What historical event fascinates you the most?
The devastation of Pompey resulting from the eruption of Vesuvius in 79 A D has fascinated me since I first learned of it. The images of its residents frozen in time made them victims to me, not long lost faceless humans. I felt a connection to those fleeing the terror of the eruption. It was all to clear they were fully aware they were doomed. No one, man or beast escaped the wrath of Vesuvius.
repost of Halloween story. Original art by my mother Kathleen Swain
The backyard campout was all Billy and his friends could talk about. My cousin Sue and I furiously watched them build a tent out of old quilts stretched over the clothesline, furious we couldn’t camp out with them. No girls allowed!
The boys kept reminding us all day what a great night they would have while we slept in the house. However, watching ghost movies had their teeth chattering even before they headed out for their camp-out. Those smart-alecky boys were spooked even before they straggled out to the tent with only one failing flashlight between them and the terrifying night. The further they got from the door, the faster they ran, expecting to be grabbed at any second. The lights in the house blinked off one by one, leaving them totally alone in the blackness. Sue and I gave my parents plenty of time to go to sleep before slipping out to fix Billy and his buddies. We made a wide loop behind their tent and lay in the bushes quietly listening to the boys telling the story of Maggie Parker.
“Maggie Parker was a witchy old woman who had lived deep in the woods not far from us. There was gold buried behind the house haunted by the ghosts of her seven husbands all buried in a row. If you were brave or crazy enough to go out there on a dark night and wade through the thick vines, you could see ghostly eyes shining on each of the seven tombstones. No one knew how her husbands had really died, but the rumor was she killed each of them after she got their gold. Someone else said she kept her crazy hired man locked in the shed and only let him out to work. If he ever got loose at night, he would kill her or anyone else he crept up on. Froggy told about his daddy’s grandma’s uncle who went out one night looking for Maggie Parker’s gold and was found four days later in the woods by some hunters. His hair turned white and he never spoke another word. He was led around like a child for the rest of his life. He screamed in his sleep and shook in his bed so bad, they had to lock him in a shed at night. One morning a few years later they found him lying in his bed, eyes wide open, like he had seen a ghost………..scared to death.” The stories got scarier the later it got.
The only sound was the chirping of crlckets as they lay in their lonely tent, talking in low voices about the last movie they had seen. An angry village mob had tortured a poor crazy old hermit, cut his legs off, and left him for dead. He somehow managed to survive by dragging himself into a cave. The frogs were croaking loudly as the darkness fell. In his fevered sleep, he dreamed he had his legs back. He rose and walked on his stumps, leaving bloody prints behind him. The frogs got quieter. Just before he knifed his torturers……..….total silence. The last thing you could see was him raising his knife and hear the screams of the dying.
The longer they talked, the more scared they got. Finally they got so tired they just had to try go to sleep. They could hear the frogs just outside their tent. The frogs got louder. It was horrible. Suddenly………..dead silence. Too scared to breathe, they waited for the knife!!! Finally…..the frogs started back up. Just as they exhaled nervously, they were grabbed from behind! They exploded outward, disintegrating the tattered tent, falling and grabbing in their fight for survival, their fear fed by the maniacal screaming in the dark. A ghostly figure was staggering around in tattered rags, arms outstretched. They beat each other and everything else in their path trying to reach the safety of the house. In their wild terror, they ripped straight through the latched screen door of the kitchen, shattering it. The ghost was right behind them!
My parents were jolted awake by the crashing screen door and screaming campers, sure they were being murdered in their beds. The pulled the tattered quilt from around the ghost revealing Foggy, who’d gotten tangled in the quilt, thought the ghost had him, and was as terrified as everyone else. When they finally calmed the boys and did a head count, they found everyone alive but battered. Sue and I came staggering out of my bedroom rubbing sleep out of our eyes and trying to look like we just woke up though we both had wet grass stuck to our feet and dirty pajamas. Our plan to scare the boys had worked far better than we dreamed it would, and the best part was, we had more fun at the camp-out than anyone else!
