1. I asked if I could leave work early the other day, and the boss said, “yes, if I made up the time.” I said, “sure, it’s twenty past fourteen.”
2. Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? He took a day off.
3. A man walks into a bar, and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.” He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?” The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”

4. Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!” *Nobody stands up* 

Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students here!” *Little Johnny stands up* Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny, you think you’re stupid?” 

Little Johnny: “No, I just feel bad that you’re standing alone.”

5. Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!
6. Phil walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be honest with you. I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three companies after me, and I’d like to ask for a raise, respectfully.” After a few minutes of haggling, the boss finally agrees to give him a 5 percent raise, and he happily gets up to leave. “By the way,” the boss asks as Phil leaves his office, “which three companies are after you?” Phil replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”
7. Do you know what they say about a clean desk? It’s a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
8. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
9. I phoned a call center today, and it said all the advisors were engaged. I was delighted for them, but my fridge is still broken.
10. Why did you leave your last job? The company relocated and didn’t tell m