly, but she is a compulsive liar and spender, and wears such skimpy clothes I am not comfortable going out in public with her.  She lies for no reason.  For example, when my kids had strep throat, she said they were quarantined for three days, a ridiculous statement.  Another time, she said she had won a thousand dollars in a store giveaway to explain how she came up with extravagant gifts, when she’d actually charged them.  She has accused family members of making passes at her and wears her shorts so short that pubic hair shows in front and her butt cheeks hang out in back.  At a family funeral, her dress was so low-cut somebody got her a sweater.  I can’t enjoy my time with her because I am constantly bombarded by wild tales, am aware of her deep financial troubles, and dread seeing more of her than I ever want to.  How does family deal with someone like this?  Embarrassed Cousin

Dear Embarrassed Cousin,  Cousin Jody obviously has some deep problems.  When she tells a lie directly about you, don’t hesitate to correct it on the spot, or as soon as you hear it.  I am quite sure others have noticed her lying.  If she makes you uncomfortable with what she wears when you are together, don’t be shy.  Let her know.  When she’s coming to a social event, tell her it’s G-rated.  She needs to put some clothes on.  Being subtle won’t work.  While you can’t do anything about her spending, just don’t shop with her or accept gifts.  Jody needs somebody to point out when she’s out of control.  You can be direct without being unkind.  Auntie Linda