Pictured Above, Mettie Martha Knight Swain, my paternal grandmother
Desperate for ghost stories, I hung on the words of my superstitious Maw Maw. While the men were out hunting, the women and children of the family gathered to share the long evenings. As the evenings stretched on, lap babies were rocked to sleep and knee babies drifted off in their mother’s laps and were put on thick pallets of quilts on the floor to sleep. Earlier in the evening, the women took turns telling tales of their youth but as it got later and more little ones drifted off, they moved on to scary stories. At the peak of the evening, when the most impressionable had nodded off and the lights were low, one of the daughters would encourage Maw Maw to tell a story. She held her grandchildren spellbound with the scary tales. Should she falter, one of my aunts urged her on…”Mama, remember about the big black dogs running through the house.” Her stories were more terrifying because she believed them with all her being. Once she started, I was too deliciously terrified to even risk a trip to the bathroom alone.
“Oh yeah, lots of times, late at night, if the wind was still, and the night was dark, me and Granny could hear them ghost dogs, howling and scratching at the door, trying to get in…but once in a while, if the moon was full, we’d see them big, black devil dogs blowing right into the room where me and Granny was, made of black smoke from the fires of hell with blazing coals for eyes. We hid under the covers, ‘cause Granny said ‘if you ever looked in them fiery eyes, you was bound for Hell’.”
Opportunities to hear scintillating stories like these were rare, usually limited to visits to Maw Maw, my paternal grandmother. Mother could hardly snatch her spellbound children from the writhing mass of cousins clustered around Maw Maw’s knees. Daddy ruled the roost, and he liked the stories as much as anyone. Mother held the ridiculous notion that tender minds didn’t need to hear scary stories, more concerned about the nightmares she’d be dealing with in a few short hours than the extreme pleasure they afforded us at the time.
I do wish I could hear and savor those stories again, unmolested by that nagging voice in the background. “There’s no such thing as ghosts. Those stories are just pretend, like cartoons. Now, go on to sleep and forget about them.”
Top Left Cousin Ricky Compton, Sister Phyllis Swain Barrington holding Sister Connie Swain Miller, Cousin Allen Lee, Linda Swain Bethea, center, Standing Aunt Ola Bea Shell holding Cousin Trudy Shell
First row, Cousins Sandra Shell, Gary Shell, and Leslie Shell in right front corner.
Aunt Kat tiptoed in and whispered to Lynn. “I have to take Daddy to work today and keep the car so I can go to the grocery store. Y’all can sleep late if you want to. If you get up, stay in the house. I’m taking the babies with me. I’ll be back as soon as I can so we can go to the grocery store.”
The next thing, Aunt Kat was telling them to hurry up and dress. She passed out sausage biscuits and milk.
“You better eat up. You’re gonna be hungry before we get home!” She loaded a diaper bag with bottles, diapers, and a couple of wet washcloths in a plastic bag, and picked up her purse.. “Lynn, fill that big thermos with water and bring the big baby. I’ll get the little baby. Billy, go back and get your shoes on. You can’t go to town barefoot. Lou, pick up those two pairs of shoes by the door we have to take them by the shoe-shop to be half-soled. Darn! The cat got out in! Lou, can you go back and get the cat out? Hurry!”
All the while, Billy was protesting having to wear shoes. He finally brought them along without putting them on.
She rushed them into the car. “Lynn, you sit in the front and hold the little baby.” She put Connie in a flimsy car seat that hooked him over the seatback. Lou was amazed at that, having grown up in the time of safety seats and seatbelts. This car had no seatbelts.l
When they got to the small town, Aunt Kat drove slowly through the grocery store parking lots at three stores to look at the hand-lettered prices posted in the store windows.
