Month: June 2024

Jokes

  1. They arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”

3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.

5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.

6. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

7. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

8. What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.

9. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.

10. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

11. I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.

12. Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?

13. Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.

from Readers Digest

Story in Pictures

Pearls Before Swine

I am a slow learner but can get the message. Unappreciated gifts is “casting, pearls before swine.” I quilt, sew, embroider and crochet, can, bake and spent countless hours crafting gifts, expecting appreciation. Sadly, craftsmanship is wasted if people have no idea what goes into the work. Also, it is foolish of me to assume others share my taste.

Kept this for myself
The mom and baby loved this sweater

I made a red satin-backed baby quilt with alternating teddy bear and heart squares for a coworker. It cost me $100 and many hours of work. She liked it, I guess. She said, “Wow. I bet you could get fifty bucks for this!” That won’t happen again. I didn’t even make a photo. I think the one really surprised was me.

I’ve embroidered lovely items, only to never see them again. I saw a gifted quilt converted into a dog bed. Fido was so appreciative, I am working on another for him right now.

Some gifts, however, were loved. I have come away wiser.

This was very welcome.
Nice afghan!
She loved this!
I love painting pots!
My nephew loved this tote
I share canned goods if I know people want them. I’ve fed many people after natural disasters or family problems. So easy with a full pantry

This was gobbled up

Friday Joke

From many sources on the internet…

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

CATEGORIES

Found on Tap Root

I Loved Lucy

1251973651_frog-scratching
When I met Lucy, it was love at first site. Not romantic love, but the best kind, true friend love. A freckled redhead, Lucy’s hands were covered in warts. Everybody knew you got warts from playing with frogs. I played with frogs every chance I got, but so far had not been able to acquire the warts I coveted.
Naturally, I still had to ask, admiringly, How’d you git them warts?” I always took the subtle approach.
“How do you think? From playin’ with frogs, Dummy. Frogs’ backs is covered with warts.” My admiration grew exponentially, a girl who liked frogs and wasn’t afraid to say “pee” without looking around to make sure her mama couldn’t hear. I had a hard life. My own mother made us say “wee wee” and swore she’d know if we EVER said “pee.” “Pee” was vulgar. I’d had my behind paddled more than once for getting caught.
“Have you got any frogs now? I want to see them warts.” I had to know.
“Sure. There’s always some at the creek.” She took off with me following. Wading in, we were soon rich in frogs. Catching a couple, we examined them, finding their backs splendidly populated with warts.
We passed an idyllic afternoon with those frogs in the cool creek.I still remember the feel of those scratchy warts on my fingers. Tadpoles frolicked joyously in shady pools, just out of our reach. Wet and muddy to the waist, that day I knew perfect joy. Time stood still. Long before I’d had my fill of warty frog fun, Mother called out saying it was time to go, but not before I slipped a couple of frogs in my pocket.
“Oh no! I gotta go.” I whined.
“That’s okay. Next time you come back, we’ll git you a snake.” She promised.
I got the snake, but never did get my warts.

Road rage

(From Reader’s Digest)

A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, “Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?” The Rolls owner nods.

“So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?” The Rolls owner nods again. “Me too. What about a double bed?”

“No. Do you?” asks the Rolls guy.

“Yep.” The light changes and the van takes off. Jealous, the Rolls guy heads to a Pimp My Rolls customising shop and gets a double bed installed, then drives around until he finds the van parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window. “Guess what? I got a double bed put in my car too.”

The van owner peers out. “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!”

Terminal prescription

William came home from the doctor looking very worried. “What is it? asked his wife. “What’s the problem?”

“Well, the doctor told me I have to take one of these pills every day for the rest of my life,” explained William.

“So what?” his wife replied. “Lots of people have to do that.”

“I know. But he only gave me four pills.Submitted by Bill Lindsay

Nothing up my sleeves

James and Stephen go into a sweet shop. James stealthily pockets three bars of chocolate and slips out. Gloating, he challenges Stephen to do something even bigger.

“No problem,” replies Stephen. “I’ll show you the real art of thieving.”

Re-entering the shop, Stephen approaches a member of staff and asks, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The staff member nods, so Stephen takes three chocolate bars off the shelf and eats them all.

“So where’s the magic?” asks the staff member.

“Just check my friend’s pocket,” Stephen replies, pointing to James. “You’ll find all three bars intact.”

Submitted by R. Suntharalingam

Please honor our veterans

Please Remember and Honor D-Day!

Morning Joke

I came out of Aldi this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.

She’d lost all her vacation money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her $100

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found $2000 in the parking lot.

I said to the doctor, “I feel constepatid!!”

He said, “Don’t you mean constipated.”

I said, “No, I just had a vowel moveme

I’ve just found a wallet with $20 in it. I wasn’t sure how to proceed, but then I thought, “What would Jesus do?”

I turned it into wine.

Wah! Wah! Wah!

Self-pity is relative. I am involved in the care of my ninety-six year-old mother, though she stills lives alone and does really well. My siblings help, but I have catered to her, a monster of my own creation. Naturally, she enjoys that and frequently tells them, “I’ll wait. Linda can take me in a few days.”

As it happens to seventy-seven year-old men, Hubby’s hip decided to show out last Friday. He’s really miserable. I have been a full-time nurse to him since then. Thank goodness, he sees his doctor today.

Consequently, I’ve felt pressed. Yesterday, thinking only of myself, I called my old friend to whine. She sounded stressed. “Can you call back in ten minutes?” No answer on my return call.

Soon she called me back. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just whiny. Bud’s hip is giving him trouble.”

“Oh, that’s bad, but can I call you tomorrow? The kids are on vacation and I’ve got the grandkids at the pool. My phones running….”

It made me so happy!. Self-pity is relative!!!!!! I sent her this selfie.