Last thing before going shopping, she threatened all the kids. “Do you see those kids sitting in that hot car over there! If you cut up in the grocery store and beg for stuff, I’ll march you right back out to sit in the car! Billy get your shoes on, NOW.!”
Billy whined, “I can’t. I don’t have any socks.” Aunt kat whirled a looked daggers at him. Why didn’t you get socks?”
“You didn’t tell me to.” he explained patiently.
“Ughhhh!” she groaned.” Then you’ll just have to go without….unless you want to sit in the car with those kids!”
Four kids sat in a car just across the way. Two kids with snotty noses were hanging out the windows bawling their eyes out. A boy was honking the horn. There was a girl in the back seat looking like she wished she wished she was anywhere else. Billy realized he knew her and called out to her,” Hey, Margie!” Margie stuck her tongue out and turned her head.
Once Aunt Kat had her battle plan, she led the kids into the A&P . She made a nest for the little baby in one cart, pulling it behind her.Connie was in the seat of a second cart she pushed before her. She went straight to the coke machine and got a coke, her treat for the week. The kids knew they had their choice of a coke or a box of animal crackers. That was it! Aunt Kat didn’t have the patience for treat wrangling. They could enjoy their treat while she shopped and she’d pay when she cashed out. She filled Connie’s cart with unglamorous groceries: a twenty-five pound bag of flour, ten pounds of meal and sugar, twenty-five pounds of potatoes , dry beans and peas. There were no cookies, pastries, or candy in her cart.
Piggly Wiggly for the meat specials, then Jitney Jungle for the ten for a dollar specials on canned goods It was exhausting. Both babies were squalling. Everybody was starving. The car was blazing hot in the August heat. “I don’t have time for the shoe shop, today.”
Kat pulled into a drive-in restaurant that specialized in five for a dollar burgers. To Lou’s surprise, they each got a skinny burger with no fries or drink. They passed around the water jug to slake their raging thirst. The burgers weren’t very good, but the kids were hungry. Afterward, Aunt Kat pulled out a bag of sandwich cookies. That was lunch.
Thankfully, both the babies went to sleep on the drive home. Aunt Kat and Lynn were able to cart them to their beds without waking them.
Everybody helped unload groceries. There must have been ten or twelve bags. They loaded up the red wagon to make it faster. The kitchen cabinet was heaped high. “Lynn, I’m going to take the little baby but leave Connie here while I go back and get daddy. She should sleep till I get back. You girls put away groceries. Billy, you stay in the house and mind Lynn.”
“Mother, can’t you take both babies? You know Connie will cry if she wakes up.” Lynn pleaded.
“No, I can’t. I only have one carseat. I need you to stay here and put away groceries and watch Connie. I’ll be back in an hour.”
She grabbed the little baby and was on her way. Before she reached the end of the driveway Billy ran out and banged the back door.
Connie squalled out from her crib. “We’re in for it now,!” Moaned Lynn.
After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, “I wonder what my husband really does when I’m not around.” She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn’t recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched.
There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.
He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked “Well, how was the party?” He replied, “It was no fun without you honey.” She said, “I don’t believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!” He replied, “Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time.”
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on.”
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control any lingering effects.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a rotten egg gone worse.
When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her blindfold. And when she did, 50 people around her said “Surprise!”
What’s something you believe everyone should know.
This is a hard one. I don’t want to get political but everyone should educate themselves before they vote, If a candidate espouses hatred and marginalizes others, they are looking out for themselves, not the people.
Have a boy or know one? Useful information!
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR’s do not eject “PB &J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control
A kid receives a train set for Christmas. He puts it together and begins to play with it as mom goes into the kitchen. She hears him play and run the train. She then hears the train stop.
She then hears the the boy say, Anyone who want’s to get off get the hell off now! And anyone who is getting on GET ON NOW YOU IDIOTS because we gotta go!
Well mom did not like this and yelled at the boy about proper language and such. She punished him by sending him to his bedroom for 20 minutes.
20 minutes go by she calls him and he resumes playing with his train. She hears the train run then come to a stop and the boy spoke up.
“Ladies and gentlemen we have arrived at our next stop. Please check the overhead baggage racks before leaving and thanking you for riding with us. For thos boarding please have your tickets ready. And for those who are upset about the 20 minute delay please see the b___ in the kitchen.
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young woman. The four passengers join in a conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.”
The men, charmed by this young woman, all pull a dollar bill out of their wallets. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs.”
Men being what they are, they all pulled out a ten dollar bill. The woman pulls up her dress all the way to her stocking tops.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young woman says, “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!”
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly – he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently awakens the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he exclaims.
“Good,” she replies. “Get your own damn blanket!”
After a moment of silence, he farts.
The old farmer just got married and as he was driving home with his new wife the mule stopped and wouldn’t pull
the wagon. The farmer smacked him over the head with a 2×4…..and said,
“That’s One! …..
…The second time the mule refused to move the farmer went over and hit him with the 2×4 and said…”That’s Two!………
……The third time the mule refused the farmer took his gun and shot him…….
The new wife started to criticize the old farmer for shooting his mule and he says;
That’s one…………….
A cardiologist who was nearing the end of his career to leave the spotlight and stress of leading the cardiologist staff of the Mayo Clinic, and moved to a small, rural hospital in the Florida Panhandle. He told the staff at the Mayo Clinic, “I am tired of dealing with CEO’s and millionaires who are too busy to take care of their hearts, and look forward to the simple country lifestyle of patching up farmers and their bankers who have simply worn their hearts out.”
Sadly, after only four short years of simpler life, the Cardiologist died of cancer. When his comrades from the Mayo Clinic heard the sad news they told the family that they wanted to help them plan a very elaborate funeral, to pay their respects for this great man who had so much influence on doctors all over the world. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service at the church, and all in attendance were in awe, having never seen such an event. Following the eulogy, as harp music played, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
All of a sudden, one of the mourners in the back of the church burst out in laughter. Every head turned to see the source of this disrespectful laughter. It was one of the country doctors from the small town hospital. With the whole crowd glaring at him in disgust, the doctor held up his hand and said, “I am so sorry folks, I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, he was a great friend. I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a proctologist.
Harold was a farmer, who had stayed healthy and happy out on the farm for over 60 years. As the years slipped by, however, his wife worried about him out in the summer heat for long hours each day. She had been right to worry as one summer, while out fixing fence, the heat got the best of Harold. He got dehydrated and had to be hospitalized. Harold hated it there, because he kept wanting to get home to check on his crops and cattle. The doctor warned him that he needed to spend at least 4 days in the hospital, so they could run a series of tests on his heart and other systems. Plus he just wanted to make sure Harold’s strength had returned, because he knew he would be right back out farming again in the heat.
There was one young nurse that just drove Harold absolutely crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry today?” Old Harold had had about all he could stand of this particular nurse, and just had to get out of that hospital. He was more sick of people poking, prodding, testing and talking to him like an helpless old man, than he was from the heat stroke.
One day at breakfast, he came up with a plan. The nurse came to his room and left him a urine bottle to fill for testing. After she had left his room, Harold got a twinkle in his eye as he spied the apple juice on the breakfast tray on his bed side stand. Well you know where the juice went, right into the urine sample vial.
A little while later when the patronizing nurse returned, she picked up the vile and said, “My oh my, it seems we are a little cloudy today?” At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it right down, saying, “Well, let’s run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”
The nurse fainted! Harold boomed out, “This nurse needs help!” Within seconds 4 nurses and two doctors were fussing all around her. Harold just smiled and said to himself, “Now’s my chance to get the heck out of this place.” He snatched his clothes out of the closet, got dressed in the restroom down the hall, headed to the elevator, and was out the door before anyone knew what happened!
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having fun since 1995.
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